


Red Suede Shoes (walking two thousand leagues)

by mimbulusmimbletonia (nev_longbottom)



Category: Bandom
Genre: Canon Het Relationship, Engagement, F/F, F/M, Femslash, Gen, Handcuffs, Het, M/M, Mild Femdom, No Plot, Other, Pregnancy, Slash, Threesome, also suspend some disbelief, bandom girls, bildungsroman, don't try this fic at home, everyone in bandom shows up to this, experimental rock music, i feel i should warn for mr. simpson, light kink, not kidding guys, nothing happens, people figuring out their stuff, there is actually no plot at all
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-08-19
Updated: 2009-08-19
Packaged: 2017-12-24 13:55:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 76,220
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/940756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nev_longbottom/pseuds/mimbulusmimbletonia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maja wanted to try something different. Vicky thought it could be interesting. Ashlee was a little afraid not to join the band. Jamia’s always wanted something like this. Matt doesn’t have any other choice.</p><p>This is a story about second chances.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. I. Ashlee

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sesshiyuki](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=sesshiyuki).



> Beta Work by Sesshiyuki.
> 
> This was written for the 2009 Bandgirls Big Bang. When the challenge first came out, I wanted to write about the women that after nearly always erased or ignored in bandom fics. People who are nearly always turned into throw away line characters, or a passing mention or a one dimensional villain. I wanted to pull all the cracks together and see what it would be like if they made a band.
> 
> There isn't really a story line, or a rising climax, or a major problem for anyone to overcome. This is a few months of each character's life as this band was built. This is a piece of their lives in this verse pulled out and held up. If you want to read about people who go out and do amazing things and rock the world and change everything for the better- well, this fic is not for you. If you want to read about people pulling themselves together, then you might as well get in the car.

"Shit," she says.  "Shit, shit shit shit shit."

 

She turns the ignition off and rests her head against the steering wheel.  _Deep breaths, just like Dad says to take when things get messy._   The driveway is pretty long and wide, but it's also completely congested with cars.  There are a couple parked in the grass but Ashlee would rather leave her car sitting in the street  than actually park in some yard.

 

Ashlee would actually prefer not to be at this party at all, but she can't stand the thought of seeing Jessica tomorrow and telling her she spent another Saturday night home alone, watching Jay Leno.  She turns the rear view mirror towards her and checks her make up in the mirror.

 

"Okay, one hour Ashlee and you can go home," she says, looking herself right in the eyes.  "One hour will totally prove to Jess that you are not a homebody loser." Eyeshadow, check. Foundation, check.  Lip gloss, check. God, she hates her sister's stupid, judgmental face sometimes.

 

Ashlee adjusts her bangs, puts the mirror back in position and hops out of the car.  It's been a while since she's gone to any L.A. parties.  Most of her ballet friends are in New York and the people she first met when Jessica was setting up her career are people she never wants to see again.   She's a bit of a homebody, but considering how bad things have gotten since the SNL disaster, she doesn't care anymore.

 

She's surprised at how suburban the neighborhood is.  Sure, the houses are pretty large and far apart from one another, but there are tricycles  and basketball hoops in the driveways.  His house is pretty easy to find.  The driveway is completely congested and she can hear the music's bass line from the edge of his lawn.There are people outside the front doors but in no particular line order.  She must be later than she thought if there's no line to get into the party.  She  scans the crowd at the door until she spots a short, wiry topless man covered in tattoos and holding a clipboard. He seems a little drunk for her standards of a bodyguard, but for all she knows Pete Wentz might like having his security team smoking and drinking on his porch.

 

The bouncer holding the clip board raises an eyebrow when she steps on to the porch in front of him.  "Can I help you?" he says politely. 

 

Ashlee's can feel herself blush in humiliation.  It's been years since any one has made her do this.  "Ashlee Simpson?  I should be on the list?"  Her voice hitches during the last comment, because it's a lie, but she's willing to gamble they won't stop her from going in. He stares at her.

 

The man next to him elbows the him.  "Andy, she thinks you're the help!"  

 

The bouncer- Andy does a double take and starts apologizing frantically.  "Oh my god. No, I'm not-  Pete doesn't-  I- The clipboard's for a PETA petition," Andy finally stammers.  "Dude, I- You can just go in.  Pete doesn't have any bouncers or anything.  We just lurk out here to scare off creepers.  Sorry," he says earnestly.  The other people on the porch start laughing.  Ashlee stammers an apology herself and goes in through the front door before he asks her if she wants to sign the petition.

 

She's already regretting coming here. 

 

The furniture, a couple of tacky looking sofas, have been pressed against the wall. There are not one but _three_ disco balls hanging from the ceiling. Strobe lights illuminate the crowd, a crowd which can't seem to decide if it's an orgy or a mosh pit. But none of those things intimidate Ashlee more than the fact she can't recognize any body on the dance floor.

 

She hides in the kitchen.

 

 

 

***

 

 

Hiding in the kitchen turns out to be crazy fun.  The appliances look barely used, but there are mountains of soft drinks, pizza varieties, and liquor to keep Ashlee entertained until she can leave.  Anything sooner than an hour and Perez Hilton would insinuate a dramatic fight of some kind.  Ugh. After two drinks, Ashlee can shimmy to the music behind the swing door.  It creaks so she has enough of a warning to pretend to be fixing herself a drink.  People go to the kitchen in groups so she gets to listen in during the middle of a lot of interesting conversations and meet tons of interesting people.

 

Travis McCoy for example makes her giggle when he places a kiss to the back of her hand.  Nick Scimeca turns out to be the guy who planned the entire party, and is possibly on a mission to persuade three girls at the party to sleep with him at once.  Ashlee has to give him props for determination. William Beckett introduces her to this guy named Gabe, who Ashlee's pretty sure has x-ray vision.  The only downside to hiding by the booze is that most of the party goers mistake for a bartender.

 

Gabe pops in to check on her often enough that when the kitchen door swings open with the word Cobra, Ashlee instinctually respond with, "No Gabe, I am not going to your basement."

 

It's not Gabe who walks in, but two tall, graceful women who start laughing when they hear her.  "Gabanti strikes again, Maja" says the brunette, smirking when she goes to pour herself a cup of vodka.

 

"William has Gabe watch tonight right, Victoria?"  The blond woman, slightly shorter than Ashlee with fey features starts mixing her own drink in a red plastic cup.  

 

Ashlee scowls.  "The only thing William Beckett has is opinions on music with a capital O."

 

Victoria and Maja start arguing about how music can be used as an expression of art.  The  ease of the conversation and the  smiles they give one another tells Ashlee this is all an old hat to them but she grateful for the chance to talk to someone other than Jose Cuervo about something meaningful.  In between kitchen visitors she drank tequila.  Maja and Vicky make short work of the vodka, in makes them get creative with the drinks.

 

The longer they stand there talking and mixing drinks, the stranger the conversation gets.  "Four minutes and thirty three seconds is like musical splatter art.  It's funny to laugh at, but I wouldn't take it seriously," says Vicky, slurring at the edges of her words.

 

Maja nods enthusiastically, "What I want to see is Dali-like music!  Strange, wonderful songs that blur the lines between genres. Absurd pieces that still inspire emotion, awe and joy. Something that people can't describe with words, only sounds."  There's a yearning in her voice and Ashlee feels like she can honestly relate.  She loves making music but there's only so much you change and still be successful or considered seriously. 

 

On that thought, Ashlee smiles at the other girls in the room, "I know just the song!" She sings a few bars of "Never Gonna Give You Up" before she has the sense to admit to herself she's too drunk to drive home.  "Here, have my car keys!"

 

She hands them to Vicky who grins at her a little too widely for Ashlee's comfort.  "Do I have something in my teeth?" Ashlee asks nervously.

 

Maja glances at Vicky, who arches an eyebrow in return.  Maja glances back at Ashlee and Vicky gives a slight nod.  Ashlee is suddenly painfully aware that the two of them are between her and the exit. 

 

"Do you play in a band?" Maja asks. 

 

Ashlee's eyes widen - Jessica always said she looked like an alien when she did it -and she takes a gulp of the drink in her hand before she  has a massive attack of word vomit and says something like, "No, but I have studio musicians and I even feed them twice a day!"  She would say it, too.  She knows herself well enough to keep a stash of snicker bars in her purse for when she needs a moment to 'chew it over.'

 

Ashlee manages to stammer part way through an explanation along the lines of, "No, I'm not in a band exactly, but I do sing," before Maja cuts her off. 

 

"Vicky and I are starting a side project.  You should audition for us."  It's not really a tone she can argue with and Ashlee is not drunk enough to explain that she's a very successful pop singer.  All of her childhood insecurities rear their ugly head for a moment, so she thinks to heck with it and excuses herself to the dance floor.

 

***

 

The last thing she remembers is grinding between Pete Wentz (horse teeth, oh my god) and Gabe Saporta (Surprisingly dances like a gentleman) before waking up the next morning on a couch next to a pile of dirty laundry.  On the second glance, she can see that the dirty laundry is Andy's friend Joe.   The close resemblance to a homeless man is stronger in the daylight with him sleeping off a hangover.

 

She also has no idea where her socks and shoes are.  "Maybe you shouldn't go to Pete Wentz' party," Ashlee mutters bitterly under her breath.  She should have known better than to give in to reverse psychology.  The sofa she's lying on looks better in the daylight.  Strobe lights do strange things to clothing.  Just looking around, she can see a couple other unfamiliar faces lying around the room.

 

Without a mob of dancers, the living room looks really big.  Bay windows all along the wall to either side of the door, nice hardwood flooring, and a chandelier even her mom would approve of.  If it wasn't for the red plastic cups covering every surface, she would call it beautiful.

 

In the kitchen Ashlee finds one naked unconscious Andy Hurley, a box of trash bags, and a big orange tabby eating a slice of leftover pizza. 

 

Ashlee ignores the cat, tucks a garbage bag over Andy's naked butt, and starts throwing anything and everything that looks like trash into bags.  One by one, other party goers wake up and either walk out the door or start helping her.  Maja and Travis organize a little crew of people to cook breakfast.  A tiny man named Nate helps Ashlee clean the living room and tie up the trash bags.  There's eight large bounty bags full by the time they're done, but the smell from the kitchen is fantastic.

 

"So, William here is making waffles," Travis says when she walks into the kitchen, pointing a finger at a beautiful man wearing an apron.  Huh.  So that's what William looks like when she's sober.  Weird.  He waves  quickly before pulling a plate out of the cupboard.  "I'm over here trying not to burn any of the toast or bagels, the condiments are to your left and Suarez is making omelets.  Want anything?"  Alex waves a spatula in her direction.

 

It all smells fantastic,  but Ashlee can't quite make up her mind.  A timer goes off and one of the people crammed around the kitchen table hops up.  "Shift, guys.  I've got to get my muffins!" 

 

Ashlee knows what she wants.  "What kind?"  she asks. 

 

"Blueberry!"  The muffins he pulls out look the golden kind of delicious, and the tattooed man crows into the air.  "Ha ha, bitches! The Butcher for the win!"  Ashlee licks her lips.  It smells amazing, hot blueberry scent floating in the air.

 

Ashlee leans over the sink to wash her hands from the sticky feeling of dried beer.  Pete Wentz walks in groaning a few second later.  His eyeliner is smeared into a ridiculous raccoon look but unlike the rest of them, he shuffles in wearing black sushi footie pajamas. 

 

"Fucking Butcher fucking crowin'..." he starts, trailing off when he gets a good look at everyone in the kitchen.  Ashlee freezes, remembering vividly that she was never actually invited to his party in the first place.  Pete stares right at her, then at the boys still cooking.

 

"Who cleaned?" he says huskily. 

 

Ashlee slowly raises her hand.  Pete looks confused for a moment but then Ashlee sees the recognition settle in. “Ashlee Simpson cleaned my house,” he mumbles to himself and then squints at her, as if to make sure she is in fact Ashlee Simpson.

 

She holds her breath.

 

"The only way I can love you more right now is if you have aspirin," Pete says and Ashlee feels herself blush.  Travis reaches over her head and pulls out a tiny white bottle from the cabinet above.

 

Pete nods.  "I love you, Travis.  Marry me.  We can make beautiful hangover cures together."  Travis shrugs him off. 

 

They all settle in together and Ashlee likes how comfortable everyone is with each other.  It's like an intimate brunch version of last night's party.  She glances at her watch and swears under her breath.  "Gotta go catch up with my sister, bye guys!"  She nearly walks right out the front door before she remembers what Jessica's career taught her the hard way, always look out the window first.

 

She's just about to walk out when she sees movement next to her car out in the street.  "Fuck," she swears loudly.  There's a clattering noise from the kitchen.  Pete and a couple others come running.

 

"Everything all right?"  Pete gives her a worried look.  

 

"Paparazzi found my car," she sigh.  This is apparently the wrong thing to say because half the kitchen rushes out.  They zoom straight for the bay windows.   Ashlee just leans against the back of the door.  She can either call for her sister to pick her up, call for a taxi, or try and wait them out.  None of which are options that appeal to her.  Joe points through the center window.  "Look, Pete!  It's your first pap!" 

 

Pete studies the cameras out on his street carefully and then smiles.  "I know exactly what to do.  Quick, to the costume room!"

 

"You don't have a costume room," Andy says.  "You mean your closet?"

 

Pete scowls.

 

 

 

***

 

 

Fifteen to twenty minutes later, twenty eight musicians rush forth out of Pete Wentz' house very badly dressed as pirates.  Ashlee's at the back of the group, laughing too hard to join the chase.  The paps look shocked.  Instead of taking pictures, the photographers run.  The man holding the video camera freezes in place.

 

"Hurry!" yells Maja.    It's just close enough to hurt Ashlee's ear.  She fumbles to get her door unlocked with the girls on either side standing guard.

 

Ashlee hops into her car before the camera guy can get a fix on her.  Vicky-T throws in Ashlee's heels and slams the door behind her. 

 

Pete waves at her when she pulls out of his driveway.  The parrot beanie baby duct-taped to his shoulder wobbles. Call me, he mouths at her.

 

She's still laughing when she hits the freeway.  She totally, totally will.

 

***

 

Dad calls her on Wednesday.  "Why didn't you tell me you were going to a party?  I would have arranged for bodyguards." 

 

Ashlee rolls her eyes.  "Hello to you too, Dad.  Did I end up in Star again?"

 

"You're on TMZ and on Perez Hilton.  Turn on your television." 

 

"What?" she shrieks, dropping her phone on the couch to scramble for the remote. Ashlee turns on her TV and flips through the channels until she finds a group of badly dressed pirates on TV, running towards the camera. 

 

The camera guy is perfectly still for a moment before he starts swearing and running, the camera's shooting nothing but grass.  Half a second later and there's a perfect upside down shot of Ashlee wearing hot pink shorts, suspenders, fishnet stockings, and wearing a paper eye patch colored in sharpie.  Her hair is a mess and she's got both her heels in her left hand, but Ashlee can see herself laughing so hard that Maja has to support her weight.  Vicky-T's laughing on Ashlee's other side, snatching the heels and throwing them in the car once Ashlee gets the door open.

 

It cuts back to the TV shows host looking horrified.  "I can't tell if she's doing the walk of shame or running away from a pirate commune.  You say these people she's with are musicians?"

 

A scruffy blond guy up front nods.  "Turns out the house belong to Pete Wentz, the bassist from Fall Out Boy." 

 

The boss looks contemplative.  "What does Perez Hilton say?"   

 

One of the girls in the back stands up, "He's saying it could be an orgy.  Apparently one of the bands that were there has a reputation."

 

"Huh," says boss man.  "Lucky Ashlee."

 

Ashlee turns off the television and puts her cell phone back to her ear.  "...Daddy?"

 

"This is why you don't do this without telling me.  I'm very disappointed in you Ashlee.  I want you to keep a low profile until this orgy rumor blows over.  Don't talk to those people and don't be seen in public with them." 

 

Ashlee bites her lip.  He shouldn't be able to make her feel this miserable with herself after all these years. 

 

"Also, Ginger says to remind you about the meeting you have at the studio with some musicians.  Monday at two, got that?"

 

"Yes, Dad," she says, nodding while saying the word. 

 

Dial tone.  Her father never was good at saying good bye.

 

She doesn't remember any meeting though.  A quick series of text messages to Ginger, her PA, lets her know that a _Miss Maja Ivarsson and a Miss Victoria Asher called to make sure Ginger would remind Ashlee about the meeting time for a side project band_. 

 

 _Don't worry, I haven't told Joe you're joining a band.  When he finds out, he'd better not know I helped you cover this up,_ shows up in her inbox.  Ashlee makes a mental note to give Ginger a raise and find out how the hell the other women managed to arrange something so quickly. 

 

 _You're also supposed to bring shoes for jumping,_ shows up in her inbox from Ginger.  Ashlee startles.  "Did I just accidentally join a punk band?" 

 

Her phone vibrates in her hand.  "You weren't actually supposed to answer," she hisses before she checks the caller ID.  FUCKING AWESOME.

 

She has no idea who the hell is calling.  She hits accept call anyway. "Um, hello?"

 

"You didn't call me."  Ashlee tries to remember who she hasn't called back lately.  The list is pretty long, even when she eliminates the girls voices.  It's a deep voiced man on the other end, young.    When was the last time she heard from Justin Timberlake? 

 

The voice on the other end blurts out the answer.  "It's Pete.  Wentz.  You cleaned my house?"

 

Ashlee can feel herself blushing purple.  "You programed yourself into my phone?" 

 

There's an awkward pause on the other hand of the line with the sounds of someone laughing hysterically in the background yelling, "Oh my god, you loser!"

 

"I was just calling to apologize about the orgy thing.  I wouldn't have told you to call me if I had known they were going to make up bullshit. So, yeah.  I'm sorry for the orgy."  Ashlee wants to takes he phone and throw it against the wall, screw Wentz.  Still, at least he called. 

 

"It's not you fault," she offers finally.  "With my luck right now, the publicity probably helped me out.  So thanks.  For the orgy, not the phone thing.  Programing your number into my phone is just creepy."  She has gotten restraining orders for less.

 

"I can't believe you just thanked me for an orgy," Pete says.  He sounds impressed.  "I have a feeling about you."

 

Ashlee pulls the phone away from her ear and stares at it strangely.  It's not the same as giving Pete Wentz the weirded out look, but it gets the urge out of her system.  "Please don't confuse me with gas."

 

"No, I mean it.  The orgy is just your argyle socks."  Why does she get stuck with all the crazies?  Is there a past life she's still paying for?  What the hell do socks have to do with orgies? "We're going to be best friends forever.  Does Lisa Frank still make friendship bracelets?"

 

"You don't make any sense,"Ashlee snaps.  "I have a studio session.  Later."  She hangs up on him and lets the phone go to voicemail when he calls back.    She has a come back to make and a publicity nightmare to deal with, she's not going to put up with a delusional musician on top of it.

 

She also has to buy shoes for the band audition thing.  "What do you do for a band audition?" Ashlee wonders out loud.

 

"Okay, I have got to stop talking out loud to myself.  And maybe google search their side project."

 

***

 

The music isn't punk.  It's sure as hell not pop either.  Ashlee meets them at a tiny warehouse that Maja informs her is used by The Sounds whenever they need to mess around with some new songs.  It's soundproof and crammed with instruments.  "You know the Sounds?" Ashlee says, trying to make conversation.  The other two just laugh.

 

"I want to keep her," Vicky says to Maja, grinning.  Maja smiles at Ashlee indulgently.  "They are my band."

 

Ashlee's cheeks burn.  She hates looking like a idiot in public.  It's like asking for blond jokes.

 

Ashlee arrived to a space  already set up for them to start jamming. Maja has a bunch of lyrics scribbled on a legal pad for her.  The lyrics are so not Ashlee's thing but the keytar and the electric guitar work together to make a fluid sound.  Ashlee's not quiet sure what kind of music she's hearing, but her feet are moving easily to it and she finds herself smiling at the end of every song. 

 

She tries singing the lyrics to their half finished harmonies but gives up part way through.  Instead, she sings whatever words come to her as they go.  They stop when Vicky's fingers are too sore tire to hit the right notes and Maja starts lagging behind the tempo. 

 

"When can we do that again," Ashlee asks and then startles.  Her voice is a lot hoarser than she thought it would be.  Then again, it wasn't like the music was anywhere near the style that she recorded for Autobiography.  Vicky's smiling that strange half-grin again.

 

"I knew she was the right girl," Vicky says out loud.  They make arrangements to meet up again a week later. 

 

Ashlee likes the way her feet ache from dancing in her new character shoes.  She's only ever danced in ballet shoes and heels, but she's always wanted to try character shoes, with their soft padding, spring heel and fancy straps.  This band is a character shoe band.

 

***

 

The second meeting goes even better than the first.  The band meetings become the high point of Ashlee's week, right after pictures Pete Wentz keeps sending her of Lisa Frank merchandise.  It's like having a friend.

 

She's almost forgotten what that's like.  She's been in L.A. too long.

 

 

***

 

She breaks the news about the band to her dad by first telling him she was goofing off in the studio with some new song ideas, and then weaning him on the idea of her trying other projects.  Finally, she flat out admits to wanting to be in a proper band with the other girls.  He laughs at her. 

 

"Alright, honey, but when things don't work out, you have to audition for that Transformers sequel.  Just because your acting skills aren't up to par with Jess is no reason you can't have a perfectly good career."  The worst part about their relationship, Ashlee thinks, is that Dad thinks those kinds of comments are compliments.

 

Officially, right now, Ashlee is supposed to be working on songs for her new solo album.  She's not on a break.  Dad swears up and down that real professional don't take breaks, they either go on vacation or work on new material.  Ashlee's mostly writing music for Vicky and Maja. 

 

Her band.  She's worked with studio musicians before, but they're different.  It's not like hanging out and making music with Maja and Vicky.  That's why when Vicky reminds her the two of them are booked to leave on tour in a weeks time, Ashlee wilts at the edges.

 

"Already?  But you guys just finished the music video for Bring It!"

 

Maja comes along side Ashlee, giving her a half hug that squeezes the neck of her Gibson into Ashlee's stomach.  "Touring is what I do best.  The Snakes and Suits Tour will be over before you start to miss us, I promise."

 

Ashlee throws a mini-party to celebrate their touring.  She orders Chinese food and they all stay in and watch horror movies where teenagers or road trips get killed.  "This is background research so in case a crazy fan comes after you, you guys know exactly what not to do," Ashlee says.  "Kinda like learning to fly by throwing yourself at the ground and missing."  When the girls leave at the end of the night, Ashlee  walks them out the door and waves until they go away.

 

***

 

She keeps writing songs with them on the road.  Vicky sends Ashlee video clips pretty regularly with the two of them playing some of their new songs on a tiny bus while a crowd of boys in the background try to have a Halo tournament.

 

Maja sends Ashlee pictures instead of texts to keep her updated, calling when she has a spare minute here or there to take about the sound clips Vicky sent and how they want the music to sound.

 

Ashlee's actually at a red carpet movie premiere, Jessica's starring, when her cell phone goes off in the middle of a camera interview.  She laughs so hard the interviewer asks to see the message and Ashlee actually shows him.  It's a picture of Vicky curled up, head on her knees.  She's wearing red ruby shoes and holding up a sign saying "No place like home, sister."

 

She excuses herself from the interview and slips into the bathroom at the theater to call Maja.  She doesn't have much time so she just flat out asks  if it would be possible for Ashlee to go hang out with them on tour. 

 

There's a long pause on the other end, and she can faintly hear Maja yelling in Swedish with a chorus of voices yelling back.  Maja sounds almost happy when she replies to Ashlee.  "I will send you a ticket." Ashlee sends Pete a text letting him know.  _Sweetness_ shows up in her inbox twenty seconds later.

 

***

 

She meets them in New York. The girls send a security guard to meet Ashlee at the airport. “We're playing on stage when your plane arrives, but we'll be on the bus by the time you make it across the city,” Vicky tells her during an audio chat.

 

Her phone's call log says 3 Missed Calls: Joe Simpson. He's been more and more vocally against the thought of working with Vicky and Maja, but Ashlee figures that if she's on a break, she can afford to have fun. If she ends up like Jessica in a celebrity bridge club before she's thirty, Ashlee's going to have to shoot herself.

 

She's surprised by how many names she remembers from the party when she gets there. The girls arrange for Ashlee to have a bunk on the Cobra bus. Ryland is sweet enough to present her with a certificate reading Honorary Cobra. Everyone claps when she thanks him. Nate even bakes a cake for the occasion, butter cream with neon sprinkles. 

 

Over the course of the next couple weeks, the three of them manage to complete five more songs in between tour hijinks. Or as close to complete as they can get. “Ugh, why does it feel like we're missing something!” Ashlee throws her hands in the air.

 

“I think we need a drummer,” Maja insists. "Loop tracks are not the same as a drummer."

 

“Or maybe back up vocals?” Ashlee throws in. "A choral sound could really fill out the edges of 'Check Yes or No.'  We could do the electronic Simon & Garfunkel thing.”

 

Vicky mumbles something that sounds suspiciously like “John Ringo,” but refuses to admit she said anything when Ashlee tries to call her on it. They agree to take a mini-break and focus on paperwork instead.

 

Pete had insisted on signing them to Decaydance and arranging for a flexible contract with FBR.  As far as Vicky had been concerned, it was Fueled By Ramen or nothing.  Maja didn't care either way and Ashlee didn't want to begin to think about the logistics of trying to produce and promote an album without label help.

 

"I did this for Gabe because he was worth it," Pete had said when he was still trying to convince Ashlee.  "Cobra Starship was totally worth it and I have the same feeling about you guys.  Trust in the feeling, Princess.  Patrick believes me."

 

Vicky mostly just has to sign at the bottom of a few forms because she's already on the Decaydance vanity label as well as being legally represented by FBR. Ashlee's got a slightly larger mess to deal with and legal complications to she has to send a lot of her time faxing papers at venues to her lawyers and avoiding Dad's calls. 

 

Pete does the occasional three way conference call when something needs to be clarified or changed.  Ashlee's surprised by how professional Pete manages to be when it's about the band.  It's hard for her to remember that the professional on the line is the same  guy who sends her picture of his band drawing penises on Joe Trohman while he's sleeping.

 

Those dorky antics are one only of the only things that cheers with Ashlee after she calls her dad.  Every other word out of his mouth is a warning that this isn't going to work out and Ashlee has just enough doubts that she can't afford to let herself hear this stuff from her father.   Not when everything else he says is about how proud he is of Jessica.

 

She almost feels guilty about filling out the paperwork without his permission but he's not her legally her manager so he doesn't have to agree.  The lawyer likes it. Jessica's supportive at least.  Mom on the other hand, would have to call Ashlee to tell her how she feels and that hasn't happened since Ashlee bought the L.A. house months ago.

 

"Is this the right thing?" Ashlee asks Pete before she signs the last triplicate.  "Should I have tried to work it out with Dad?"

 

"I dunno," Pete shrugs.  It's a no eyeliner day so mostly he just looks like a scruffy hobo in a hoodie.  "Ask Joe.  He's my magic eight ball."  

 

Ashlee signs.  It's too late to wonder about what might have been.  She's pretty sure she would have just caved in and done what he wanted if she tried talking to Dad about the band. 

 

"Sweet.  Welcome to the Decaydance family," Pete grins and waggles his eyebrows.  "Did I mention we're incestuous?"

 

She punches him in the arm and laughs.  She should have known Pete would say the right thing to make her feel better.  He's her favorite surprise in life.

 

***

 

Gabe gives Ashlee an envelope after she washes her hair in the bus sink. “Consider yourself officially invited! You guys haven't picked a name yet, so we made it out to girl band. If you ever want to return the favor, let me know,” Gabe leers at her but Ashlee just beams back. She's learned by now that leering is Gabe's way of saying hello in the morning.  

 

The post card inside says“The Academy Is...THROWING A PARTY! Don't be late!” Ashlee's invitation has green and blue stars along the edges with a bunch of stick figure girls in the corner.

 

During shows Ashlee hangs out either by herself on the Cobra bus or with girlfriends and groupies.  Christine, William Becket's wife, is organizing the actual event.  According to her, if she let Bill and Gabe do it, they'd blow their budget on tinsel and glitter.  Ashlee's been planning to go to this thing for weeks. 

 

The party itself feels like a more compact version of Pete's party in L.A. Tons of people, tiny space, and hands everywhere. Ashlee feels a little out of place with no one to cuddle or grope herself until Siska curls up in her lap and starts filling her in on past shenanigans.

 

“The skinny dude in the corner between Gabe and Pete is Mikey Way!  We've known My Chem since 2004. Gerard doesn't come out to parties much, but Mikey showed up with Frank, Jamia and Ray. They're our guests of honor.” Siska points to a tall man in the corner with looming hair. “Ray is the epic hair guy. Frank was here, but since Jamia came too, they're either grinding somewhere in the middle of all that or having sex on another bus.”

 

Epic hair g- Ray catches them looking at him. Ashlee smiles and waves, poking Siska until he does the same thing. Ray waves back and goes back to his own conversation. Ashlee stays for a couple of dances with Sisky and an honorary grind with Mikey Way ("Ooh!  Slinky!") before heading back to the Cobra bus.

 

It's kind of eerie because there's a bass line coming from the inside.  The closer she gets, the louder it is.  If it was accompanied by a guitar, that would be different.  Then she'd know it was just Ryland and Alex messing around with This Is Ivy League.  It's coming from the back lounge, notes stacked in a steady groove that's really, really not Ryland style.  "Ryland?" she calls out opening the door.

 

The brunette woman on the other side jerks her head up and freezes.  Ashlee's never seen her before.  The bass on the other hand sounded like the missing link to Girl Band.  Strong and distinct instead of the usual mellow that she's been messing around with on Garage Band.  "You!" she says, eyes open in surprise. 

 

She's about to go on and say "...play like an angel, pretty please stay here while I get my band and talk them into asking you to join," only the stranger starts babbling.

 

She's so, so very sorry that she's playing the bass and her names Jamia, she's here with Frank.  She just got really bored at the party and the fender was all alone, "And I couldn't help myself. I think Frank's rubbing off on me.  Shit."

 

"Oh my god, you're the missing piece."  Ashlee can hear the faint ghost or what a bass line would sound like on _Necromiconventional_.  She is the missing piece to their music that they've been arguing over.

 

"Can I just leave so we can pretend this never happened?" Jamia says.  "I'm not a crazy fan.  Ask William or Gabe." She turns the amp by her feet off.

 

Ashlee uses her body to block the door frame.  "Oh, oh no.  You're not going anywhere until I get Maja and Vicky-T."

 

Jamia clutches the bass in front of her like a shield, taking a step away from Ashlee towards the wall.  "My boyfriend disappeared to use the bathroom.  He's going to notice if I'm missing."

 

Oh god, this sounds really bad in retrospect.  Ashlee tries to explain, "No, it's more like this.  We're missing something and you're the missing piece!  I have these friends, well, more of a band really and we kind of need a bass player, and this is kind of a shitty way to try and recruit you-"

 

Jamia's voice cuts in, absolutely horrified.  "Oh my god, you're Ashlee Simpson."

 

Ashlee stop and looks down at herself to verify this.  She may be a little drunk.  "I think this is Kismet." She says seriously,before running over to the bus door.  "VICKY! MAJA!  VICTORIA ASHER I FOUND US A BASSIST!"  Jamia follows her as far as the front lounge, still holding the bass like a shield.  "Look, I'm sorry, can I leave?"

 

Ashlee folds her arms stubbornly.  "Not til they hear you play bass."

 

Jamia puts the Fender down on the sofa.  "Listen here Simpson.  I've apologized.  I've given the fender back.  I was willing to fuck off but if you think you can hold me here against my will, you have another thing coming you crazy bitch.  Get out of my way before I kick your scrawny ass all the way back to Texas, capisce?"  Jamia looks like she's about to resort to physical violence, but Ashlee's sure as hell not going to lose the missing piece that easy.

 

The door swings open and both of them glance at it.  Jamia crumbles a little when she sees Vicky and Maja.  Ashlee smiles at Jamia nervously before turning to Maja and Vicky.  "It's her!  Her bass!  She's what we need!  She's the last piece to the band."

 

Jamia's eyes dart back and forth between the three of them.  "So, Vicky-T, can you explain what this crazy ass pop singer is doing holding me hostage."

 

Maja  grins to Ashlee and stage whispers, "I like this one.  She is feisty."

 

Vicky waits until Maja glances at her, and then the two of them stare into each other's eyes.  Ashlee likes to think of it as their psychic link/Vulcan mind meld moment.  Their faces twitch at the corners, but they communicate better than anyone else Ashlee's ever met.  After a long creepy pause, Vicky breaks away and turns to smile at Jamia.

 

It's terrifying.  Like watching Wednesday Adams.

 

Ashlee kinds of loves it. 

 

"Pete's letting me set up a side project band with Maja and Ashlee,"  Vicky bites her lip, then tilts her head to the side.  "Actually, I think you would fit in really well.  You'd have to help us write bass lines into the songs...Jamia, would you please play bass for my band?"

 

Jamia's mouth drops open a little.  The anger drains out of her face and is replace by complete surprise.  She moves as if to speak but doesn't quite manage to form the words.  She sits down quickly, missing the bass by a hair.  "I think I need a fucking drink and time to think about this."

 

"Jamia!  Say yes!"  yells a man's voice from inside the bus.

 

The girls all turn around.  The bathroom door pop open, letting out a tiny, heavily tattooed guy that Ashlee's never seen before.  He's practically vibrating with excitement.  Ashlee beams at him.  She can't help it, it's like he's radiating joy.

 

Jamia's head darts up from her hands when she hears the voice.  "Frank?"  It's all the cue that the guy- Frank needs to rush over to Jamia.

 

He beams at the girls.  "Sorry, wanted to eavesdrop on you two while I was taking a shit. Fucking glad I did!  Jamia, baby, you have to say yes!  You've always wanted to be in your own band and you know Vicky-T's not going to fuck you over."

 

Jamia looks complete baffled.  "Frank, they want me to join their band!  Look at them!"

 

Ashlee glances at herself and her band mates.  Jamia's got a point, they don't look like members of the same band at all.  Vicky's dressed in day glow colors from head to toe, with black wrist cuffs and a black belt around her dress.  Maja's stage clothes can pretty much be described as "Jailbait Farmer's daughter" complete with tiny cut off shorts, a tiny plaid shirt, braids and vicious stilettos.  She didn't have time to change clothes before the party.  Ashlee's wearing her suede overalls with a tube top.  She hasn't gotten around to redyeing her hair, so it's a scummy black with greying ends where she chews the tips.  They don't even look like rock stars.

 

Frank glances at them briefly and shrugs.  Ashlee waves back, despite a disapproving glare from Vicky.  She can't help it!  He's kind of adorable and scrappy.  Frank  pushes the girls to either side until he has enough space to kneel in front of Jamia.  "You're the best bass player in the whole fucking world, baby.  You should try it.  If it doesn't work out, we can get married to cheer you up"

 

Jamia punches him lightly on the shoulder but he keeps smiling.  "Impulsive decisions are your thing," Jamia says weakly.  "What about the label?" 

 

Ashlee can see Jamia's caving.  She feels pressure on her wrist and she turns to look.  Maja's slight head shake is enough to stop Ashlee from bouncing on the balls of her feet.  Right.  Not a done deal yet.

 

Frank bites his lip, thinking carefully for a moment.  "Look, it's like you've been waiting your whole life for the right mix of people to come along.  Give it a shot.  If you're worried about the label, Mikey will help me.  He's been talking about  getting back into the scene anyway. We can hire assistants."

 

Jamia's shoulders slump and she turns to the girls for the first time since the Frank guy showed up.  "Look, I'm gonna have to think about and hear you guys play before I decide anything, alright?" 

 

Ashlee nods a little too eagerly while Vicky agrees, cool as anything.  Jamia and Frank excuse themselves and leave the Cobra bus. 

 

When the door closes, the girls start throwing high fives to each other.  "She's as good as in!" Vicky shouts happily.  Maja nods her agreement with a hint of smugness.  Ashlee does a victory dance in the corner.   She found the missing piece.  Pete's not surprised when she texts him about it. 

 

_thrs a reasn i gave mikey the code to the bus_

 

***

 

Jamia comes back the next day with Frank, still pretending she hasn't committed herself.  Ashlee can see it in her eyes.    She says she's just there to hear the music, only they barely get halfway through the first song when she says, "Wait- Wait" and runs outside.  She comes back with a bass and a beaten up leather case.  She starts playing something that sounds like what a bass line to "Gender Schmender" should sounds like. 

 

Two hours later, they've rewritten "Gender Schmender"  from start to finish.  She promises to once she finalizes things and practically has to drag Frank off of The Sounds' bus.  Johan is visibly disappointed.

 

It's awkward trying to come up with conversation when they aren't working on songs, but it fades pretty quickly.  Jamia, Ashlee learns, is hilariously sarcastic.  She's got a come back for everything.  She's not put off by Maja's blunt abrasiveness, or Vicky's quiet, cool exterior or even Ashlee's manic states.  She's also an organizational genius, because it only takes her another week to put her affairs in order and join them on tour.  

 

***

 

 

Ashlee picks her up from the airport delighted in every possible way because, FINALLY, someone she can write music with while Vicky and Maja are at the venue. There's only so many sound checks Ashlee can sit through without wandering off to explore.  She's already gotten lost twice at different venues to her utter humiliation.  At least this way Ashlee can work on the music while Maja and Vicky do their thing. 

 

They finish "Gender Schmender" "1776" "Heartbreaker" and "Hippocampus Harmony" that first week.  The creative high is fantastic.  Ashlee sends Pete a recording of "Hippocampus Harmony."  Pete sends them back an email addressed to the whole band, raving about how fantastic they sound and how insanely perfect this song is going to be when they add in a live drum beat.

 

Ashlee groans into her hands.  "We are going to have to get a drummer at this rate."  The other girls all pale when they read the email.  Jamia even goes on to let out a string of curse words.  "What are the chances a drummer's going to land in our laps like me and Ashlee did?"

 

***

 

They get Youtube videos posted to their MySpace of all kinds of drummers.  Ashlee watches most of the videos with Jamia during the day.  Jamia's running commentary on their shit techniques is kind of hilarious, but even Ashlee winces at the one where every single drum is tuned too low for any kind of music. 

 

Word gets out through Decaydance that the Girl Band side project AKA Maja's Death Brigade AKA Vicky-T's Assassin Squad AKA William Beckett's Favorites! is looking for a drummer.  Pete starts sending them names of drummers he knows from the Chicago scene while Maja and Vicky gently investigate the idea of maybe getting a friend of a friend in oh it.

 

MSI sends them a message over Facebook letting them now in angry all caps to not so much as even think about taking Kitty after Kitty leaves them a note on MySpace offering to help until they find a permanent drummer.

 

Maja and Vicky almost manage to convince The Butcher to fill in but, as Maja tells Ashlee disgustedly, "Bill climbed into his lap and ruined everything!"  Vicky fills in the rest of the story for Jamia and Ashlee, telling them about how Bill begged Andy to stay loyal to the band, even making Sisky give Andy doe eyes during the entire exchange until Carden banned them from the bus.

 

"No more TAI parties?" Ashlee asks sadly.  Vicky shakes her head.  They all sigh.  Not because the parties would be missed, but because they know Gabe Saporta is going to try and bring the parties to them.

 

***

 

The ban barely lasts two days because two days later, a drummer pretty much falls into their laps. 

 

After the Dallas show, Ashlee and Jamia have plans to go out for drinks with Maja.  She's about to go in through the side door, when she sees someone waving frantically at them from behind the barrier.  Ashlee doesn't recognize the face, but Jamia does because she looks surprised and calls out, "Otter? Matt Otter Pelissier?"

 

His clothes are pretty trashed.  Boots shredded down to the point Ashlee can make out glimmers of steel in the toe. Even his drum sticks, sparkly purple, look grimy from where they stick out of his jeans pocket.  Last Ashlee had heard anything about Matt Pelissier was when Jamia told her excitedly that her husband's band got a new drummer.  Some kind of inner band scandal with the old one had ended with their drummer taking off.

 

"Shit, Otter, the fuck have you been?"  Jamia says, hurrying over to him.  He shrugs.  Ashlee's uncertain about what to do, so she follows Jamia, smiling tentatively with the expression she used for dick interviewers.

 

Jamia starts battering with questions and Ashlee's impressed at the way this scruffy guy has the patience to wait until she runs out of things to ask and says, "I heard you need a drummer.  I'm here to audition."

 

Jamia snorts, "Where's your kit, invisible?"  Matt glares at her strong enough to make Ashlee flinch. 

 

"Bob fucking Bryar has my kit, Jamia," he snaps, and then swears softly under his breath. "Can't I use one of your friends' kits?  Please?"

 

Jamia gives him a look of open disguist before throwing her hands in the air. "Let's just get this over with. We are-"

 

"Yeah. I'll go get one of the techies to help me unload a kit. Marcus won't mind helping."

 

Jamia and Matt turn and stare at Ashlee who feels a little surprised herself that she said it.  Ashlee's pretty sure she can look sadly at The Butcher until Andy let's them borrow his kit.  At the very least, even if hobo guy is shitty, he could be like a tour musician until they find a real drummer.

 

"Ashlee, what are you doing?" Jamia hisses in Ashlee's ear, giving Matt a dirty look.  "We can do better than this fucker."

 

"Look," she whispers back. "If he's good, we have a tour drummer until we get someone better.  If he's not, maybe the Butcher will cave and help us out." 

 

Jamia throws her hands in the air turns to Matt.  "Come on, we've got to wait until the concert's over."

 

They get him through security and back on the bus, where Jamia's mouth forms a tight line and she starts cooking as much Italian food as their shitty bus kitchen can handle.   Anthony, who spends a ridiculous amount of time on their bus anyway, just stands around and helps her as best he can considering Vicky 'forgot' to unlock the handcuffs before Cobra's set started.

 

Ashlee starts frantically texting Pete about Matt.  _mcr's old drummer auditioning. good idea? check y or n_

 

Nate gets on the bus before the tiny cheering mob, takes one look and tells everyone that Cobra's partying on the TAI bus while Girl Band takes care of things.

 

"Thanks Nate!" Ashlee yells at his back. 

 

Maja and Vicky get vague looks of recognition when they get on the bus.  There's a couple seconds of movement between them, silent creepy communication that reaffirms their psychic status in Ashlee's head. 

 

Jamia grabs the other two and pulls them into the back lounge with a quick, "Be back in a sec."

 

Matt just keeps inhaling the spaghetti Jamia set down in front of him.  Ashlee just keeps beaming.  It's the same smile since they found Matt, and her face kind of really hurts, but it's still better than staring at each other awkwardly. 

 

The girls come back while the bus door shuts behind him.  Ashlee gets off the couch and moves to stand with them, make a more uniform picture.

 

"Okay, Otter-"

 

"Matt," he says.    He shifts his head and his eyes to the space above Jamia's head.  "I go by Matt now."

 

"Here's what we're gonna do," says Vicky.  Matt shifts his gaze to give Vicky his full attention.  "We've got some song recordings without any drums.  You'll listen today, crash on the Cobra couch, and then have a drum piece written by tomorrow for one of the songs.  If we like it, you're in.  If not, I'll call Brian and get you a plane ticket home."

 

Ashlee turns to stare at her band in horror part way through.  "Can I talk to you for a sec?"

 

Vicky  nods and ducks with Ashlee into the backroom.  Ashlee gives her a pointed look.  "Tomorrow?" she snaps.  "Isn't that a little cruel?  You can't give him a real chance

 

Vicky  bites her lip. "Matt...He was kicked out of My Chemical Romance.  He was having problems keeping time in a live performance, there was an argument over a click track.  Things got really ugly.  We don't even play the style as he's used to.  This way, we've officially given him a shot and we can get rid of him when he fucks it up without anyone crying foul."

 

Ashlee thought about it.  It made some sense.  If this guy really had been a shitty drummer, then there was no sense in leading him on or anything.  Maybe she could stall.  "How are we going to get a drum kit by tomorrow?"

 

"Nate's kit, Butcher's sticks and seat." Vicky countered. "I called Nate and asked already." Well, it was worth a shot.

 

Ashlee gives him her iPod to listen to.  He sits in the tiny breakfast nook, eyes closed and drumsticks in his hand, twitching out beats over and over again.  She stays up, pretending to watch a movie  but keeping an eye on her sidekick.  Pete starts texting her during the opening theme of Ferngully.

 

_wtf, srsly, mcrs matt wants 2 join ur bnd?_

 

_i kno!!!_

 

_wur is he_

 

_on the bus. vckyt says he gets 1 shot.  he jst looks drty_

 

_pix pls_

 

She snaps a picture of Matt, head low, drumsticks blurring at the edges.  It's a terrible picture since Matt's eyes are closed but he looks so angry and strung together that she can't make herself ask if she can take his picture.

 

_keep me posted prncess_

 

_kk dorkface_

 

Nate kind of quails in front of Vicky.  He keeps the bitching about loaning out his drum kit to a minimum, only doing it when she leaves him to set it up outside on the asphalt.  Matt helps, following any and every direction Nate gives him.  The girls fetch their instruments while Matt warms up.

 

It's Vegas, so there are small crowds of fans watching them set up from a few feet away.  Ashlee smiles and waves.  A couple members of their audience waves back but mostly people just look confused.

 

Matt settles down behind the kick - Nate's hovering nervously a few feet away- and says the first thing he's said all morning. "1776.  After the third hit on the kick drum, Vicky comes in where the song started before."  He stares at them, waiting for an invisible signal. 

 

Ashlee gives him a thumbs up and a smile.  His lip twitches.  He starts playing.

 

The drumming is his mind body and soul.  She doesn't think she's ever seen someone so exposed.   Ashlee misses her entrance because she's struck by how completely lost he is in the music.   She jumps in on the second line.  Maja sends her a glare, but the other two women don't even notice. 

 

He ends the song not with a crash, but on the toms.  Ashlee is beaming at him when he looks up.   Even Jamia's smiling with a touch of wariness. 

 

Maja's the one who says it though.  "Welcome to the band."  The fans are cheering from behind the balustrade.  Ashlee throws her hands in the air and cheers with them, trying to do a belly dance she's been working on for "Mismatchmaker."

 

 _It's official_ , she texts Pete.  _Girl band has a drummer.  wait til you hear the new 1776._

_u guys r keepin matt p? 4 real?_

Then, from Pete again a second later, _coming out to hear you guys and talk things out w/ matt p can't trust my prncess 2 any1._

When she looks up from the sidekick, her bandmates are talking about song changes with Matt some of their music has changes since the crappy recordings Ashlee stuck on her iPod.  Matt's still gruff on the edges, especially with Jamia, but Ashlee sees the suspicious twinkle of happiness lurking in the corner.

 

***

 

The tours almost over when Pete shows up.  They have to borrow Nate's drum kit again when they five of them play for Pete.  He bounces like a little kid, and it's kind of annoying but kind of really cute at the same time.  Ashlee winks at him during "Carbonite Copy" and he laughs louder than she can sing. 

 

"Welcome to the band Matt and welcome to my harem!"  Pete spreads his arms to embrace Matt in a hug after their set.  Matt stares at him until Pete backs down.  Ashlee gives Pete a consolatory snuggle.  He came with a small stack of paperwork - "FBR's gonna want this stuff asap" -and recording dates for their first album.

 

There's a celebratory party on the TAI bus.  Matt is non-consensually cuddled by nearly every musician and tech on the tour, with Gabe and William Beckett going back for more in between dances.  It's mostly the party goers who keep up the cuddle time, since Matt looks so incredibly uncomfortable.  William eventually drop introducing everyone to Matt as "his wifey" and clings to him with Christine.

 

Pete's kind of ridiculous.  He sweet talks the crowd, laughs with everyone, and flirts outrageously with the TAI bus driver, Cheryl.  Ashlee can barely keep up with him, but she tries anyway because watching Pete Wentz do his thing is more fun than a bus full of Cobras.  It puts off the inevitability of Pete turning his charm full throttle on her.

 

It takes him a few drinks to get there, but Pete does eventually straddle her on the couch.  "We should totally cuddle, Princess.  You aren't a member of this label til you've cuddled with me."  Ashlee laughs but shakes her head. 

 

She leans in close though to cup her hands around his ear. "Shh," she whispers.  "Can't cuddle you 'cause you have cooties."  Pete grabs her around the waist before she can move and places a large wet kiss on her cheek. 

 

"Now you've got then too."  She makes a face and squirms out of reach, wiping at her cheek with the sleeve of her hoodie. 

 

"Damn it, no fair sharing your cooties!"  This is the wrong thing to yell because suddenly, there's a small crowd of eye-linered youth crowding around Pete for cooties.  He winks at Ashlee and starts to shimmy in the center of his crowd. 

 

Ashlee finds herself next to Matt who looks confused as hell and well-rumpled, holding a slip of paper with an email scrawled on it.  "Bus?" she offers. 

 

"Get me away from Bill Beckett's wives before I break one," he says.  He shoves the email in his pocket and follows her back to the Cobra bus.

 

"You can have my bunk tonight if you want," she says. Matt's been sleeping on the sofa in the front lounge.  Matt nods.

 

Jamia told Ashlee that Matt's normally a loud-as-fuck douche bag, but in the time Ashlee's known him he's just been quiet and grumpy, like the seventh dwarf.  It surprises her when Matt turns around at the edge of the bunk. 

 

"It- It wasn't like this when I was touring with....with the other band," he says finally.  "More drinking, less free love cuddle time. At least for me."  He tenses, a dark edge in his eyes just daring Ashlee to pity him.

 

"Psshhh!" Ashlee says, batting a hand in the air.  "Nothing is like touring with Cobra Starship.  Gabe Saporta should come with warning labels." 

 

Matt almost smiles back at her before he ducks into her bunk.  Ashlee considers that a total win.

 

***

 

The rest of the tour slash song writing extravaganza goes really smoothly except for a few minor bumps after Pete leaves. 

 

TAITV sneaks on to the Cobra bus in the dead of night and tries to kidnap Matt as a spoil of war, only to be sent packing by one very cranky drummer.  The Butcher swears it was a draw, Matt swears they're a bunch of crazy fuckers.  Gabe Saporta tries to organize a raiding party but there's only two days left so Vicky talks him out of it.

 

Matt still lets Christine Bandy drag him to William's parties.  He just stands next to the booze with the two of them looking uncomfortable until he can escape, but he still shows up.  It makes Jamia suspicious.  "He used to disappear on them and come back drunk all the time," she insists.  "What is he playing at?"

 

The other minor bump, is the explosion on their MySpace when they upload a couple songs and release their official line up. Ashlee wakes up one morning to a phone call from Pete asking her not to freak out and for the love of God, let no one in the band google their names for a couple days.

 

Ashlee gets out her MacBook and does just that.  She can't help it, she has to know now that Pete's mentioned it. 

 

Smack talking about how Vicky-T has no right to leave Cobra Starship.   Same for Maja.  A few positive comments about Jamia but just as many comments about how she's using her husband's fame to get into the industry. There's a bunch of vicious posts about Matt and how he's going to ruin the new band.  She's horrified by how many posts insist there's no way it's her voice on the songs. She's surprised the comments still hurt her as badly as they first did right after it happens. 

 

Ashlee closes her  laptop and curls up in her bunk.  Her father leaves eight messages on her phone and Pete's flooding her inbox and finally, finally she gets a call from Jess.  She answers after the first ring.

 

"Hey, sis.  You know you sound fantastic right?"  Ashlee rolls her eyes and chuffs into the phone.  Jessica's voice is really soothing. Even when Ashlee wanted to kill her for being Mom and Dad's favorite, she still ran to Jess when bad things happened on the playground. 

 

"I know you and right now, you're probably freaking out about the haters, but seriously, did you even take the time to read any of the comments that weren't bitching you out?  The fans really, really seem to like your band and you guys haven't even had any real press yet.  Wait ‘til Dad start- Okay, bad example because he's been throwing a non-stop hissy fit this whole time.  Wait 'til your new label starts upping the ante, everyone's going to be raving about you."

 

"Shut up, Jess," she says.  Ashlee smiles into the receiver.  "How'm I gonna tell you about this trip if you keep talking?"

 

Partway through she figures out how much she misses Jess and their weekly phone calls.  She makes plans for them to go shopping when the tour is over and to do a sleepover at Jessica's place.  She hangs up feeling more like herself than ever, so she finds Gabe and the two of them fill every bunk on The Sounds' bus with silly string. 

 

Jesper turns the funniest shade of purple when he's angry.

 

***

 

When the Suits and Snakes tour is over, Ashlee invites everyone to stay at her house during album recording.  There's a month break in between the end of Maja's tour and when they are due in the studio.   Ashlee figures the time will fly by crazy fast but in reality it drags.  

 

Maja sends picture texts of The Sounds' tour and Vicky writes hilarious emails about her tour ex-boyfriends.  Victoria's habit of picking boys for the length of a tour isn't uncommon, but the wear and tear she gets out of them is pretty hilarious.  Gabe and Nate still talk in hushed tones about the time with Jeff the drum tech but no one ever gives Ashlee the details of what exactly happened.  Jamia mostly calls her at weird hours in the morning and uses colorful language to describe the bands she's scouting.

 

Ashlee spends the time texting Pete about how bored she is and stalking MySpace.  There's only so many times she can go shopping with her sister before she wants to shoot herself.  She goes out dancing a couple times with a few other friend-acquaintances on the celebrity circuit but it's pretty boring after Snuggle Happy Fun Time on the TAI bus.  She even does a couple discreet one night stands just to pass the time, but sneaking out of sketchy apartments is not as fun as it used to be.

 

That's why she's almost kind of pleased that an unexpected visitor starts banging on her door in the middle of the night.  Well, not really, because she's in the middle of a Friday the 13th marathon and wearing fuzzy kitten pajamas, but at least it's something different.

 

Ashlee knows she's excitable.  That's why she grabs  a kitchen knife instead of the shotgun Dad gave her for her fifteenth.  She doesn't get a warning from her security team and Jess never said anything about dropping by, so she's almost completely convinced herself that whoever is at the door is there for nefarious purposes.

 

She looks through the peephole but all she sees is a tall looming figure in a hoodie.

 

She puts one hand over her alarm system, thumb over the panic button and yells through the door, "Just so you know, I am a Kung Fu master!"

 

"What the hell!  Ashlee, it's me, Matt!  It's pouring out here, Ash.  Don't feed me a bunch of Kung Fu bullshit," Ashlee puts the knife down on the hall table and opens the door, hugging Matt in the middle of his angry grumbling.  He doesn't even try to fend her off, he just picks up her up and walks into the hall.

 

Ashlee's pajamas are soaked all down the front from where she squeezes Matt. She makes a face when he sets her down and  goes to her linen closet to fetch him so dry towels.  She takes a proper look at him while he rubs his hair dry.

 

Matt's has the same threadbare duffel bag he had with him when they first met.  A few patches sew on in different spots.  There's one patch that's been painted over, a splotch of brown on what would otherwise be a punked out duffel Ashlee would love to have.  She'd bet anything it used to say My Chemical Romance in spikey letters.  She doesn't have the nerve to ask though.  All she can manage to say is, "Want a snack?"

 

He shrugs, which Ashlee has learned can mean anything from Hell, yeah to fuck off and die.  Right now, it means, Yes, god, yes! Feed me for I am a starving ninja man who drips in the night.  Or something like that. 

 

She shows him where the kitchen is and watches him scavenge for edible food.  Ashlee doesn't cook much for herself. All she has is a fridge full of condiments and take out boxes.  Matt manages to eat all of her scraps, including some questionable cheese in her store cupboards, a forgotten box of captain crunch, and all three bottles of Tabasco.

 

Ashlee takes it all in with round, awed eyes and texts Pete about every bizarre thing he eats.

 

_TABASCO!  THREE!  STRAIGHT FROM THE BOTTLE OMG!_

 

_mayb ur drummer is an alien  i saw roswell u should check_

 

"Matt, are you an alien?"  Matt shrugs.  Ashlee doesn't know how to translate that one.

 

She takes another tack.  "So, what are you doing here in the middle of the night you crazy person?  And how did you get past my security?"

 

Matt puts down  the jar of pasta sauce and shifts his from side to side.

 

Ashlee interjects quickly before he makes a run for it.  "Not that I don't want you around!" she add hurriedly.  "I just wasn't prepared for people to show up yet.  I haven't even bought groceries, you know?"

 

He deflates at the edges, letting go of his spoon to run his hands through his hair.  He doesn't look at her when he speaks.  "Before we split, I was going to ask Brian, our manager, to help me buy a house for me and my girlfriend Caroline.  Thought I was gonna propose. When they," his voice dips lower and comes out rougher.  "...when they fired me, I lost everything.  I can't even go home."  He puts the jar on the counter and stares at his hands. 

 

Ashlee slips next to him and wraps her arm around his.  "I keep the ice cream in the deep freezer.  It's in the garage." Ashlee has always had a soft spoke from people as broken as she is.

 

Matt looks at her with bewilderment and a touch of relief.  Ashlee just pats him on the arm.  "This situation clearly calls for ice cream and a Gilmore Girls marathon.  It's my sacred duty as your friend and as a female person to provide you with these things. Pinky swear not to tell the girls."

 

He cocks an eyebrow and actually smiles.  It's small, crooked at the edges and a little tarnished but Ashlee makes it a personal mission to make at happen more often.  He sticks out his pinky and Ashlee solemnly crosses with hers. Deal.

 

That's how she ends up redoing his  toenail polish and he braids her hair while Paris Geller has a spaz attack on TV.  "So, why can't you go home?" Ashlee asks quietly.

 

Matt's hands still in her hair.  She can't see him from where she's sitting on the floor but she can imagine him expression.  Barely contained anger like whenever they ask him about anything from before.

 

"My mom passed away when I was a kid.  The Way's were my foster parents until Don and Donna got divorced.  Divorced couples can't be foster parents."

 

Ashlee turns around slowly, folding her arms over his knees.  She's never seen Matt this close to crying before, this defeated. 

 

"I was with them for six years before I got relocated during high school.  Gee and Mikey were like my brothers by then, they stuck with me when Child Services moved me to another house.  She's still my mom, she'll always be Mama Way, but I can't see them after-"  His voice cracks off. 

 

Ashlee crawls up next to him on the couch.  "Siblings just suck.  Once, a guy Jessica liked smack talked my voice to his friends.  I used to strip naked and play the guitar to piss her off when I was twelve.  She filled my acoustic with hot glue to ruin the sound and convinced my parents I did it to make them buy me an electric.   I stuck gum in her shampoo so she'd think she fell asleep chewing it.  She had to cut off seven inches and get hair extensions."

 

Matt snorts, "Oh yeah?  Once Donna left us the car while she went out of town.  The morning Mama Way gets back, we go to the breakfast table and there's like a dozen used condoms.  Two of them were mine so the others had to be Mikey's.  She makes us all sit down and she gives this speech about how we all shouldn't be having sex, especially not in her car, and, she stares at Gee the whole time she says this next bit, considering the evidence she would like to say that she's really open minded and would love to have an excuse to join PFLAG, so if there's anything anyone would like to say about orientation, she loves all her boys equally, no matter their sexual preferences Gerard."

 

Ashlee lets out a delighted shriek, "No way!"

 

A smile tugs at the corner of Matt's lip.  "Mikey looked liked he wanted to sink into the floor and die.  Gee just stared at her with his mouth open.  When Gerard didn't say anything she grounded all of us and left the condoms on the table.  I mean, I was pretty freaked, but Gee would not stop harping about me being the gay school slut and letting him take the blame for it."

 

"What'd you do?" Ashlee asks.

 

"What'd you think I did?  I took the blame for Mikey with Gee, just like Gee took the blame for me and Mikey with Mama.  Next time Mama went out of town, I got everyone to give me their used condoms and stuck them in his dirty laundry pile.  She flipped at him for not coming out when she came home.  I'm pretty sure she thinks Frank is her son-in-law." The happy look he has while telling the story is almost instantly replaced by the familiar fury Ashlee's used to associating with his reminiscing.   "I can't go back now."

 

"You can have my home," Ashlee offers, then regrets almost instantly.  Insensitive much?  "It's just me and the security team but this place is huge and I barely use it."

 

"Don't you live here year round?"  The tensions just starting to drain out of his shoulders again.  Ashlee beams at him. 

 

"Only when I'm not touring!"  She hasn't toured, not really.  Not like the Snakes and Suits tour, with friends and techs and family.

 

Matt rolls his eyes, "Scrawny ass on the floor please, I have work to finish."

 

"Where'd you learn to braid?  I never learned but Lorelei taught Rory."  Ashlee turns up the volume with the remote before she gets back between Matt's legs, facing the television.

 

She can feel Matt's shrug through his hands on her hair.  "Gerard."

 

***

 

She ends up falling asleep curled up on the couch with Matt stretched out on the ground like a bear rug.  She gets woken up by Ginger ringing her door frantically because Ashlee is already twenty minutes late to meeting with a couple producers about the state of her new solo album.  She has to run back into the house to fetch her guitar, and when she does, she leaves her phone on the table.

 

When she gets back to the house, she finds Maja making soup from scratch in her kitchen.

 

"Eeeee!"  She throws her arms around Maja who hugs back just as vigorous as Ashlee is.  Maja looks and smells fantastic.  Like a spring meadow instead of reeking like unwashed teen boy.  Ashlee feels something heavy against her back.  It's Matt and he's wrapped around both of them.

 

"Three way hug!" cheers Ashlee.  She gives Maja an Eskimo kiss.  The two of them try to give Matt a three way kiss, but he grumbles at the back of his throat when they try and it makes them dissolve into giggles.

 

Maja explains that her girlfriend lives in the area - Ashlee blinks- so she thought she'd drop in on Ashlee. She hadn't expected Matt to be the one to have security let her in! “I also brought groceries just in case,” Maja adds.

 

“Marry me,” Ashlee says earnestly. Maja lets out a peel of laughter.

 

“You are too precious. Victoria's going to be here soon. Cobra just finished filming a music video.”

Ashlee pumps her fist into the air, “Yes!” Vicky-T makes it officially a party.

 

***

 

Over the next couple days Ashlee discovers how freakishly domestic her band is.

 

Maja shows up when her girlfriend's at work to cook them real food while wearing an apron. It's the apron that weirds out Ashlee the most. Maja's the most earnest person Ashlee knows, except for where her girlfriend is concern. Maja is downright vicious about keeping her private life separate from her career. The only person in The Sounds that's even seen the mystery girlfriend is Jesper and apparently he's sworn to secrecy. Ashlee doesn't even know what Frieda looks like, for all that Maja's hopelessly in love with her.  Sometimes, she's convinced the girl is a figment of Maja's imagination.

 

Matt showers two or three times a day and he has a drum kit delivered to the house. It gets set up in Ashlee's practice room, squeezed into a corner next to her guitar rack. She knows that Bob Bryar ended up with Matt's drum kit from a truth or dare game on the TAI bus. She doesn't know what she would do if someone took Snoopy, her first Acoustic guitar, away from her. She doesn't bring it up again to Matt, but she does send Pete a text about it.

 

_mcr has mattie's drum kit. can you ask mikey to give it back?_

 

_bbryar put it in storage whn he got his kit on tour. ill track it dwn._

 

_< 3 thnx dorkface. ur my favorite!_

 

_king dorkface, princess. patricks my queen._

Ashlee wakes up one morning to the sound of a wildebeest. At first she thinks Matt left Planet Earth playing on the TV but then she hears Maja scream. It's enough to send Ashlee running down the stairs as fast as she can.

 

There, squished underneath her favorite manbearpig and Maja is Vicky-T Asher in a slinky sun dress and a bag still tagged from LAX. “VICTORIA! You're here!” Ashlee opens her arms as wide as she can manage. Only her right hand managed to even touch Vicky but she's got arms full of Maja and Matt.

 

“Eskimo kisses for everyone!” Maja laughs but goes along with Ashlee's plans for Eskimo style cuteness. Even Matt gets into the spirit, rumbling a little and standing still so the girls can brush noses.

 

“Do I get a couch or do I have to use some Cobra powers?” Vicky looks fantastic, like Jersey really agrees with her, which is strange because Ashlee can't imagine anything agreeing with Jersey.

 

“Jamia's coming soon,” Matt reminds them later when they've settled into the second guest room, AKA Vicky's luxury resort stay at the Simpson house. The first thing Vicky unpacks is her computer and doesn't look up from the monitor once she presses power. Maja's sitting on the bed next to her, giving her a non-stop commentary on the week so far.

 

“Yeah?” Ashlee beams at him. Once Jamia got over her initial suspicions about Matt, the two of them were thick as thieves.  In fact, ever since they hung out together, or as Ashlee likes to think of it, bonded through the primal power of television for women, he's been talking to them more and more.

 

It's kind of funny because he's such a dick all the time, but with their bandmates, Ashlee's noticed that he's more careful about his words. She doesn't know if she should punch him for treating them differently or hug him because he's still pretty fucked up from My Chem. Now that she's actually in a band, just the thought of a break up makes her want to grab Pete for a cuddle.She can't imagine how it would feel if she lost Jessica's support too.

 

“She called to warn me she's bringing Frank,” Vicky says without looking up from her computer.

 

Matt scowls at the mention. “I won't say anything if he doesn't say anything.” Ashlee pats him on the knee.

 

“If it's really shitty, we can always watch Gil-Tranformers! Yeah, uh, Transformers or go see monster trucks of WWE or something.” Ashlee sounds so strange, Vicky and Maya actually turn to look at her for a moment. Matt doubles over in laughter and she can feel her face heat up.

 

She texts Pete. _What does fob do when one of u guys need cheering up?_

 

_Porn or scrabble. If its bad we eat ice crm n watch lifetime_

 

_scrabble?_

 

_Joe is deadly with the triple lttr word scores._

 

***

 

 

Jamia lets herself in when she arrives. Ashlee's warned her security about the girls showing up so she totally misses the whole part where everyone has a group nuzzle. When Ashlee still wearing a towel in her hair when she hurries down the stairs. She stopped to put on some clothes. Frank's changed his hair again and so has Jamia.

 

“You make an awesome blond!” Ashlee tells her, smiling. With her head tucked over Jamia's shoulder, Ashlee can see Frank glaring at Matt, Maja glaring at Frank, and Vicky and Matt pretending Frank isn't in the room at all. Awkward.

 

“Right! Proper introductions now,” Jamia says when she pulls away. “Frank, this is Ashlee, she's our singer. You know Vicky.  You've toured with Maja before – Warped I think.” She pointedly doesn't mention Matt.  It doesn't make any difference.

 

Ashlee dives in for a quick hug with Frank and Jamia.  Frank manages an awkward wave to them. Vicky's the only one who returns it. Ashlee gives him her reporter smile. He jiggles his leg and announces to the air, “I'm taking the taxi back to the hotel room.”

Jamia swears and follows him out the front door. Ashlee can hear them arguing through the door because of the prevailing silence that the two of them leave in their wake.

“I don't know about you guys," Vicky says. "But I'm going up to the studio."

 

Everyone rushes upstairs behind her.  Ashlee has to lean back and hold the railing during the rush so one of Maja's heels won't kick her eye out. When they reach for their instruments, they dawdle over tuning so they don't have to 'wait' for Jamia when she comes up.  The studio overlooks the front lawn so with the window open, everyone can easily over hear Frank insist Jamia should convince the others to get rid of Matt.

 

Ashlee looks over at him.  His hands clutch the drumsticks together.  Matt's shoulders are shaking at the edges in his rage.  Ashlee leans into the space he's staring into and makes a face.  She sticks her tongue out and pulls the edges of her eyes until his lips start twitching into a smile.

 

Franks voice yells something unintelligible and the sound of a car door slamming shut floats in through the window.  Ashlee freezes mid tongue wriggle.  Matt tenses again at the edge, going to grab another set of drum sticks.  Vicky tosses Maja a packet of guitar strings.  Maja turns to argue but Vicky shakes her head slightly.  "Trust me on this one," Vicky says while she checks her battery power.

 

The door opens to the studio. Ashlee's never seen Jamia this red faced and flustered.  Ashlee opens her mouth to say something but Jamia cuts her off.  "Don't," she says.  "Don't even fucking think about saying anything about Frank being a dick because you guys were assholes too.  The only one who has any kind of right to be pissed is Matt but we are fucking adults.  Ashlee, so help me God, if you don't get that creepy fake smile off your face I will slap it off.  We should work on Inside Man, I feel like shredding."

 

Ashlee stops smiling and reaches for her acoustic. 

 

It's terrible.  Matt actually sends one of his drum stick flying during his warm up, hitting Maja on the back shoulder.  Maja plays little too slow.  Jamia plays fast and hard, breaking one of her strings halfway through Inside Man and another during Zero Kelvin.   It's a complete disaster that has Jamia angrily correcting their mistakes after each rendition, saying the cruelest things aloud about her own playing.

 

Ashlee forgets the lyrics she's written half way through "Oh Darling Day," and sings something totally different in frustration.  Instead of stopping, Matt adjusts the beat.  When they finish, Vicky grabs Ashlee by the shoulders.  "Can you remember what you just sang?"

 

Ashlee shakes her head and scrambles for one of the sheet music pads she keeps in the corner, scribbling down the words to a changed song.  Maja takes it from her and starts writing chords in short hand.  Vicky add her own changes in the margins while Maja writes. Jamia takes the paper when they finish and starts making her own notations.

 

They end up changing the title and two thirds of the song from "Oh Darling Day" to "Day that Ends in Y."  Vicky sets up her computer to record video of them once they've worked out the logistics of the song. Ashlee talks her into sending the clip to Pete.

 

She gets a text from him that night around three in the morning.  _b there soon.  brngng lunchbox._ She sleeps easy once she's heard from him.  She can't sleep until she's had her daily dose of Pete.

 

***

 

This time she could have sworn she'd be ready.  She knows the time Patrick and Pete were going to show, she tipped off security, and she clears her schedule.  Ashlee calls Dad to warn him she'd be busy producing the album over the next couple weeks, she reminds Jessica not to drop by because they are going to be recording, and then she goes out and buys all the vegetarian food she can find at the store.  Jamia buys her own vegan snacks and leaves them in the cupboards but Ashlee remembers Nate bitching about Pete eating all their hummus whenever he shows up so she wants to be prepared.

 

She's having her purchases wrung up when her phone beeps.  It's a picture text from Maja that shows Pete and Patrick looking at the instruments her studio room.  Ashlee pulls her hoodie lower on her face and calls Pete.

 

"I thought you said you weren't coming until tomorrow." The check out counter girl  glowers at her.  Ashlee's always hated the way no matter how successful you live your life, the cashier will never give you anything over than disdain. 

 

"Couldn't wait, princess.  I bought one of those maps to the stars homes to find you.  Your address is only twenty five dollars at the airport, but it's thirty on Fifth and Newport.  What's up with that?"

 

Ashlee can picture his stupid donkey teeth smile on the other side of the phone.  "I would have given you a ride.  Kevin Sorbo has the best limo hook up." She wants to yell at him for letting himself into her house but by now she knows there's no point.  He'd just make a point of doing it every time to drive her crazy. 

 

Pete's voice is still cheery on the other end, "But if you gave me a ride, I wouldn't have been able to find TMZ and pants their camera guy.  Hey, can I touch your Gisbon?"

 

Ashlee hangs up.  If he's asking, that means he's already fonding her guitar and she is not leaving him alone with her guitars.  She pays for the groceries in cash and has a bodyguard help her carry the food out to the car.

 

***

 

Vicky and Maja hooking up the electrical equipment when she gets up to the studio.  There's a couple of unfamiliar guitar cases under the window.  Pete's talking seriously to Jamia in the corner.  Jamia  looks relieved to see Ashlee and calls to her.  "Welcome home!"

 

Pete takes the moment to throw himself at her and curl around her body like a lemur.  Ashlee sputters a little.  The movement sends hair flying into her mouth, but she hugs back just as enthusiastically and doesn't even punch him when he sneaks in a small grope.

 

Patrick looks a lot different in person than in pictures texted to her phone.  He's shorter than she thought, his hair blonder, his lips fuller, and his eyes are kinder than she ever imagined.  She can't begin to imagine how different Joe and Andy must look like in person, if the difference between 2D Patrick and real Patrick is this wide.

 

Patrick's situated himself at Matt's drum kit.  Matt looks at her helplessly, eyes darting to Patrick at his kit.  Ashlee winces.  Matt's never really stopped being territorial about his drums after Bob Bryar.  He has no qualms telling the girls to step the fuck away from his drums, but he knows better than to snap at Patrick.

 

Patrick turns to her, bright blue eyes and smiles once he notices where Matt is staring.  "Hi, nice to finally meet you face to face.  Pete told you I'd be producing for you guys, right?"  He sounds nervous so Ashlee cuts him a break.

 

"Nice to meet you, Patrick.  You guys want something to eat?"  She has 20 pounds worth of Morningstar in the refrigerator that she knows she'll never eat.

 

Pete grins up at her.  "Lunchbox here just wants to get started."

 

Maya looks at them skeptically.  "Here?"

 

Patrick nods authoritatively, "Yeah.  I want to get a feel for your music and see what changes should be made before we go into the studio.  If you guys could play through your set list first, we can work on the songs individually after that."

 

Ashlee is so not prepared for this and by the mildly irritated looks from Maja and Jamia's arched eye brows, the rest of them aren't either.  Matt doesn't say a word, he just walks out of the room with his sticks in hand, grabbing Ashlee by the elbow.

 

"You said they'd get here tomorrow," he says in a lowered voice.  Ashlee jerks her arm out of his grasp.  "Yeah," she snaps.  "Because that's what Pete told me." 

 

"If it helps, Pete also told me it would be tomorrow before he dragged me on a plane, put me in a taxi and brought me here and told me to do my thing," Patrick says, leaning out of the doorway.  "I could come back tomorrow..."  His voice trails off right around the time Matt starts glaring at him.

 

"Now is fine," Vicky's voice interjects from inside the room.  "We just need a couple seconds to rearrange our schedules."

 

Ashlee can hear Maja talking rapidly in Swedish with Frieda on the phone.  Jamia's voice is tracked right over that, a voicemail left on Frank's phone letting him know she's be late to the hotel.  She doesn't have anyone to call herself since she already cleared out the day with Ginger for cleaning.

 

Ashlee  has to practically shove Matt back into the room to get started.   Jamia takes one good look at him and hangs up. "I'll grab your spare sticks from your room."  Matt nods, slipping his purple sparkle drum sticks  in his pockets.

 

Ashlee hooks up her guitar and her mic stand while Vicky tries distracting Matt with every Two Girls One Cup joke she can think of.  Pete sort of hovers around Ashlee the whole time.  "Dude, I'm sorry.  I didn't think one day would be that big of a deal.  We cool?"

 

Ashlee doesn't feel like dealing with it so she gives him her reporter smile.  "Okay," Pete says wincing.  "I can see I have a lot of groveling to do."

 

They start with "1776"  and "Gender Schmender" to warm up.  Ashlee slips out of get bottles of water for her, Maja and Vicky.  Then they do "Heartbreaker," "Zero Kelvin," and "Day That Ends In Y" without stopping between songs.  It's bizarre doing their set for an audience because Pete is a bouncing overexcited puppy that Ashlee can't help but put on a show for, and Patrick...

 

Patrick is focused.  He's watching all of them at once and there are moments when his hands twitch along to the music.  He takes notes when they pause between songs.  Vicky shamelessly tries to read over the words while she plays.  Patrick only notices when she steps on his foot.  On the bright side, she doesn't miss any notes.  Ashlee's too nervous to try to see what he says but admires Vicky's balls for trying. 

 

The rest of the songs go really quickly once Ashlee's gotten used to having Pete and Patrick to watch them.  The whole thing is a little over an hour from start to finish.  The band looks at Patrick and Pete expectantly as they finish out the last harmonies on Necromiconventional.

 

"Holy shit, you guys!  That was fucking awesome!" cheered Pete.  "Way better live and you guys are pretty awesome in your rough demo."  He starts doing this twisty little celebratory dance.  Ashlee smiles and joins him.  She shimmies to the beat of "Rosemary's Teenager" in her head and laughs when she hears Jamia groan.

 

"Dance party!"  Vicky joins in laughing and after a moment of hesitation so does Maja.  Ashlee's sees Matt and Patrick out of the corner of her eyes, staring with them fond exasperation.  "Mattie!  You have to dance too!"   

 

Matt does the Egyptian and then laughs. Ashlee stops dancing long enough to beam at him before going back to grinding against Maja.   Ashlee loves grinding with Maja because Maja grinds like she was taught by cheerleadings moonlighting as dirty hookers.

 

"Okay, you guys have some pretty amazing music for me to work with, but I still have some ideas that will really clear up your sound," Patrick says one the dancing dies down.

 

Ashlee flinches a little because she knows those words.  Those are the words that mean _, we're going to spend the next few weeks working you to exhaustion and afterwords, you're going to thank me._   She would have never guessed by looking at him that Patrick Stumph would be one of those producers.  She's already dreading their studio work.

 

***

 

Surprisingly, it's not Ashlee who has the worst time of it.  Except for the occasional bitching out because she's still "putting too much pop, sing it again" and some key changes, she gets off pretty light.

 

It's Matt who gets the worst of it.    They all learn very quickly that week that Matt is almost completely unable to separate his emotions from his stage performance. When he's happy, he sounds fantastic but the minute his emotions go south, he starts missing beats and having trouble keeping time.  Patrick really rides him on it when he starts dropping beats in the middle of a song.  That only makes Matt mess up worse which make Patrick rant and...well, it's a vicious cycle and Ashlee can only buy so much Tabasco.

 

The closer they get to their recording dates, the stormier Pete and Patrick get when the subject of Matt comes up.   "So, uh, how attached is the band to Matt?" Pete asks her nervously one day.  Ashlee considers throwing her water bottle at his head and but stops herself.  "Very."  She crosses her arms and glares at him.

 

Pete pats the couch space next to him for her to sit down.  She bits her lip to keep from exploding at Pete for even thinking about asking the question but she knows he has to.  "So like, what's his deal?  Is he having a rough time right now?  Does he have trouble performing in front of people?' Pete asks.  "Cause he sounded good in the demos and I've seen him do these songs perfectly before."  He sighs,  running his hand through his hair.  At this range, Ashlee can see the bags under his eyes under the smeared eyeliner. 

 

"It's Patrick," Ashlee says finally.  "Ever since Matt's drums were 'lost in storage', he's gone little ballistic when someone touches his kit.  He can't play when he's like, imploding emotionally and he's not going to yell at Patrick because he respects the guy too much."  She sighs.  "Total lose/lose situation."

 

Pete  taps her on the knee.  "If it's just emotional crazy, I think I've got a solution, Princess.  Sisky Biz solved that problem ages ago for The Butcher."

 

***

 

He buys Matt an inflatable punching bag.  It's shaped like a person and has a little plastic slide in slot in front of the face.  "So you can slide in the picture of the person you want to punch the most!" Pete tells Matt excitedly when he sets up the dummy in Matt's room.

 

Matt kind of stares at Pete like he's a fungal growth that started speaking.  Ashlee elbows him in the ribs.  "Thanks Pete, he really appreciates it.  He's just really over come with joy right now to  say thank you."  He hits him in the ribs over and over again through the speech.

 

Matt catches her elbow when she goes for one more hard dig.  "Okay, ow, I get the fucking massage.  Thanks Pete.  I need to borrow your Polaroid camera."

 

It works really, fucking, great.  Ashlee doesn't go into his room to see if the dummy has a picture of Patrick's face, but for the rest of their pre-studio time, Matt's easy going enough that Vicky checks his room to see if Gabe's been slipping him tranqs on the sly.

 

She does laugh hysterically when Matt takes a picture of Frank dropping off Jamia. Sure she saw it coming but that doesn't make it any less hilarious.  Jamia is less than pleased.

 

***

 

The studio time goes really fast.  They spend a little over a week actually laying down the tracks since most of the details are worked out before hand.  They hear the final versions of the songs in the studio. 

 

Ashlee is amazed that her voice sounds like...like her voice.  Not like mixing or filtering or dub layering.  It's her, and Vicky and Maja intertwining.  Jamia's bass and Matt's drums are the pulse of their music.  It's so different from anything she's done but it's beautiful and it's perfect and it's fucking theirs.

 

The five of them end up in some ridiculous tangle as they all try to congratulate each other.  Jamia high fives everything that moves, Ashlee starts dancing, Vicky hands out Eskimo kisses,  Matt is bear hugs everyone in arms reach, and Maja tries to do all of it at once. 

 

Matt even hugs Frank who looks traumatized when it's over.

 

Ashlee  rubs noses with Patrick first, who looks just as excited as the rest of them.  Then she finds herself standing in front of Pete.

 

She can't help it, she beams at him like he's Christmas come early because he kind of is.

 

"Aren't you glad you met me?" Pete leans in close, eyes half shut and presses his nose against hers slowly.  Ashlee feels her pulse race.  "Don't flatter yourself.  I'm glad I met Lunchbox," she says.

 

He laughs with his forehead pressed against hers and she can smell garlic and onion on his breath and she thinks-fuck.  Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Of course now is the moment she figures out that she has the most ridiculous crush on the most ridiculous man she's ever met.

 

Pete pulls away before she can work herself into a panic and dives for Matt.  "I want my Eskimo kisses!  Gimme, Mattie," he yells as he tries to scale Matt's back.

 

There's still interviews and promotions and tours to do and Ashlee knows she's going to be seeing Pete non-stop the whole time.  Non stop with her stupid, ridiculous crush.

 

"This is the beginning of a disaster," she says to no one in particular.

 

Maja is the only one who seems to hear what Ashlee says.  She ruffles Ashlee's hair with affection and smiles, "Yes, but what a beautiful disaster." 

 

"Okay, did you pick a name for the band yet?" Patrick asks.  "We do need to mention your band name in promo ads for 'Red Suede Shoes'."

 

Everyone's celebrating slowly comes to a stop. "Motherfucker," yells Jamia.  "We forgot the fucking band name."  Ashlee buries her head in her hands.  Disaster the size of Pompeii.


	2. II.  Matt

The day Jamia and Frank leave, Matt steals Vicky's computer to check his email. In the morning, Matt's the first person awake in the house. After the studio recording, everyone gives up on waking early except for Matt. Now that he's not on tour, he likes the soft morning sunlight. Mornings on the West Coast is his time of day for checking emails, making business calls, call friends and all that domestic bullshit. Pft, like he fucking has any friends left. Matt's been a loner his whole life, only really becoming emotionally attached to a small handful of people and ignoring the fuck out of everyone else.

What Matt does have, is an inbox full of emails from two surprising sources. The top email is his box is from Christine Bandy.

_Art history is fantastic and horrible at the same time. One of the students said he wasn't very upset by death and it turned into a eight page paper on interpretations of death in the Italian Renaissance period. Really? I mean, really? Can't wait to get out of this ridiculous school. Art school is more pretentious that I thought it would be._  
 _To answer your question, Bill's going to be in town next week. Such a shitty person to live with. He steps on my oils, never remembers to pick up groceries and he washes all the clothes together. My whites are never the same when he's off tour. How much do you think it would take to bribe him into spending the week living with Travie? If he keeps insisting everyone is his wife, then he should make everyone else put up with his ridiculousness._  
 _And he always eats the last poptart. I miss him like crazy because he's Bill, you know?_  
 _stay ziplock fresh, <3 christine_

Matt's been keeping an email correspondence with her since the Snakes and Suits Tour. It was nice having someone to talk to when his new band barely trusted him. Her and Bill Beckett insisted they stay in touch when they first met on the TAI bus and weirdly enough, fucking kept in touch. For every email from Christine, there's a voicemail from Bill on his phone. As far as Matt had been able to make out, either Bill was married to every person on the Snakes and Suits tour, or he and Christine were roommates who lived together off tour. From the conversations he'd been forced to live through, Bill enjoyed having sex with as many people as possible on tour and Christine found it weirdly endearing. Thus the best friend hypothesis.

Before his band warmed up to him, Christine and Bill were his fucking lifeline to keep his shit together. As is, Matt's already sending requests through Ashlee to make sure they do a tour with The Academy Is... sometime this year. Or at the very fucking least, a festival.

Matt tosses up another thank you to whatever fucking higher power exists that Frank and Jamia are going home so at the very least, the cat fights over a band name would die down a little. Even Pete had started referring to the five of them as the Indecisives for short, a band name that was unanimously vetoed.

According to Frank and Jamia, they've got a ton of Skeleton//Crew things to iron out, even though as far as Matt can tell, Jamia and Frank did nothing but work on Skeleton Crew during their spare time. The picture of Patrick on his punch dummy was replaced by Frank's face as soon as the recording sessions were over. Matt doesn't need his punch dummy any more but he finds the faceless dummy in his room extremely creepy.

Matt's glad to see Frank go, he's not gonna lie. If Matt has to put up anymore with the nasty looks the little shit keeps throwing him, he's going to punch him in the face. Jamia on the other hand, he's going to miss. Maybe it's the Jersey connection, but she gets the way he works. He's always gonna love her for that,

The band goes to LAX to see her off. At the gate the other girls snuggle her goodbye, and Matt sends her off with a big, rumbling bear hug. They all had a couple months of time between their album release and damned if everyone in his band wasn't going to spend it doing what they loved. Frank flicks him off while Jamia gives airport security their boarding pass. Mattt shrugs at him, _fucking asshole_.

Everything settles into a routine once they're gone. Maja comes over during the day while her girlfriend Frieda is busy. Vicky wakes up around noon and steals back her laptop from Matt. They watch horror movies, play catch out back, and talk to Gizmo and Suarez through the webcam. Matt's got this soft spot for cats that he blames on living in Jersey with Gerard and his fucking allergies.

It's hard to leave Ashlee alone when she's offered him her place, so he doesn't. He can't say no to her. She reminds him of his favorite toy as a kid. It was a ferret of course, because back then none of the cool kids kept teddy bears, but beanie babies were cool, and like, if anyone had asked, he could have said it belonged to his sister. He stays because he's never had a girl as his best friend before, and really, it's kind of awesome, even if she does demands he take showers every day. Compared to the Way brothers, her standards of personal hygiene are off the charts.

 

***

 

Vicky is the next to leave. There's a Cobra tour that she has to fly out for. To celebrate, Maja bakes a cake, and Ashlee entices Vicky off of her laptop with promises of nightclubs and all night dancing.

Two shots in, Maja and Ashlee are dancing by the jukebox. It's a cleaner sort of bar than Matt's used to drinking in. The floors are polished, the glasses are clean, and even the fucking beer nuts are crystal bowls. When he sees Topher Grace turn the corner, Matt decides it's time to step outside for a cigarette break.

He walks right into TMZ. There's a mic guy and a camera guy standing three feet from the back door. He'd probably punch out the fuckers if the girls were here but frankly, he knows he's not newsworthy. They're not going to bother him and Matt's a live and let live kinda guy.

"We saw you walking in with Ashlee. So, how do you know Miss Simpson?" asks the guy holding the mic. Matt takes a second look at them. The red light is blinking on the camera pointed right on him. Shit, he hasn't had a camera is his fucking face since Sweet Revenge came out.

Matt takes a slow drag on his cigarette. He's never liked dealing with the media. "Band."

The whiney voice asks again, "So, are you in her support band? Do you know if she seeing anyone l-"

His camera guy takes one hand off of the cam to punch the pap in the side. Matt gives a harsh laugh at the look of surprise. Fucking paps. At least he can talk them in circles with one word answers. Could be fun to lead them around. The corner of his mouth twitches, threatening to break into a smile. God knows Ashlee would freak out if TMZ got a good shot of him in his ripped up steel toed boots. Maybe she'd finally make good on her threat to buy him new shoes.

"Dude," camera guy says. "That's the drummer guy from My Chemical Romance."

Matt goes cold. That would have been bad enough except mic guy says, "Don't be an idiot, Josh. I've seen the music videos, and this guy looks nothing like Bob Bryar."

He drops his cigarette and lunges for the camera. It's only a couple feet away so he gets a good grip on it. He doesn't know what he wants to do: smash it, make a statement, scream his hatred for Ray Toro to the world, demand Bob Bryar give him his fucking drums back, but mostly he just wants to smash the fuck out of something. It's not until Mic guy tries to pry Matt off of camera guy he starts to get a grip on himself. Before he lets go he looks right into the lens and says, "Stay away from my band mates, TMZ, or else." He growls from the back of his throat shoves the camera away from him.

He goes back inside and the girls are still dancing. Vicky's filming them with her digital from a bar stool while simultaneously flirting with some guy in a penguin suit. All over again Matt's reminded of how fucking awesome his girls are. _Isn't that just classic Victoria? Having her cake and eating it, too._ He wants to join her, but as he's not a cockblocker, he settles for waving in her direction. She waves back, then winks.

His phone rings. A tiny picture of Bill making a silly face appears on the screen. Matt hits the accept button.

"Tell me about the place where drummers go when they play." Bill's doesn't really do hello. That doesn't bug Matt as much as the way Bill takes a fucking eternity to hang up.

Matt looks to either side, making sure the girls are busy before he cups his hand his phone. "I just attacked TMZ."

"What happened?" The playful tone drops out of Bills voice entirely, voice dipping lower. "Are you okay?"

Matt looks at the back of his hand. He didn't even land a punch. "Yeah, my knuckles aren't even bruised."

"That's not what I asked. Matt..."

"I don't wanna talk about it," Matt says, interrupting. "Look, now's a bad time. I'm bar hopping with the girls."

Bill makes an unhappy sound on the other end but he hangs up once Matt promises to call him back if things get bad. Matt takes another look around the bar. Yuppies, actors, and jailbait. He fucking hates L.A.

He orders another jaeger. Maja's the designated driver tonight and Pete's gonna shit a brink when the footage hits the air. He turns his phone off so he won't be tempted to call Bill back. He wishes he were the kind of guy who can call Bill back.

 

***

 

The day Vicky flies out is the day it's on the air. Ashlee's in the habit of watching TMZ so they drop her off at the airport early to make sure they have enough time to get back to see how bad the press is going to be. Matt told them about the scuffle the morning after their bar night. It's five days after the scuffle that the footage airs.

Matt looks at himself on camera and winces. It's bad. His eyes are dark and he looks crazy. The growl sounds inhuman and the pap guys mock him in the studio. Part way during the transmission, Ashlee gets a call from Joe Simpson. "I knew I forgot to call someone about this," she says miserable when she checks the caller ID. "Keep watching, answer the house phone if Ginger calls."

"Hey Dad," she says when she answers her cell phone. She glances at Matt and ducks into her kitchen. It's kind of pointless since her kitchen just has fourth wall to close it off from the rest of the house but it's the thought that matters, Matt guesses.

"Yeah, I saw it....No, Dad, I'm not firing this guy from my support band because he's in my actual band. Remember? The side project I've been working on for the past six months? We've talked about this" Her voice is agitated and Matt would feel more like a dick if he hadn't caught her hiding in bathrooms arguing with him on the phone before.

"No, I'm not dropping it," her voice sounds so fucking tired. "He's kind of an idiot with anger management issues but... What... Daddy, you have to be kidding... People are more than just good or bad press...."

Matt turns off the TV. He grabs the Gilmore Girl box sets from their shelf on the DVD bookcase next to the entertainment center. There's something clawing at his stomach, but he's used to the feeling. It hangs around him practically 24/7 since his fiancee left him after the MCR disaster.

He realizes then that he's barely thought about Caroline during recording. His girlfriend of more than five years and he just fucking forgot about her. He's a real piece of shit.

 _Yeah, it's a fucking Season 4 kind of shit day._ He puts in the first disk and waits for Ashlee to come out of the kitchen with her face washed and her nose extra pink.

"You must have read my mind with your alien powers," she says. She's carrying a pint of Dulce de Leche ice cream and a bottle of Tabasco.

Matt shrugs, corner of his mouth twitching. Awesome. Matt doesn't know what it is about Tabasco, but he loves the burn of it in his food.

The texts start flooding in after a couple minutes. He gets a text from Pete partway through. _snding foe reportr 4 damage control. dont fck this up_

Maja sends a picture of a butcher knife and a stiletto. He winces. "I think I need more Tabasco." He takes his cell phone into the kitchen and loses it accidentally on purpose so he won't have to deal with this shit.

They stay up all night watching their way through Season Four, with occasional bathroom/stretch breaks. They make it six episode in before someone rings Ashlee's doorbell around eleven.

"I have a doorbell?" Ashlee''s genuine surprise makes Matt fall off the couch laughing. He motions for her to stay on the couch as he goes and gets the door.

When he opens it, all he sees in a tiny person in a black hoodie and jeans. It's only when the head tilts back that he sees it's Pete.

Looking really, really fucked up. Eyeliner smeared to high heaven. Tear tracks running down both sides of his face. Matt blocks the doorway completely and Pete glances up at him, looking pissed off enough to take a swing. He knows better though than to just let Pete into Ashlee's house, especially during one of their nights hanging out together.

"Gilmore Girls in the living room. You have to pinkie swear not to tell," he tells Pete. Matt knows this shit is important to Ashlee and if he's being honest, it's kind of important to him too. He doesn't like the thought of sharing the one thing that was just his and Ash's, but frankly, Pete looks like he needs magical healing chick TV, or whatever Ashlee calls the genre.

Pete mostly just stares at him through bubblegum bangs in total disbelief. "You're fucking with me."

Matt holds out his pinkie. Pete looks at it like it's that gross ass goo Nate Navarro found in his shoes after he left them on the TAI bus. Serious shit, man.

Matt glares at Pete until finally, Pete solemnly pinkie swears. Matt moves aside to let him into the house. Pete goes right past him into the living room, kicking off his shoes as goes and finishing the run with a Breakfast Club sock slide.  
Ashlee brightens up and clambers off the couch. "Pete!" He grins at her weakly as he slides past on his socks.

"Hey, Princess," he says. Pete throws his arms around her as Matt settles into his usual spot on couch. "Guess who's seen me naked?"

Ashlee leans back out of the hug, looking at him strangely. "I don't think I like this game."

Pete voice drops an octave and pulls down his hoodie, so she can't see his face. "One of my one night stands leaked pictures of my junk all over the internet. It's been getting worse all day."

This, Matt did not know. They all stare at each other. "Jesus Christ," he finally says, breaking the mini-silence. Wentz's emo is legit this time.

"So uh," Pete continues. "Decaydance is gonna get hit with a lot of bad press over the next couple days. On the other hand, this is going to bury your pap attack in the news. That's why I'm having William Beckett come over to do the promo interview instead of just having Anna do it or something."

Ashlee looks almost as helpless as Pete for a moment. Matt gets up and fetches another spoon so that Pete can dig into the ice cream quart with them. When he goes back into the living room, Wentz is sprawled over Matt's part of the couch, half curled into Ashlee's lap. Matt presses the spoon into Pete's left hand and curls up on the foot of the sofa. He raises the volume and lets Luke's irritated voice wash over him.

 

***

  
Pete's there the next morning, making breakfast while Matt checks his email on Ashlee's desktop. He sees the subject line of Christine's new email in all caps "YOU HAVE LOST YOUR MIND"

_I can not believe you didn't call me right away. I had to find out from TMZ and call Bill to confirm. You told Bill but you didn't tell me? The hell! Not happy with you right now. You're lucky I love you because if any one else was this crazy I'd give them hell. I'd buying you a therapist for christmas. Jesus Christ, Matt._

_On more cheerful news, Gwen's birthday is tomorrow. Travie is more excited than she is. Bill has just enough time to fly out for the party from L.A. and fly back. Tell him I'm sending love and kisses when he gets there. I have to run and get decorations real quick, so just remember, if I find out you've been being emo without calling me or Bill, I'm going to cut off your balls_  
 _kisses_  
 _Christine_

Matt rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling. Really, god? Really? He wonders why his life is comprised of people pretending to give a fuck, then shakes it off. He hates other peoples emo bullshit so he's got no right to start acting like a hypocrite.

Thunk. Pete puts down a plate of Fruity Pebbles next to the computer and drops a couple cell phones on the table. "I cooked," Pete says cheerfully.

Matt gives him a cool look. "This is what you call cooking? Cereal?" Matt stops and gives the cell phones a closer look. "Wait, I think that's my phone. The fuck did I leave my phone?"

"That one was in the cereal box. Ashlee's phone was in the freezer. This household's kinda fucked up," Pete says, pulling the milk out of the refrigerator and joining Matt at the table. Matt gets up to grab a bottle of tabasco from the cabinet. He pours as much as he can over the cereal and then drinks the rest right out of the bottle. It was close to empty anyway.

Pete stares at him, wide eyed. "Oh my god, she was right. What are you?"

Matt shrugs. Breakfast goes by pretty fast with Pete staring at Matt and Matt trying to ignore it. Ashlee runs past them part way through, apologizing frantically but mumbling something about an audition. Matt just holds up her car keys when she does a second lap around the table looking for them.

Pete sticks around when she leaves, taking up the couch in the den. He's there when Matt pops out of the shower. He's still there when Maja shows up for lunch. He stays there while they rehearse in the afternoon. He's still there for dinner. Matt shoves some drawstring pajamas at him when it becomes clear Pete's in the living room for the long haul and throws his clothes into the washer.

In three days gets so that Matt finding Pete curled up in the downstairs bath typing furiously on his laptop is just as normal a sight as Ashlee painting her hair on the breakfast table with her sister on speaker phone.

Matt can't throw stones. At the very least, it provides him with the opportunity to takes care of any band business himself. For everyone else, this is the band is a side project. It's a side project they take seriously, but still a side project. Ashlee spends most of her time running around trying to meet with producers for her solo album. Maja has a couple days left with them before she disappears on tour with the Sounds. Jamia's up to her neck in Skeleton Crew work which Matt envies the hell out of her for. Matt has them and that's it.

 

***

 

Jamia breaks his routine by calling him week after flying home sounding irritated as fuck, "Mattie, I need your help." Matt shrugs instinctively and then catches himself.

"Yeah, sure Mama Mia, what's up?" Jamia hisses into phone. Matt laughs, punding his fist on the table. He thought Jamia would hate the nickname, but he didn't see the hissing noise coming.

Pete looks really disturbed. He'd been sitting at the breakfast table when the phone rang. Ashlee on the other hand doesn't even bat an eye.

"Shit, you sound like a cat," Matt crows. God he loves fucking with people.

Pete stops chewing and just looks at him strangely. Matt grins.

Jamia snarls. There's a sounds thunk on the other end of the line, the sound of her putting the phone down. Shit, he didn't realize she was in a shitty mood when he decided to fuck with her. "Whoa, this is serious. What do you need? Jamia? Jamia you there?" he demands.

There are some rustling noises on the other end before Jamia's voice comes in clear. "I know you've listened to the demos," Jamia says matter of factly. Matt starts to protest but she cuts him off, "That's actually why I'm calling. Name three bands out of that stack of demos I brought to L.A. that you think we should sign."

Matt looks at Ashlee and Pete, wondering if he should leave the room. Pete curls one arm around the cereal bowl and scoots back a little. Yeah, leaving the room's a good idea. Matt gets up and goes into the downstairs bath. "David Costa and hot like (a) robot."

"I said name three."

Matt rolls his eyes. "Fuck, Mama Mia. Everyone else is crap shit. If you think there's anyone else there that should be signed, you need your hearing checked."

There's some barking in the background followed by a bunch of ruffling noises. "Matt... Matt I want you to help me with Skeleton Crew."

Matt waits for the punchline to the joke.

"Mattie? Matt? Matthew Pelissier, are you fucking around on me? You still there?"

"Don't joke about that," Matt ends up snarling. "You know how much I want to do label work. Frank would never agree. Not in a billion years."

He looks for something he can throw but the only things on the bathroom counter are a cup and a Sidekick. He punches a wall instead and groan when he feels the pain shoot up his arm.

"Well, I need someone who can help me with this stuff while Frank's on the road. Mikey's playing personal assistant to Frank, but when they're gone I fucking need someone to help me hold the fort. I need someone I can trust who can help me work from the road too. Hiring a P.A. costs a fuckload and I'd have to train the dipshit anyway. I trust you, Mattie."

Matt puts the phone on the sink and slowly drops down to the floor, arms around his legs and head on his knees. He can hear Jamia's voice buzzing from the receiver, calling, but his mind is trying to stretch around the idea of someone trusting him with that. With anything really.

Matt knows it's irrational to panic and worry that everything's going to fall about like My Chemical Romance did, but he can't help it. His parents trusted him and they didn't even live long enough to see him graduate junior high. Mikey and Gerard were practically his fucking brothers and they betrayed him to the bone. As far as Matt knows, the only people who still trust him are Ashlee, cause otherwise she wouldn't let him crash at her house, Christine, and Bill. He doesn't even get why they care. He heart feels like it's pounding in his chest and he feels like he can't breathe. The familar, terrifying feeling.

He closes his eyes before he really falls apart. He takes his purple drumsticks out from the small of his back and drums out his favorite beat against the rim of the bathtub.

When he first went to live with the Ways, Mikey gave Matt the drumsticks. They were purple and sparkly with hearts drawn on in pink sharpie on the ends. "You were supposed to be a girl," Mikey had said. Matt shrugged but he took the drumsticks and kept them, sleeping with them until it was clear no one was going to take them away.

He finishes the drum beat with a soft drum roll. When he feels like he can breathe again, he picks up the phone. "Jamia?" he says softly. The cell says the call hasn't ended but she could also be really pissed.

" You had another anxiety attack, didn't you? Fuck head. You should see someone about it. Eventually one of the other girls are going to notice. How bad was it this time?" She sounds really worried. He can just picture her fierce face softening at the edges.

Matt swallows, "Seven or eight." He adds shakily, "Don't say you trust me unless you mean it."

He doesn't know what to call the sound she makes then. "Oh, I fucking mean it. Do you want to work with me or not, Matt?"

"I'm in," His pulse is probably off the charts but at least the shaking has stopped. Jamia starts talking about the paperwork she's got to fax over and the general information he needs to work on. Matt check him clock part way through and hang up when he sees it's about time for him to meet Bill for the interview.

 

***

 

Bill is browsing the DVD collection when Matt finally finds him. "Not a single horror film," he comments sadly from where he's crouched down at the shelves.. "not even Scary Movie one or two." Matt needs to touch him. When he finally gets in arms reach of Bill, he stops. He doesn't know if he should pat him on the shoulder or just hug the guy but Bill solves the problem by standing up and embracing Matt.

"I recognize though beat up shoes anywhere," Bill whispers in his ear. Matt doesn't bother with any kind of pretense, pulling one arm around Bill's shoulders and the other around his waist.

He rests his chin on one of Bills shoulders. He feels relaxed for the first time in a long time.

"You were supposed to call," Bill insists, pulling back to an arms length distance. "Did you get any sleep at all last night?" He makes a displeased noise and grabs Matt by the wrist, pulling him into the kitchen and making him a cup of tea without a word.

He would have never made it those first couple weeks with the girls if it wasn't for Bill. God, he missed him.

 

***

 

Bill had ducks out of their reunion early to change out of his travel clothes. "Everyone should travel in pajamas, Mattie," Bill says before he ducked into the bathroom with a duffel bag.

The interview is set up for Ashlee's band room. They move Ashlee's guitar rack out to move in the beat up sofa from the hallway. Matt's just grateful no one tried to disassemble his kit.

Bill reappears wearing a low riding jean shorts, no shirt, and a bandanna around his knee. Matt stares. He's never seen one of his friends show that much skin before without being naked, drunk, or in drag. A tiny looming belly button right over the button of Bill jeans.

Maja wears a sundress to the interview instead of her stage clothes. Matt raises an eyebrow to the ensemble. He hasn't actually seen her in a sun dress before. "Anniversary dinner tonight," she says. _Mm._

In the end it's Matt on one end of the couch, Maya in the middle, and Ashlee looking windswept because she shows up at the very last minute, as always.

Bill holds up his thumb for Pete to start shooting and promptly sits down in Matt's lap, smiling.

"Hi I'm William Beckett here for Friends or Enemies with Matt Pelissier, Maja Ivarsson, and Ashlee Simpson to talk about their side project band and their album that has just been recorded in the studio," Bill waves cheerfully at the camera lens. Matt's brain is still circling around the concept that there is a guy sitting in his lap with an arm casually thrown around Matt's neck. "I hope you don't mind me sitting here, Matt. And if you do, just remember what Gabe Saporta always says!"

"What does Gabe say?" Matt's stupid fucking mouth.

Bill smiles at him brilliantly. "It's not gay if you don't cum." before Matt can even process the idea of a response to that comment, William arches back until he's sprawled across all three of their laps. "Hey Maja," He says into the mic and then hold it up to her.

"Yes, Bill?" Christ, he's even got Maja smiling openly.

"Did you know you're my favorite?"

Ashlee ruffles his hair affectionately. "Everyone's your favorite."

Bill bats her hand away, "Well if everyone's my favorite, why doesn't everyone tell me about your new album, like first off, what's your bands name?"

The three of them look at each other. Matt answers, "We Haven't Decided Yet."

They really haven't. They don't mind being referred to by people as the Indicisives but they all absolutely refuse to mention the nickname anywhere near the media. They also get referenced as Girl Band which makes Matt wince a little every time.

Bill just grins and stretches one arm over his head. "Ooh, catchy! I like. Now you have to tell me about all the influences on the album! The public wants to know!"

Ashlee's got this one, "All sorts of interesting ideas really! Dead Puppies were a band that really influenced one of our songs called "Zero Kelvin." I know I personally looked for style ideas from Jay Gordon and Serj Tankian." All weirdly enough true. The first time Matt caught her listening to System of a Down on their stereo system, he yelled "Opa" and twirled her around in a circle. Ashlee went on to say, "It's nothing like any music I've ever made before."

Maja nodded in agreement. "A stronger modern rock feel to it than The Sounds have. More electronic too."

Bill hold the microphone out to Matt expectantly. Matt shrugs. The girls each given him an expectant look. "Our sound is the fucking shit."

Ashlee gives him an exasperated look and Maja kicks him sideways as well as she can with Bill across her lap. Bill just laughs really loud, holding his stomach. Even Pete chortles behind the camera.

"Okay, last question," Bill says finally. "If you're gonna make a celebrity sex tape with someone, who would it be?"

Ashlee shakes her head, "Not touching that with a twenty foo-"

"Hugh Heffner."

Matt feels every set of eyes in the room settle on him. He shrugs, "Come on. Everyone would be talking about it for years. My cock would be legendary." His mouth feel dry and he starts to panic, "I'm totally straight though. And single. Very straight and, uh, single"

"Hugh Heffner?" Maja's voice sounds strained.

Bill grins and sits up, throwing both arms around Matt and thunking him on the back of the head with the microphone. "Oh Alexander, were you a woman and had I not met Josephine, I would that you and I were wed!"

Matt just looks over to Pete who is braying with laughter. "Can we end the interview now? Please? Before I say something else really stupid?" Then in an aside to Bill, "Who the hell is Josephine and Alexander?"

Bill kisses him on his cheek. "I have to edit and post this."

Matt's never seen anyone post anything on the internet so he follows Bill into the bathroom where Pete keeps his lap top. Once they both get in, Bill closes the door behind him and leans into his space.

Matt's brain doesn't really understand what's going on other than, tall, slinky boy has really nice lips, when he feels those same lips press gently against Matt's mouth.

This is a really weird, bad idea. "Straight," Matt says softly when Bill pulls away. Bill's eyes are brown, like Caroline but he's nothing, nothing at all like the kinds of girls Matt likes to sleep with on the road. It really, really turns him on in a way he doesn't want to think about right now.

Bill cocks an eyebrow at him and smirks. "Single. Heffner," he says and leans in for another kiss. Well, hey, Matt's willing to try anything once so he turns his brains off and sucks in the hollow above Bill's collar bone.

"Gabe likes to say it's not gay if it's Bill Beckett," Bill says when Matt works his hands under Bill's shirt.

"Can you not mention Saporta. Don't wanna think about his creepy eyes," Matt huffs.

"You don't want to kiss me?" Bill flutters his eyelashes and leans in closer. Matt shrugs biting down around his jungular. Bill hums with pleasure.

“So, uh,” Matt says softly. “This is still kinda gay,” Bill starts shaking with a strangled laughter, making Matt crack up. The words sound even more awkward out loud than he did in his head.

“You, Matt Pelissier,” Bill says, pressing a kiss to Matt's cheek, “...are welcome on the TAI bus whenever you want. In fact, you should show up when you don't want. Kiss me, you fool!"

"You are so ridiculous. Fucking loser," Matt says smiling. He rolls his eyes but he still moves in for another kiss. They lose half the afternoon that way before Bill kicks him out to actually work on the video.

 

***

 

The next day internet explodes.

Pete lists their band's video as "We Haven't Decided Yet" and the internet seems to get the impression it's their actual name. There are comments about Ashlee looking to metal/hardcore influences for her vocals and there's all kinds of speculation as to what their band is going to sound like. What's freaking Matt out is that the way fans seem to be saying a) really positive things about him and b) making all sorts of gay rumors. Matt tries not to think that there might be some truth to the rumors. He's from Jersey. If he wants to repress and make some risotto, by God he's going to repress and fucking make risotto.

"Not that I don't love you, but for dinner can we have something other than Italia- okay, nevermind, I'm going back to my room."

Among those rumors are more rumors that since it's a girl band, clearly Matt has to be Male to Female transgendered! The first time he reads it he laughs so hard he falls out of the fucking rolly chair.

When he starts seeing that nearly every trans related comment was really positive and commending him for being brave and shit, he makes up his mind to do something. He comes up with a plan and texts Pete.

_Call me, I have a clan shirt idea. Wait til you see this._

He takes a black T-shirt, some fabric paint, and a few sponges. The end result is lopsided lettering and crappy color layers, but he takes a picture of it and sends it to Pete anyways. Then Matt wears it when he goes out to the airport to pick up Jamia who's flying in for a photo shoot.

He makes sure to walk in through the public entrance so that every paparazzi has a chance to photograph him wearing jeans, sunglasses, and a multicolored shirt that says "I am MALE to AWESOME."

Jamia whistles when she sees him. "Very open minded of you," She plays it cools, just waving as she walks over to him but then drops her bag and runs over for one of Matt's bear hugs.

"When's Vicky showing up?"

Matt explains that her flights only a couple hours later so they stay in LAX and wait for her to show up. Vicky gets off the plane with Gizmo in one hand and a laptop bag in the other. Their hugs are pretty fantastic and she demands a shirt too.

 

***

 

Pete has to go online after the footage of Matt in his shirt goes public to let the fans know the clan is going to be producing a couple hundred in the future, proceeds all going to trans charities. He sells all of them through pre-order. Pete has to go online after the footage of Matt in his shirt goes public to let the fans know the clan is going to be producing a couple hundred in the future, proceeds all going to trans charities. He sells all of them through pre-order.

Matt feels like king of the fucking hill when Pete texts him news about the photo shoot they're doing for the inside cover of the album. Matt's copying the information down on to the big fuck off calendar Ash keeps in the kitchen when Jamia walks in and peeks into the fridge.

Matt looks up and feels dread begin to wash over him. He hears the soft sounds of plastic containers bumping into each other before Jamia's head leans out from behind the fridge door.

"Matt," she start dangerously. "Why is this fridge full of Italian left overs?"

Matt is too scared to shrug. "I, uh," he starts. His mouth is really fucking dry. "I, uh, did something kinda gay."

Jamia closes the fridge door and sits down at the table next to him, rolling her eyes. "Much as I hate to quote Pete, gay is not a synonym for shitty. We're gonna be role models now. Watch your language."

"I made out with Bill after the interview," Matt says. Jamia's eyes bug out for a moment and her mouth drops open. If it wasn't for the whole, REPRESS! REPRESS! instinct, he's pretty sure he'd be enjoying this moment.

"Holy fucking Mary," she says finally. "Well, that explains the mountains of Italian food." Matt nods.

"Personally, I'm somewhere between repression and freaking out quietly," he admits.

Jamia bites her lip and tilts her head to the side. It’s her serious face. "Bill pretty much just does one night stands as far as I can tell so I don't think you have to worry about him acting weird." Matt shrugs. He's pretty sure that out of the two of them, the only one of them freaking out would be him. Sometimes he feels like the butchest guy on Pete's entire emo gay label. Even the Butcher has spent some time in Cobra Starship's sketch back lounge with Gabe Saporta.

"You could always email Christine for advice. You said they're roommates, right? She's probably knows what's going on in Bill's head better than you do." Jamia taps her finger over the new marks on the calendar.

"So, is the photo shoot with a Fueled By Ramen guy or with a friend of Pete's," Jamia asks.

Matt's grateful as fuck for the change in subject. "It's with a foaf. Friend of a friend. Kanye West recommended this guy but Pete's never worked with him before."

Jamia sneers, "Fantastic. We're test bunnies." She stops and taps her fingers on the table. "Never mind, I'm being a dick. Need my cigarettes and some coffee." She stand up and starts doing whatever voodoo that creepy ass coffee pot of Ashlee's demands. Matt reads off the time and the date. Jamia swears.

"It's today?"

Matt shrugs. Fucking Thursdays.

 

***

 

It takes them a few hours to round everyone up and get down to the studio lot where the photo shoots going down. It's a bunch of bureaucratic bullshit and Matt's glad he doesn't have to drum after this, because when they go through a fifth security checkpoint, it's a little insulting. Parking's a nightmare from hell. By the time they actually locate the building, Matt and the girls get pushed into corner where there's a screen and a couple racks of clothes labeled with names and numbers on the hangers.

Ashlee narrows her eyes and starts texting frantically. Vicky starts looking through the rack with Maja. They've got a bare bones space, white screens. Matt looked through the concept at of their insert so he's not twitchy about what it should or shouldn't look like. The number of assistants, 4? 5? 6?, running through the studio is a bit annoying, mostly because they all seem really busy but Matt can't figure out what the fuck they ought to be doing.

Maja grabs the first thing on the rack with her name on it and ducks behind the screen. Jamia and Vicky are inspecting the clothing more carefully and whispering about it. Matt's not really since clothes are clothes or whatever until he get's a good look at his rack. "Jamia, do your outfits come with shirts?"

He's got a bunch of pants, some vests, a set of suspenders, but no shirts. He's no Fat Bastard but Matt's not exactly Mr. Olympia either.

Matt thinks he's having a cardiac episode when Maja steps around the corner of the screen wearing a bikini bottom, knee high boots, and one of those sling halters.

"So this is a mostly naked photo shoot, then," Jamia snaps. Vicky pulls out a corresponding outfit and it's a dress short enough to us in some of Matt's favorite strip joints. Ashlee snaps her sidekick shut and pulls out her own crazy boy shorts bikini top ensemble.

Ashlee snaps her fingers to get everyone's attention. "Okay, Pete says we try a couple shots with this guy and if it's really bad, then he'll help us get a photographer he's worked with before." Matt hear himself rumble something about how it's fair and Jamia glares at him like he's a traitor. Vicky bites her lip but they all manage to get themselves into their photo shoot clothes.

Matt's not a self conscious guy but he kind of feels really self-aware when they walk out to the make up trailer. Sure their photo shoot is on the Warner lot, but it's just fucking weird to walk around without a shirt on and half security guards get a good eyeful of the soft beginnings of a beer belly. He doesn't even want to think about how the girls feel. Ashlee and Maja seem fine, but Vicky keeps tugging at the hem of her dress and Jamia refused to even take off her jacket once she got around the screen.

He glances at her only to catch her eye. She gives him a miserable look, "Frankie's gonna kill me when he sees this." Matt nods and makes a face.

Make up doesn't take long. It's a little uncomfortable, but the girls in the trailer are pretty quick and efficient, he guesses because they're back on the set a couple seconds later. The photographer dude smiles and jumps into an introduction, explaining how his name is Chris and he's doing this as a personal favor to Kanye. He goes on to explain how it would be individual shots first and then group.

When they start up, Vicky first, that's when Matt figures out that the dudes a total douche bag. There’s a condescending tone when he tells Vicky to throw her arms around the Sheep props, has Ashlee angle herself a little to make her look thinner and fuck, Jamia looks like she wants to kick this guys ass as much as Matt does. Part way through Jamia's series, he feels a hand tap his shoulder.

Maja eyes are cold blue serious. "Sexism is standard for the industry. This kind of talk is normal. Wait until it is your turn, Matthew." She steals Jamia's coat to go smoke outside and Matt figures he's probably overreacting if Maja's chill with it.

Matt turn comes and the tog has the balls to bitch that no one had warned him he was going to have to figure out how to airbrush a fat guy. Matt bites down on his lip and apparently that's the right move because he has to do it from forty fucking angles in three different outfits. The whole time he has to put up with their fucking eyes looking him over and ripping into everything that doesn't seem man enough to them. When one of the assistants has the nerve to try and physically move him into position, he growls at her.

They all have to change for the group shots and by this point the five of them just say fuck it and strip down right there in front of the racks.

"Hey, Ash," he asks while he shucks the cut off jeans for some Hugo Boss bullshit.

"Yeah?" She trading the bikini top for a halter and Matt's just glad Ashlee hasn't had to take off her bra like Vicky did.

Matt asks carefully, "So uh, are all photo shoots with guys like this?"

Ashlee's grey eyes look at him deep with sorrow. "Sometimes," she says in a tight voice. "...sometimes it's a lot worse. If you're really lucky it's better."

They line up for the guy the way they always organize themselves with Pete wants them to take a group shot. Matt on the far right with his elbow resting on Vicky's shoulder. Vicky's got one hand tucked into Ashlee's jeans pocket and the other hooked into the waistband of Matt's slacks. Ashlee's blowing kisses to the camera and laughing at a joke Maja's whispering in her ear. Jamia's exchanging a look with Matt, and he can't help but let out a huge bear laugh because, fuck, Jamia's telling him with her face that their bandmates are the biggest fucking dorks in the world.

"I need all of you to cluster around Matt," the photographer snaps, breaking the easy mood the five of them had carved out for themselves.

Matt stares at him like he's an idiot because thing guy? Has to be. "I'm the drummer," he says.

"I'm the photographer," he sneers back. "I know what works and no one pays attention to the front man if there's a guy in the background. Your hands are the only thing big enough that can cover the brunette's fat rolls."

Matt's vision goes red but before he can do anything, Maja's already punched the guy in the face. Twice.

"Fuck this," Vicky says heatedly. "I'm calling on Walker. Let's go guys."

Jamia spits at Chris on her way out. His assistants don't even want for them to change out of their clothes, they just shove bundles of the clothes the five of them walking in wearing at them. The photographer follows them all the way out the door and calls security while they get in the car. The drive out of the lot is a lot faster than the drive in.

 

***

 

It's a fucking hour drive out to Ashlee's place so Vicky calls Jon on speaker phone. She's sitting in the middle of the back seat and Matt's got his face pressed against the glass. His roots are showing pretty badly. Maybe he'll bleach 'em out again.

The phone rings three times when the guy answers it. There's screaming in the background and he can hear a bunch of people bitching him out for answering the phone, one angry monotone voice yelling, "Are you kidding me?" with another man's voice sounding delighted and scandalized, "Jon Walker you did not just answer that phone."

Jamia groans, twisting in her seat to stare at the phone. "Great," she says. "He's at a party."

"Hi, Jon here." The guy's voice is mellow, easy going. He sounds kinda like Matt's foster father and it's weird as hell to hear Don Way's voice twin talk like a decent human being.

Vicky tucks a lock of hair behind her ear and puts the phone of the weird armrest thing between the front driver and passenger seats. She says, "Hey JWalk, Vicky-T here. You are on speaker phone and I need your help."

There's some more screaming in the background. Jon's voice comes in apologetic, "You're kind of on speaker phone too. Sorry about that. How can I help?"

The angry monotone squawks in the background, "Are you actually taking the call?"

Vicky smiles at the phone, making Matt snort. Seriously, this chick. "Did you hear about my side project band?"

"Oh, that crazy band Pete can't stop blogging about? Nah. Never heard of you guys." More screaming. Matt's not sure whether he should be envious or fucking annoyed. The day never ends.

"Our photographer was a complete dick. We'd really appreciate it if you could find time to take our pictures yourself. Pete said he'd work with us on picking a Decaydance photographer if the Kanye West guy didn't work out," Vicky's fingers twitch. "Ashlee, mind if I smoke in the car?"

"Uh, what? Oh, yeah, sure."

Matt leans forward and sure enough, Ashlee has her Sidekick perched on the dash to text at the red lights. Ash is gonna get herself killed one of these days cause of her fucking Wentz co-dependency.

One of the other background voices suddenly comes in almost as loud as Jon. The young voice is rough at the edges, "Vicky-T, is that your band in there with you?"

Vicky pulls the unlit cigarette back out of her mouth. "Damn right it is, Brendon."

Jamia tosses her head against the car seat and laughs. "Jamia Nestor, reporting for duty."

Maja speaks up from her corner, laying her accent extra thick, "Maja Ivarsson. Help us Jon Walker, you're our only hope."

Brendon laughs right over the background screams. "Girl band does Star Wars! Pete didn't tell me you guys liked Star Wars."

Matt growls from his corner. "Hi. Matt Pelissier. Drummer. Male drummer."

Monotone voice cuts in, "You sound like delicate flowers. Can we get back to work."

"Oh my god, Ryan Ross! Are you in the middle of a concert?" Ashlee stares at the phone in absolute horror.

The screams in the background are a better confirmation that a sheepish Jon Walker's comment of, "Well, yeah..."

Matt stares at the phone. Dude must have been stoned out of his fucking mind to answer a phone in the middle of a song. He's never heard of any musician actually answering his phone during a concert, let alone hearing the phone or fuck, how well his bandmates would take it. He's also kind of impressed Jon Walker has the balls to answer and stay on the phone.

"You guys called in between our set list. I can call you back in a couple minutes to confirm if that's cool," Jon says and before the dial tones comes in, Matt hears the Brendom guy dedicate the song 'She's a Handsome Woman' to We Haven't Decided Yet. Vicky turns off her cell phone and the silence in the car is louder than anything.

Matt mutters, "Ryan Ross is a handsome woman," and it's loud enough in the silence to make the girls burst into laughter.

Maja's phone rings. She answers, fumbling for it as fast as possible. Matt raises an eyebrow in her direction. Maja has this obsession with never answering the phone when someone else is in the room, so Matt finds in more than a little suspicious. The entire ensuing conversation's in Swedish and she does not look happy.

Finally she hangs up the phone just as Ashlee pulls up to her security gate. She's shaking a little. Vicky tries to be concerned but Maja just shrugs her off with a quiet, "I'll be fine."

Matt hangs back a little and grabs Maja by the elbow before they go back into the house. "Go drinking with me?"

She smiles at him, wide and sad. "Let me get changed."

 

***

 

Matt warns Ash that they're going out and once she changes into one of her stage outfits for The Sounds - Matt didn't even know she packed those clothes - he takes her to the trashiest dive he can think of.

It's a craphole full of bikers, but there's a pool table, a juke box, and a bar. Matt orders water and let's her drink herself under the table. She's quiet the entire time, blue eyes cold and hurting whenever he looks in them. It's only when he's helping her get back into the car that she even says anything.

"I think Frieda is going to leave me," she says before he starts the car, and she throws her arms around his shoulders and cries into his neck. Matt looks up at the roof of his car and thinks _Mikey would know what to do_. Then, _fuck Mikey_. Then, _fucking Mikey_. Then, _fucking Way brothers fucking - my fucking life! Christ,_ he thinks, _I've fucked up my **life**._

He finds himself crying on her just as much as she is on him. She passes out on him after a few minutes and he rearranges her back into the passenger side seat, window open because he's borrowed Ashlee's car and he's not sure if she likes him well enough to forgive and forget bar vomit.

The house is pretty quiet when he makes it back. He talks one of the night security guards into helping him carry Maja into the house and into Matt's bed. He would have driven her home if he had any clue where the hell the girlfr- Frieda lives. He's not ready to go to sleep yet so he puts in Season two of Gilmore Girls into the DVD player and curls up on the living room chair.

 

***

 

His phone goes off at four thirty in the fucking morning and it's a Jersey number. He answers, expecting it to be one of the Mean Reds' kids needing to bitch about the production schedule but it freaks him the fuck out when he hears Frank's voice in his ear.

"Why the fuck is your signature on Skeleton Crew papers, Otter?" he demands. Matt sits up on the couch and tries to shake off the worst of the sleepiness.

He's going to fucking kill Jamia. "Didn't Jamia tell you she was hiring an assistant?"

"Yeah, she said she found so- No.... No. Fucking. Way." Frank hisses and the line goes dead.

Matt tries go go back to sleep. If Frank hadn't woken him up at as o clock he would have called her and given her a heads up, but seriously, this was fucking ridic.

The phone rings again. It's Frank.

"What the fuck is your problem?" Frank yells.

Matt growls. "Me? What's my problem? I'm not the asshole making phone calls at 2 fucking AM."

"You fuck with my band, steal my wife, and now you're working your way in on my fucking business? No, man. Explain yourself right now before I go down to L.A. and break your fucking face off!"

Matt not sure which part of Frankie's statement gets him angri- Yeah no, he knows. It's the band comment. It's Jamia being called his wife when he knows she is so much better than that shit and it's the insinuation that Matt's plotting against Frankie because, what the hell, he's got better things to do, but the thing that really pushes Matt's button? My. Chemical. Romance.

"Gerard was drinking himself to death, Mikey's mental problems had him barely functioning at a level higher than robot, and you thought I could keep my shit together and stay calm when I have to watch my brothers kill themselves in front of me? Fuck you, Iero. Fuck. You. I don't live my life like that and I can't play my music like that. No, no, you don't get to act as if I wanted to fuck up My Chem. You don't get to act like I wasn't kicked out on my ass and you guys were petty enough fucks to change the goddamned locks on me." One of the lights in the hallways turns on and Matt figures out that he's fucking woken up one of the girls. Shit. Motherfucking shit.

"You asshole, you were just using them the whole time," Frank accuses. "You couldn't be mature and use the fucking click track like Ray wanted you to. You could have given it a shot."

Matt snarls, "I shouldn't have to give it a shot, it was my fucking band from the beginning. I was there before Ray Toro and shouldn't have to put up with him telling me what to do, with my goddamned drums. Oh hell no. I worked just as hard as anyone else. If anything, they were using me until they could get their precious fucking Bryar."

A body stands at the head of the stairs at the end of the hallway. The hair on the back of his neck stands on end for a moment before he recognizes the silhouette as Victoria.

"The two of them can't even bare to have someone mention your name," Frank snaps back. "You may have started this with Gee and Mikey but they don't want to have anything to do with you now.

"They should feel like shit," Matt says coldly. "They were supposed to be family." Then, "Take a look at the work I've signed off on for Skeleton Crew and then call me back. There isn't a single decision I made that you wouldn't have made yourself, Iero. Don't fucking call me about My Chem again unless it's to apologize for being a fucking shit." Matt hangs up and chucks the phone at the recliner next to him.

Vicky heads towards him quickly. She doesn't say anything right away, just slinks into to space to his right like she'd always belonged there. Matt tries to brace himself for whatever pitying comment she was going to pull on him. "Are you watching Gilmore Girls?" She sounds so disappointed in him, Matt laughs.

Matt just laughs until he shakes from... from something he doesn't want to think about. "You have to pinkie swear not to tell anyone," he tells her once he pulls himself together and holds out his pinkie.

"Oh no, I'm telling everyone. Raise the volume, Rory's the shit." Matt passes her the remotes.

"It was mine. I met up with Gee in a bar after 9/11. We started talking about forming a band, so we found Ray and then Mikey learned bass to be in the band with us. It was supposed to be us." Matt doesn't even mean to say it. The words just slip out. Vicky pats his leg above the knee and turns up the volume on the television.

He can still remember Mikey's stupid haircut on the day they told him he could be in the band. Fluffed and bleached out. Normally when he remembers Mikey, he has the image in his head of the tiny nine year old boy handing him a pair of glittering purple drumsticks.

Matt falls asleep next to Vicky before the episode finishes. Vicky doesn't even mock him for it in the morning.

 

***

 

_...that last email was a joke, right? You do know Bill has permission to make out with whoever he wants. It's not even a secret. So long as he's on tour, it doesn't count as cheating. Stop freaking. If anything, I'm a little jealous Bill got to you first. Gwen loved the blanket you set her. That's what the attachment is, a picture of Gwen with her new 'banky'_

_Don't be weird about this Matt. I mean it. We should get together and talk soon. xoxo christine_

Matt stares at the email. The last time he sent anything to Christine was a week ago asking for Bill advice. He feels like there's some information here that he's missing. He logs out of his email without sending a reply. Bill hasn't called since they made out either.

Hemingway butts his head against Matt's knee. "Pete, are you ever going home?" he yells.

"Depends, you gonna stop leaving your cell phone in cereal boxes when you don't want to receive calls?"

"Yeah, yeah, fuck you too." Matt pets Hemingway absentmindedly. If Ash doesn't care about Pete moving into the downstairs bathroom, then Matt won't either.

 

***

 

Jon calls Vicky back and on a three way call with Pete, Vicky and Matt they manage to negotiate what Matt's sure this the best deal they could ever get. In exchange for a standard fee and development charges, the band has to open for Panic! at the Disco and The Academy Is... on their L.A. tour date. Even though they have a tour booked, the band has yet to perform live ever.

They still can't even decide if they are keeping that ridiculous band name or switching it out for something new.

Matt's a little worried about the TAI guys giving him crap about Bill. He's seen them tease the groupies that slink out of Bill's bunk in the morning and he doesn't want to have to go through that when nothing's happened.

Either way, it's a fantastic deal and there's a lot of excitement about the live gig and the photo shoot. Pete can't stop apologizing enough for how idiotic the first photographer was, so he even gets FBR to pony up for new clothes. Jon has everyone email him their measurement so when he does show up for the shoot, he's got an entire set of clothes for their group shots.

 

***

 

Matt wasn't sure what he was expecting by the clothes, but this wasn't it.

"Von Trapp family goes to the beach?" Vicky says skeptically when everyone assembles in the living room to travel over to the set.

Jon smiles at them. "That's the plan."

Matt likes Jon Walker from the moment they met. He's just as chill in person as he is over the phone. Plus, seeing the voice come from a person makes him stop associating it with his foster Dad because seriously, that's fucked up shit right there.

He even includes flip flops for everyone in their outfits. Sporty looking gators for Maja, day glow pink for Vicky, art deco blue prints for Ashlee, soft brown velvet for Jamia, and Hello Kitty for Matt because Jon Walker is a crazy fuck under all that mellow. Matt respects that. Not enough to wear them on the ride over though.

The beach shoot is easy the most fun Matt had in weeks. They all play beach volleyball while Vicky covers herself in tanning oils and lazes about. After the game, there's a lazy kind of picnic and then Ashlee ends up swimming into a crowd of teeny bopper fans. They all play Red Rover together. Matt vetoes Red Rover to tan next to Vicky on the beach towels.

He's only a little surprised when Frank calls him. He's accepted the fact that life refuses to let him be happy without trying to ruin it. Not that he learned a valuable life lesson or anything watching soaps with Ash, but he does understand that Karma is a fucked up bitch and he might as well roll with it.

"You calling to apologize?" Matt asks when he answers the phone.

Vicky looks at him sharply and mouths, "Is that Frank?" Matt nods at her. 'Make him pay'

Matt shrugs at her, biting his lip to keep from laughing. "I tried to talk to Gee but the asshole wouldn't say anything. So I tried Mikey but he said he’d shove my face in his pit if I didn't leave him alone. So I called Donna," Frank says on the line.

Matt sits up on his towel. A chill runs through him. "You called Mama Way."

"She told me everything including the shit about Pat. When your boyfriend dies, you can tell your bandmates. We would have cut you more slack, Otter. Donna also says to stop being a pussy bitch and call her more often. I'm paraphrasing, fuckface."

Matt makes a face. If Frank's paraphrasing, he's not doing it very well. It sounds like something Donna would say. "Stop calling me Otter. It's Matt now."

"Just because I believe your story, doesn't mean we're friends, motherfucker." Dial tone follows. Matt can't help himself from grinning. Frank's such a bastard, he thinks affectionately.

Vicky kicks him in the ankle. "Where did that nickname come from?"

He considers telling her that he doesn't remember but Ashlee told the rest of them about his time in foster care. There's no point in pretending he doesn't know the story since he kind of likes it. Matt shrugs. "First night I was with the Ways I was really hungry. I didn't eat dinner before I left and the Ways already ate when I showed up. They weren't expecting me yet. Didn't want to ask Donna for food, so I stole a some clams she was marinading. She found me in the basement, smashing then open with a wrench. She's the one who started it and it kind of stuck."

Vicky leans over and ruffles his hair. "Dweeb. We should get everyone together for ice cream."

They walk down the boardwalk together and no one recognizes them. Ashlee dyed her hair red right before the photo shoot. Without sunglasses and a giant hat, there's nothing that says "Celebrity in Stealth Mode" to the locals. Jon Walker gets more recognition than any of them, to his complete embarrassment. Matt teases the shit out of him each time it happens. The ice cream parlor is busy but no one seems to mind their impromptu ice cream fight.

It's a good day.

 

***

 

Matt's nervous as high holy hell about their first performance. They all are, but Matt especially because one, their first tour is going to be with Panic at the Disco and he really doesn't want to give them a shitty expression, two, it's their first live concert, and three, Bill Beckett's going to be there and he knows what that guy's O-Face looks like. That face is still up there in his spank bank no matter how hard he tries to repress.

They talk Ashlee's security into helping them load the rental van. Matt's too nervous to load in his kit without constantly needing to rearrange boxes. Josh finally gives him some string and orders him to sit shotgun and work on cat's cradle. Matt scowls on the whole drive over but at least he's not as bad off as Maja who spends part of the drive arguing with Jesper about a new song The Sounds are working on and half arguing with Frieda.

Ashlee sits in the backseat and texts. Constantly. If he put a beanie on her head, Matt could easily mistake her for Mikey out of the corner of his eye. Victoria's the only one of them that has her shit together so she drives. Even Jamia has bags under her eyes and a scowl almost as nasty as Matt's.

"Trouble in Paradise?" Matt sneers.

Jamia sends him a spiteful look. "Oh fuck you. Frank's still being an obnoxious shit about you and I don't need crap from you, too. Don't be a dick, Otter."

"It's Matt," he snaps back, and Vicky has to pull over the car until they promise to stop glaring at each other.

The venue is big. Bigger than Matt would have guessed would be their first gig. They don't have much trouble pulling up into the loading dock and moving their equipment until Jon walks up with a few techs to take it over from here. This place has a green room and Jon takes them to it, bringing them into a room with three of the tiniest boys Matt's seen since Frank Iero.

There's a Playstation two set up on the floor in a corner and that's where two of them are, playing with their backs when they walk in. There's a scrawny kid in a corner, carefully drawing make up in the mirror.

"Hey guys. Brendon, Ryan, Spencer, the new openers are here" says Jon.

The short haired kid on the Playstation turns around first, eyes rounding out like a cartoon character and he says in a rush under his breath, "Oh my god I'm in a room with Ashlee Simpson."

Ashlee beams and waves at him and he blushes and springs to his feet. "Can we, pretend I didn't say that outloud? I love your hair and your voice and your everything! I'm Brendon Urie," he babbles. "I, uh, I sing?"

Ashlee tugs on Vicky's sleeve. "He's cute. I want one," she says. "He could play with Hemmingway and Pete. I bet he'd be adorable with squeaky toys."

"Spencer Smith! Ashlee Simpson says I am adorable. I told you they'd like us!" He pulls the other gamer up to his feet. Spencer’s a tall guy compared to the other two, but even he's kind of small in st-

Woah, hips.

Matt ogles discreetly until Maja jams an elbow into his ribs. "We really appreciate being invited to open for you," Maja tells them politely. Now that she's in the venue, Maja looks delighted. Alive in a way Matt hasn't seen her look since they were in the van. She's more like Bert and Jepha than he realized, not really being whole unless she's making music.

The third one, Ryan, doesn't even turn around, looking at them from the corner of his eyes in the mirror. Matt doesn't like the expression on his face, like he's measure all five of them in a moment and found nothing worth his time. "That was Pete and Jon. We didn't invite anyone out here," Ryan says, voice cold and monotone. _Well, fuck you Ross_ , Matt thinks, clenching and uncleching his fists.

Matt knows if he stays in there for a second longer, he's going to take that reedy kid and decorate his face with his fist. Matt take a deep breath before turning about and walking out. He hears someone call him name, and then murmuring before the door shuts behind him.

He manages to get ten feet before he walks into Chiz.

"Woah, Matt! Good to see you, man. Hugh Heffner?" Chiz says, wagging his eyebrows suggestively. Matt groans and then lets out a soft laugh, shrugging.

"Come on, TAI has a cool ass dressing room and William's being a total diva about finding the right scrap of fabric to go round his knee," Chiz leads the way with one hand on Matt's shoulder.

 

***

 

Matt stomach does flips all the way into the TAI dressing room, where Bill's bent over a suitcase and sending clothes flying in every direction. Bill looks fantastic. He's shirtless, skinny jeans showing off the slight curve of his ass. His arms and chest are tanned where the shirts he wears leave his skin exposed. His hair's lightened from the sun exposure and his pout is one of the cutest things Matt's seen since Pat's first miniskirt, ninth grade. _Bill_ , he thinks, _could totally rock a mini skirt._

The Butcher looks up from his game boy and lets out a loud whoop. "Boys, we've got a repeat offender! Matt P. is in the house!" Sisky is suddenly right in front of him, clambering for a high five and Mike grabs Matt’s head and forces him to bend just low enough for Mike to head butt him.

Then Matt sees the guys get shoves out of the way and Bill's there, throwing his gangly arms all around Matt. He hears a squeak somewhere behind him in Bill's voice and he grins. Bill holds him out at an arm’s length and looks at him intensely.

"Oh Mattie, you don't call, you don't text-" Matt shrugs but Bill keeps talking, "You've lived through a round of TAI Truth or Dare, so you and I are practically blood brothers. Have you met the Panic Boys yet?"

Matt can't help it, he scowls and mutters, "Fucking Ryan Ross." It's enough to make the Butcher laugh and slap his back.

 

***

 

They hang out for an hour. The butterflies calm down while he's there at least until Bill smiles at him. Matt excuses himself to go find his band and he feels Bill grabs his shoulder right after he leaves the dressing room. He tries not to think about how he bothered to remember what Bill's hand feels like when he turns around.

"Is this the part where you ask me not to be awkward because it was a one time thing? Christine says I shouldn't be awkward. 'Cause I'm not being awkward, not like Ashlee's awkward or something. Everyone knew when she made up with Wentz and that was awkward but this uh, this isn't awkward. Except for the part where I am. Um, Awkward." Matt feels like kicking himself right now.

Bill smirks at him, "No. I was going to tell you that your band is in room 3 because Jamia just texted me." Bill laughs at him.

Matt's not sure how he knows he's being laughed at and not laughed with, but he knows. Oh, does he know.

"Please, Matt. The first time was hot because you obviously hadn't done that before, but I'm not interested in fooling around with a guy who can't even handle advanced gay sex, let alone having meaningless sex with his friends" Bill says, smug enough for Matt to do something stupid.

"I can handle it," he says before he can stop himself. This is why things always have to happen to Matthew "Otter" Pelissier. His goddamned fucking mouth.

Bill tilts his head to the side an gives him a disbelieving look. Matt scowls at him, but Bill just scoffs. "Uh huh. Right. You,"

Matt's mouth goes dry but he nods. Bill looks at him carefully but his eyes widen in surprise when he finally, fucking finally reads whatever's on Matt's face.

Bill leads him through a vaguely familiar looking maze of tiny hallways to a wheelchair access bathroom. It locks from the inside and Matt's regretting opening his stupid mouth because he hasn't done anything other than google the phrase gay sex and maybe try to watch a porno vid. It occurs to him, sometime while Bill is stripping him down, that he really hasn't thought this thru.

He manages all right during the part where his hands are on Bill's hips and he has Mr. Slinky himself pinned against the sink, but the minute Bill stops nibbling on his ear to say, "The lube and condoms are in my right pocket," Matt has a a moment of panic that burns out his memory.

The lube's a travel size lube and the condom is a larger size than Matt uses, but he feels like a twelve year old idiot when he looks at the items at in his hands, then at Bill's eager face, then back at the lube.

"Umm, don't take this the wrong way, but do you come with Google Maps?"

Bill's eyes bug out for a moment and then he starts laughing. "You- you-" Bill holds on to the edges of the sink to keep from falling over while he laughs. "You are the stupidest, sexiest...Just follow my directions." He turns his back to Matt, holding the sink on either side, but Matt can see him smiling in between giggles. "Idiot," Bill says and Matt doesn't really mind because, well, he kind of is but it's okay when Bill says it.

Matt kisses Bill shoulder blade in apology and meets Bill's eyes in the mirror. Bill's smile calms down most of his initial panic.

"Stretch me first with your fingers and plenty of lube," Bill says n a calm voice. "You do know where to put them, right?" Bill's eyes are dancing with humor and Matt can't help but try to smile and scowl at the same time.

"Asshole," Matt says accusingly, but it always sends Bill into another giggle fit. Bill pulls off his jeans. Matt's never been into the commando thing but he's kind of amazed at Bill. He always found dick on denim kind of uncomfortable. Matt runs the tips of his fingers along the side of Bill's thigh. "I'm kind of surprised you don't shave or wax or something."

Bill gives him a cool look. "No, I don't." Matt shrugs. He shoves his jeans and boxers around his ankles and kicks them off. There isn't really enough time to do the full naked thing. Bill unbuttons his shirt to Matt's happy surprise. Nice.

Matt spits in his hand, wrapping it around Bill's cock. Bill whines high in the back of his throat and leans in closer. Matt tightens his grip when Bill's hips start thrusting.

It's weird to hear another dude make sounds like that and not have it be porn. Beckett whimpers into Matt's neck, and it's pretty fucking hot. “Christ Bill,” Matt sighs, feeling teeth scrape against his pulse. Bill's groaning soft at the back of his throat.

Matt has to grab Bill's hips on either side just to try and get Bill to settle down. "Turn around, please," Matt asks.

Bill over the sink, giving Matt a better angle to work with. He's done anal before with Caroline so it's not total undiscovered country but Bill's bored sounding instructions make him feel like he's never done anything like this before.

"Crook your fingers," Bill tells him. "No, the other wa-" Matt looks into the mirror when he hears Bill cut himself off. The expression that meets him is familiar.

Okay, prostate. Found. Check.

He moves his fingers slowly and stiffly, making sure to press against the area with each shallow thrust. Bill goes from a slightly annoyed but pleased expression to the blissed out, relaxed look Matt can't get out of his head. It's better than he remembers.

"In- Inside me," Bill whimpers. Matt can see him bit his bottom lip in the mirror, eyes unfocused.

Matt's not one to argue with a hot, horny dude wanting his cock. He lines up the head of his dick and thrusts slowly. Bill is warm, Christ, so fucking warm and bony and Matt loves the way Bill gasps for breath when he gets the angle right. Matt rolls his hips once, twice before settling into a steady thrust. He can barely keep his shit together with the sounds Bill makes.

Bill scrambles to a better grip around the sink. Matt stops moving long enough to wrap one hand over Bill's cock. He pumps his hand slowly, watching Bill try to catch his composure in the mirror. Bill curses at him until Matt starts to do both. Bill's eyes are closed when he comes with a shudder. Matt pulls out, jerking himself off in the sink. He doesn't know what the gay sex etiquette calls for but he figures you can never go wrong with pulling out.

Bill swears. "Shit, check your watch. Don't you have sound check soon?"

Matt glances at his wrist. "Fuck, yeah. I have to take off." Matt's scrambling to pick up his clothes off the ground and put them on at the same time. Bill makes a disgusted noise and Matt realized he shoved the used condom in Bill’s hand without tying a knot. "Sorry." He chucks the condom and tries to fix his hair in the mirror.

Bill makes an exasperated sound that rips at Matt's heart a little.

"What?" Matt asks.

Bill leans close to comb his fingers through Matt's hair, studying his face carefully. "On a scale of one to ten, I rate your skill in sex six, but your after glow skills? Two."

Matt shrugs. Bill's fingers in his hair make him feel calmer. "I can work on the two."

Bill's eyes soften. "Good for you Mattie. Now, go be a rock star." Matt catches Bill's eyes. They look unhappy, like there's something important Bill's missing about this picture. Matt reaches to touch Bill, but BIll panics, picking up Matt's clothes and shoving them in him arms. He pushes Matt half dressed out the bathroom door and locks it shut.

"Fuck," Matt mutters, kicking the hallway wall. "Fucking fuck."

Matt wanders for about eight minutes before he can find someone to give him directions. Jamia looks relieved when he finally tracks them down. Maja, on the other hand, looks five seconds away from shanking him.

"Next time you're late to a concert, I'll let Vicky hand out your personal phone number to fans," she snaps, and Vicky gives him a cruel smile from behind Maja's shoulder.

Sound check goes by really quickly, and when they go up there on the stage to perform for real, Matt feels calm and completely sure of himself.

Ashlee grins out at the crowd filling the seats in the venue. "Welcome to the first performance of We Haven't Decided Yet Band!" she screams into the microphone. Then she throws a fist in the air, the signal to start playing "Necromiconventional." The expressions of kids in the audience go from vague interest to awe. Matt hadn't imagined their reception would be so great, but after all it's a TAI and Panic! at the Disco concert, so these kids must have some unusual taste in music.

They're allowed 25 minutes of stage time. Somehow they manage "Mismatchmaker," "Rosemary's Teenager," "Inside Man," and "1776" in addition their opener. It's a total rush, and the kids cheer like crazy. At the end of “1776,” Maja is so into it, she dives into the audience. Matt has to dig her out of the crowd.

Ashlee's practically vibrating. "Did you guys hear that? We were... Oh my god! We were..."

"Yeah," Vicky repeats to every unfinished sentence of Ashlee's. "Yeah."

Matt can't stop laughing. He knows he looks like a demented fool, but he can't help himself. Brendon and Jon from Panic! at the Disco are waiting for them in the wings after they stumble off stage. They are excited, almost as excited as the girls.

"Your sound is awesome!" Brendon says in delight, throwing his arms around Matt. "I don't care if you smoosh me for this, but you have to sign a copy of your CD for me when it comes out."

It turns out their album is to be released the same day they play their first concert. As far as Matt's concerned, this is awesome. It means protection from speculatory album reviews and interviews. It also means that the few interviews they will do are going to be a pain in the ass.

"Smoosh you?" Matt ruffles the kid's hair and thinks he understands now what Ashlee sees in him. "Nah, I can't smoosh you to death. Ash would kill me. She likes you guys."

At that, Brendon disengages immediately and hugs Ashlee instead, and suddenly Matt finds himself with an armful of Jon Walker.

Huh. Good hugger.

Jon gives him a gentle smile under all the scruff and then takes Brendon back to find his band.

"Matt, we're really going to make it," Jamia says to him, stunned. Matt's known from his drumsticks down to his bones since the first time he heard 1776 that theirs was more than a side project, but Jamia's just now beginning to realize how huge their band has grown. They have so much potential. Matt shrugs.

Jamia grins at him, his only warning. Ashlee nearly bowls him over with another hug. Matt rubs his nose against hers, cracking a smile.

Wrapped in Ashlee's arms like this, with Jaima still grinning beside them and Maja and Vicky not three feet away, Matt feels like he's finally come home.

He feels a tap on his shoulder. He looks over his shoulder once, then does a double take.

"I like your band," says Christine. She's wearing pink and grey stripped arm and leg warmers with a dark blue dress. Her eyes are bright and friendly. She holds her arms out, nervous smile ready. "Can I get a hug?"

Matt lets go of Ashlee so fast the blond girl stumbles. Chistine is soft, warm, familiar like Christmas in his arms. "What are you doing here? How did you get past security? Missed you. You should just quit school and paint out of our tour bus. Guys, you should just go back to the van ahead of me, I'll catch up." Jasmia waves him off but the girls head towards the exit.

Christine laughs, pressing a kiss to the corner of his mouth. "Mom's taking care of Gwen. I am enjoying a mini vacation to visit my husband. I dug out my wedding ring to surprise him, see?"

Married? She never told him she was married. Sure, there are jokes about being part of the Beckett harem but she's never mentioned being married by Gwen's father. Before Matt can ask any questions, he hears a delighted shriek from backstage.

Bill in all his hippy stage clothes glory runs straight over to Christine, dipping her down into a movie picture kiss. Matt feels sick. "I should, go catch up with my band." Matt catches a glimpse of hurt looks from both Becketts but he can't stand there. He can't- He can't- He just can't.

The van is sitting outside the loading dock. He takes a quick moment to make sure his drums are inside before hopping in.

He has the backseat next to Maja with Vicky on the other side. He lunges back Maja to grab Vicky's shoulders. it's cramped and uncomfortable, but it feels urgent. "Vicky, you have to let me house sit for you on the Cobra Tour."

Vicky gives him an incredulous look. "...fine. Is there something you want to talk about?"

"Not now. Maybe tomorrow. Thanks." He slumps back against the seat. Sometimes Matt can't believe he's this _stupid_. He really should have known he better than to think he could catch a break.


	3. III. Maja

After the show, Maja drives immediately to Ashlee's house, climbs into Vicky's bed and falls asleep with her shoes on. She would have spent the night at Frieda's, but the drive would have taken a torturous twenty five extra minutes, and she's not sure she wouldn't have fallen asleep at the wheel.

She dreams that she's in her bunk on the tour bus, napping.  It's incredibly restful, if somewhat disorienting when she wakes up to a room decorated with ceramic kittens and pictures of Gizmo, Vicky's pomeranian. 

She sneaks out while everyone's soothing their hangovers with breakfast.  She'll miss Pete's pathetic excuse for cooking, but things are difficult enough with her girlfriend as it is.

When Maja pulls up to Frieda's apartment, hers is the only car parked on the curb.  The apartment is empty inside, Maja's "I'm home," echoes through their cramped quarters. 

Officially, Maja is homeless.  She has a duffel bag full of clothes and a case with two guitars inside.  She keeps a picture of Frieda in the compartment for her picks.  That's all she needs.  Unofficially, she lives in Johan's condo when she's on the East Coast in a room full of Johan's bass guitars and in Frieda's apartment in the East Coast.  Frieda's parents, Hiroka and Ilyana Sato, pay for the apartment while Frieda goes to college at UCLA.  Their apartment is Maja's favorite place after the Sounds tour bus.

The apartment smells like Lysol, jasmine and bamboo. In the bathroom, crammed between the bathtub and the wall, there is a huge pot that is little more than a forest of bamboo and jasmine. It creeps along the edges of the ceiling.  The smell is strong enough to fill every room and attach itself to all of their clothing.  There is a large bedroom, a bathroom, a living room with a card table that doubles as their dinner table, and a kitchen full of leftovers: teriyaki, natto and the herring cakes from last week's dinner.  Full enough that Maja doesn't feel guilty about spending most of the day packing instead of cooking a full course meal for them both. Eventually, she microwaves some teriyaki for lunch.

 

***

 

Frieda drops her briefcase on the hall table when she finally comes home.  It's that noise that alerts Maja, turning towards the door from where she is setting down silverware.  Maja has always found Frieda to be one of the most beautiful girls she has ever met.  Black hair and pale blue eyes that make Maja's heart soar like the sky when she sees them. 

Frieda looks unhappy to see her, and Maja, replaying their last conversation in her head, suddenly thinks it might not have been the best idea to spend her last day here.

"What are you doing here?"  Frieda sounds confused.  She looks tired and flustered in her suit. Maja can feel another argument looming on the horizon.  All they ever seem to do lately is argue.  Frieda doesn't even look pleased, just tired at the sight of Maja. "I thought you left yesterday."

"I came back," Maja says, "because I do not leave for the tour until tomorrow.  I want to spent every last minute of my free time with you." It's not true, but she feels like it should be true.

Frieda's eyes dart to the set table and she flinches. "Christ, Maja.  You cooked all this?  A Six course meal for two people.  Why would you think of making this much.  Half of it's going to rot in in the fridge."  She fingers pull at the edges of her hair. "Sometimes I can't tell if you love me, or if you're in love with the idea of playing house," Frieda mutters.

Maja takes a step back as if she has been slapped in the face. She can feel her eyes begin to water, but refuses to give Frieda the satisfaction of letting her see Maja's heart break.  "I love you," she says wearily.  "Can we please not do this?  Can we have one night without problems? Please?  It is going to be so long ..."

Frieda's head drops forward, shielding her eyes from Maja, and her voice is strained.  "Fine."

They eat dinner.  Maja puts the dishes in the dishwasher, while Frieda works on paperwork.  They do not talk.  When they go to bed, the sex is quiet and gentle.  It feels like saying "I'm sorry" or "I love you" or maybe "goodbye."  As they both drift off to sleep, tired, Maja thinks about how they first met.

The music in the dance club was loud.  Very loud.  Maja had only expected to find a distraction from her old boyfriend, someone to dance with.  Fredik was the designated driver among them, but Maja had no plans on letting him drive her home.  When she caught a glimpse of a figure in the crowd, neck arched beautifully, she found herself walking towards the girl.  When Maja caught a glimpse of her eyes, she was stupidly lost.  "I can see your soul in your eyes.  It is so lovely," she shouted in the girl's ear. 

The other girl laughed and introduced herself as Katerina. Maja went home with her instead of Fredik.  It took two months of falling in bed with each other before the girl confessed to giving a false name.  That's the moment Maja fell in love.

Maja falls asleep remembering those eyes and wakes up alone.

 

***

 

Maja is first on the bus, after the techs. She takes a top bunk and stows her  only bag under the bus. Maja has always lived with the belief that things will fall into place in their own time.  She told Pete a week ago that she wanted to room with We Haven't Decided yet for this tour, even if the (mostly) girl band was only opening for The Sounds.  She also calls Johan and makes it clear that the couch on the Sounds bus is hers when she gets sick of living in close space with women.  Maja is convinced that it is an inevitability.

Maja holes herself up in her bunk for a nap as everyone else embarks. By the time she comes out, the sun it setting. She can hear Jamia on the phone with Frank, saying softly, "Tell Mama I love her." A little further down the bus Ashlee is watching a movie out on the couch with the techs.  _Such a couch potato, that girl._   Sometimes Maja despairs of Ashlee's homebody ways.

Maja considers curling up on the couch with them, especially when Ashlee emphatically waves her over, but she is not in the mood for Disney.  "Anderson's version is better," she mutters under her breath and  lies down on the ground, legs pressed up as if she's about to do a sit up. 

When she sees Matt get off the couch and step closer to her, she half hopes that Matt will kick her lightly and tell her not to be such a drama queen like Jasper would. 

Matt flops down on the ground next to her and sighs.  Maja scowls.  She should have known better.  For that Matthew's attempts to be nonchalant, he has never been any good at anything other than making himself miserable.

Still, being openly miserable is surprising enough that Maja can't help it.  She turns her head to arch an eyebrow in his direction.  Even after all they've been through together the past few months, Matthew is still an unsolved mystery. Vicky delights her by speaking with all of her body, Ashlee's thoughts are practically written in neon over her head, and Jamia does not hold back her opinions. 

Matthew, on the other hand, is a terrible mess of emotion and miscommunication.  One of his strangest habits, Maja thought, was the way he chose his words so carefully around the other band members, but would run say the foulest things to anyone else.

"One day I'll translate your secret, man language," she warns him. "Then where will you be?"  Matt shrugs, but he's smiling when he does it.  Maja laughs for the first time since they finished their album.

"I'll always be an enigma," Matt jokes. Maja can't help herself from grinning and shrugging in response.

Ashlee throws a pillow at Maja's head.  Maja has to pull some minor gymnastics to avoid it.  "Shhh," Ashlee hisses, "It's getting to the really good part."

By the time she glances back at Matt, he's studying her with serious eyes.  Slightly too somber for her to do anything other than feel great dread for whatever he will say next.

"What's it like to have a girlfriend?"  Maja looks at him incredulously, but he punches her arm and props himself on his side.  "You know what I mean."

She does not know right away what he means, but it does eventually dawn on her that he meant being in a homosexual relationship.  She thinks of how to tell him how they end up having vicious fights when their cycles align, and how it's easier to share her clothes, how some times they get terrible glares from some people and how sometimes when she hears her music in a gay bar, she wonders if they would even care to listen to her music twice if she were heterosexual.  She thinks of how to explain the frustrations that came finding out about hospital "Family Only" rules the hard way, when Frieda's appendix burst and she had to wait two days before Ilyana Sato managed to call Maja with an update from Sweden, even though Maja spent every moment in the hospital waiting room on Frieda's floor.

What she finally says is, "Frieda is such a wonderful person. I think of us as a couple first, and as a gay couple second. She is my heart, Matthew.  Sometimes it is difficult keeping my personal life a secret from the public, but love is so rewarding."  She makes her face smile and tries not to think about how it feels like lying.  "Why ask such a question?" she asks.

He shrugs and rolls over on to his back.  She reaches up to ruffles his hair and closes her eyes, listening carefully to the sound of singing mice.  With the amount of time he spends emailing William Beckett's wife, she can't help but worry about Matt.  Just a little.

 

***

 

Maja rolls out of her bunk in the morning and stand outside the tiny bathroom until Iqbal, guitar tech  extraordinaire as he keeps telling them, comes out.  She has to brush her teeth and wash her hair in the sink before she goes to breakfast.  It is a quirk of hers that she has no qualms maintaining.

Ashlee is sitting on the sofa in the front longue with faint bruises on her wrists, surrounded by the other band members.  Over by the sink, Jamia makes an ice pack out of a ziplock bag and paper towels, while a worried Matt hovers over Ashlee.  Vicky looks furious to the point of voicelessness.  Veronica, their driver, looks through the first aid box.  A familiar looking brunette boy and a frowning muscled man stand awkwardly in front of the bus door.  Maja feels like her heart is stopping.

"What happened?"  Maja is not sure how something could have happened in the first 24 hours of their tour, especially how it could have happened to Ashlee.

In response, Ashlee lets out a loud groan and slumps backwards.  Jamia places the completed icepack in Ashlee's outstretched hand.  When Ashlee puts her hand down to press the ice against her wrist, her shirt slides rather to the right, revealing her ripped sleeves and the gauze pad taped to her shoulder.

"This one," Jamia says, gesturing at Ashlee. "thought it would be fun to help Teddy set up the merch booth, since she's never done it before."

Maja puts her hand over her mouth when she feels her jaw drop.  She looks at Ashlee with mild horror.

"They recognized me," Ashlee says.  They being the fans.  "The crowd had... mixed reactions."

"That's putting it mildly.  Spencer helped me extricate her from the situation," says the tall man in the corner and Maja vaguely remembers his name.  _Zachary?  Zacharias?  The smaller one with the feminine face,_ she remembers, _is that darling boy Spencer from Panic! at the Disco._

"Thank you, again," Ashlee says earnestly.

Zach smiles easily.  "No problem.  I'm sorry Pete forgot to find you guys a handler."

Maja feels something akin to rage.  "I am going to rip out his teeth," she hisses in Swedish and Ashlee leans away from her looking vaguely afraid.  "They didn't find us a handler?  Ashlee, a woman famous enough on her own that she has to have a 24 hour security team at her home, didn't need a handler?  Peter will hear of my displeasure."

"I told him specifically not to get me one," Ashlee says, gingerly rolling her shoulder.

Jamia just moves into Maja's personal space, leaning close enough that the two of them see eye to eye.  She says, "Vicky's on the phone with FBR right now working something out.  Ashlee's not badly hurt, and this won't happen again.  Yeah, forgetting to book a handler is an oversight for the label but Ashlee should have known better than to go to the merch booth with only an eighteen year old for protection.  Yeah, it sucks that she's famous enough that some people don't see her as a regular person but that's the way it is.""

Maja spits out another curse in Swedish and pushes past Spencer and Zach to get off the bus.  She looks around until she recognizes the Sounds bus and storms over there. She's always been able to think better in her own bunk.

 

***

 

When she rushes into the familiar looking retro interior, Fredik and Johan look up from a card game they're playing on the floor.  Johan looks really concerned and upset, but Maja cannot deal with anyone else's emotions right now.  She squeezes past them, darts around Jesper when he pops out of the bathroom and opens the curtain to her bunk.  There is someone else’s belongings strewn over her bed, but she doesn't care.  She climbs in and closes the curtain after her.  She can hear the boys talking on the other side, but she can not bear to be near others.

Until now, Maja has never known real fame.  Maja has never been in a place where bodyguards are a necessity, and not an occasion nuisance provided by a venue.  As part of The Sounds, she's never dealt with truly crazed fans before, either.  For the most part, the fans she's used to interacting with are sweet people who know when to back off.

She hates the thought that this is her immediate future. She might need to keep one on The Sounds' crew if they gather enough attention.  That close a watch would make it nearly impossible to keep Frieda and their problems hidden. Maja needs her double life to keep her grounded. There's something in her that can't breathe at the thought of mixing her career and her private life.

She hides her face in her pillow until someone pulls back the curtain and lets the light in.  She squints. It's Felix, whose mouth is set in a firm line.

"Vicky called.  My advice is this: shit happens.  Suck it up and get out of your old bunk.  The merch kid's gonna cry if he's not allowed access to his hoodies."

Maja rolls over and stares the wall. The boxes of extra The Sounds merchandise stacked up against the wall stare back.  Sometimes she hates reasonable people.  "Those fans are insane, Felix."  She turns over to try and make him understand what it means to see coltish Ashlee so shaken.  "They hurt her."

Felix reaches into her bunk and starts pulling Maja out by the arms.  "You should have thought about that before signing on with Pete Wentz.  Maja Ivarsson, what were you thinking?  He sells packages, not music.  We sell music."  Being pulled out of her bunk by Felix is almost a daily event on The Sounds bus.  Maja doesn't fight it anymore, just remembers to push off the edge of her bunk with her feet so they won't slam against the ground or Felix.

Maja wriggles until she's standing up on her own, with Felix holding her arms tightly.  Her favorite kind of hug.  "You can let me go now," she says.

Felix whines low in the back of his throat, but he releases her.  She looks around the piles of clothes for a pair of her stage outfit heels, and has no luck.  Felix hovers while Maja checks Johan's bunk for his girlfriend Ilsa's shoes. Surely she wouldn't mind if Maja borrowed them.  "Aha!" Of course they're half a size too big, but they're wearable.

She wanders back into the front lounge, where the boys are still playing cards.  "Here comes the drama queen," mutters Jesper from the sofa.  Maja smiles at him and puts on the heels.  Fredik stand up and opens the fridge, searching through the contents with his eyes. Oh, such a genius, that boy.  "Pass me a beer, Fredik? Thanks."

Fredik startles at the sight of her heels.  "Don't you have sound check in twelve hours?  What could have possibly happened that makes you need the war shoes?"

"The beer, Fredik," Maja says, eyes narrowed.  Fredik looks around as if seeking support, but everyone's studiously looking away. Felix shakes his head.

Maja doesn't drink herself stupid, but she does nurse the beer far longer than strictly necessary.

 

***

 

Zach lets himself into The Sounds' bus exactly thirty minutes to sound check.  "Come on, hurry up. You're not the only band I need to escort backstage."  Maja puts down her empty bottle on the floor. She hasn't moved since she arrived.  Jesper looks more annoyed than concerned at this point.

She follows him back on to the girls' bus.  It feels unnatural to be on a cleaner bus, or at least a bus that doesn't have a dent in one of the cupboards from Fredik taking a dive during drunken twister, or smoke stains on the ceiling from when Travis talking everyone involved with Snakes on a Plane into hot box the Sound's bus or even being on a bus that doesn't smell like Axe, sweat, dirty socks, and stale beer.  Mostly, everything smelled like apple cinnamon potpourri on the We Haven't Decided Yet bus.  The bathroom door is open, and she can catch Jamia and Vicky's reflections in the mirror, Ashlee watching from the tiny slip of the doorway.  Matt sits in the font lounge, scowling when she opens the door, but that fades into a small smile when she steps on to the bus with Zach in tow.

"Did you hear we're going to dress in theme?  Ashlee and Vicky decided it, and Jamia thinks it'll be fun."  He glares in the direction of the bathroom then darts back to Maja.

"Oh, we are dressing in theme now?"  Maja doesn't mind the others making executive decisions about the band, but she does mind it when people interfere with her shoes.  She scouts out the others.  Vicky's in her strappy sandals, Ashlee's wearing character shoes, the sneakers on Jamia's feet are the battered white ones with phrases in sharpie, and Matt's steel bared boots are still in place.  Good signs.

Jamia snorts when she catches a glimpse of what Maja's doing.  "Don't even think about it.  We're wearing comfort shoes now and changing at the venue."  She slips out of the bathroom, leaving room for Ashlee to duck in.  She cups Maja's ear and whispered, "Ashlee's pretty shaken up about this morning.  Pete is stuck in meetings all day so Vicky, Matt and I figured letting her pick and design last minute stage clothes would cheer her up.  Zach took us shopping.  I'm not any happier about it that you are, but I tried to keep her from going too bubblegum.  Go with this, okay?"  Maja glances at Ashlee.  The smile Ashlee gives herself in the mirror doesn't reach her eyes.

Matt pulls his hands out of his hoodie pockets.  He's wearing fingerless lace gloves.  He says, "You don't even want to know what the shirt I'm wearing under this looks like."

Maja decides that she does, and tries to talk him out of his hoodie before Zach pointedly reminds her about getting dressed for sound check herself.  She peeks at the outfit in her bunk.  White lace blouse, shorts, and a necklace made of animal bones strung together. _Oh, Ashlee Nicole Simpson, **no**._

"Truly?  Lace?" she asks incredulously into the air.  No one answers her so she goes to her duffel to look for something suitable to wear. 

She sighs.  All her clothes, clean and dirty have disappeared.  By the way the blankets have been folded, it's Jamia who is to blame. 

"I hate lace," she mutters.  The high heeled shoes are Manolo Blahnik.  Something in her bones tells her she has Victoria to thank for that.  "I love you, Victoria," Maja yells.

"If you love me, you'll put the fucking clothes on."

 

***

 

They're opening, and it's their second show together, their first alone.  Maja feels ridiculous walking onstage in a Bowler hat, and that ridiculous lace outfit, but she got off easy compared to poor Matthew.  Maja would have to guess by the sheer amount of glee Vicky gives off that someone in taking video evidence.

The crowd is full of young people.  Not babes but children and older teenagers.  Their performance provokes shouts from the crowd, something she hasn't seen in a while.  She's too nervous to completely lose herself into the guitar line of "Zero Kelvin," so she's keeping an eye out to read the lips of audience members, every so often glancing at Ashlee to see how she's doing.

The slut comments she reads on their lips don't make Maja so much as blink.  More upsetting are the expressions of the disgust and annoyance she sees on a few people's faces.  For every thrilled looking teen, there seems to be a dozen who don't know what to make of them and a least two irritated looking bastards. Maja keeps her fingers steady but she can see that Ashlee isn't tuning out the mixed reactions as well she should. 

She sings her heart and soul out, and looks heartbroken when a voice calls out for her to go home just loud enough to be made out in between cheers. Maja's fingers tighten around the neck of her electric guitar.

Suddenly a pink blur moves through the air and hits one of the more vicious hecklers in the face.

“If you call Vicky-T a shitty musician again, I will shove the other heel in your eye, faux-hawk!”

Maja's mouth drops open. Ashlee is holding her other shoe, reduced to standing on stage in neon stockings, shaking a fist in the direction of someone in the audience. The crowd roars right back, looking delighted.  Maja starts to grin. Ashlee waves the other shoe around like a weapon before giving them the cue to start playing “1776.” It's like flipping a switch.  Now the crowd isn't afraid to dance to their music, throw their hands in the air, or laugh alongside them.

For the first time playing, she lets go.  Her fingers move on their own and it feels like she's nothing but the notes she makes.  There are times where she has a hazy remembrance of doing a shimmy with Ashlee, or leaning back to back with Vicky, but for the most part she's just variations of  whole, quarter and eighth notes.

They come off the set high as anything, and Jamia can't manage to stop hugging all of them in turn, while Vicky-T tries to talk Ashlee into bronzing the other heel, "It could be the cover an EP." Zach looks stressed as hell. He has just enough time to run them all back their bus before he rushing to Panic bus.

She knows the name of the band playing after them, but she hasn't seen them play until now. Half hidden in the wings of the stage are a half naked, androgynous woman and a similarly dressed man, waiting anxiously for their cue. Maja makes up her mind to say hello to them before the next show.

Matt grabs her head for an Eskimo kiss. Vicky steals one after him. Maja is high enough that she snuggles close to Zach to nuzzle him as well.  Zach rolls his eyestells them it's time to leave.

Maja watches one of her bands walk away, while her other band jogs up to her wearing sensible clothing like jeans and shirts.  "Come on," says Jesper.  "You've got, like, ten minutes to change into stage clothes before the tour manager pitches a bitch fit."  Maja joins them, a small smile on her face.

 

***

 

She calls Frieda from her bunk after  the second set is over.  She falls asleep listening to Frieda talk about her day and tries to ignore the hint of desperation that creeps in.  She wakes up sometime in the night to the sound of dial tone.  She listens to it for a moment before closing her phone.

 

***

 

Maja wakes up the morning after their first concert to the feeling of the tour bus moving beneath her feet and a complete stranger sitting on the front lounge sofa.  Her eyes widen and she reaches for the greasy frying pan that was left in the sink and holds it out like a weapon.

The stranger freezes, a slightly pudgy curly haired young man who looks like he's going to swallow his tongue.  "Ng," he says.  "ain erg, mhn?"

Maja lowers the frying pan a little and looks at him suspiciously.

"Veronica, there's a stowaway on the bus!" Maja yells, stumbling over her syllables. It takes a moment's struggle not to yell it in Swedish.

Veronica, to her surprise, just takes her right hand off the wheel and flails in in Maja's line of sight.  "That's just Paul the Intern.  Pete sent him.  He's our new handler."

"Ng," whimpers Paul the Intern.  "Nhhhhhhhrn."

 Maja puts the frying pan back into the sink and sits down next to him suspiciously.  Paul's breathing takes a minute to slow down from hyperventilating to heavy panting.  Maja's patient enough to wait for him to form words, but she's not patient enough to leave a stranger with her bandmates. 

"Pete asked if I could pay him back for a favor, and you know, it's Pete Wentz?  I uh, I kinda didn't think to ask what the favor was until after someone shoved a ticket voucher into my hand and shoved me in the back of a car.  I uh, I black out when I panic.  Zach said I'm the new handler?"  Paul looks more terrified at the prospect of being a handler than he had been of Maja with a frying pan.   "I don't know how to be a handler!  I'm an actor!  This is just a temporary thing. I'm in between seasons of my show on MTV."

There is a sound in the doorway.  Maja looks up to see Vicky standing there in her pajamas.    Vicky's eyes flicker to the boy and she angles her body into a question.

"So, this guy is Pete's idea of a handler." Maja says.  Paul flinches when Vicky narrows her eyes. 

Vicky looks over Paul carefully and relaxes.  She looks back at Maja, tension loose and smiles, tilting her head back towards the bunks.  It’s Vicky's way of saying, go ahead.  I'll talk test him and if he passes, he passes.

Maja feels sorry for him, a little, but they can't hire an incompetent bodyguard.  Not with her friends on the line.  Maja pats Paul on the knee and apologizes.

"Sorry for what?  Um, Miss Ivarsson?  Miss Asher?  What's going on?"

Maja can hear Vicky's voice behind in talking in soothing tones.  "Shhhh, everything is going to be fine.  I just want to talk to you about the message of the Cobra,"

She shivers.  Sometimes, she forgets that Vicky was handpicked by Cobra Starship for a reason.  She stops by Jamia's bunk and pulls the curtains aside. 

Her phone is on the pillow beside her and she squints up at Maja, confused at the sudden rush of light.  "The hell..." she murmurs, voice sleep heavy.

"Pete sent a friend of his to be our temp bodyguard.  Victoria is testing him," Maja explains. 

Jamia curses and struggles to untangle herself from her blankets.  She ends up rolling out of her bunk and on to the floor.  "Ow, motherfucker," she snaps.  "A little help here?"

Maja  helps her free herself and stands back to watch Jamia pop into the front lounge.

Paul is a step away from hyperventilating again and Vicky's somewhere between amused and concerned.  Jamia doesn't put up with any of it. She pulls Vicky away to get her started on heating eggo waffles and sits down next to Paul to explain everything that the work entails.

Maja sits to listen in, impressed.  She had a vague knowledge that Jamia helped to run a label, but she had no idea that she was so intrinsically aware of how the industry worked along with all the different positions.

Paul is terribly relieved that at least someone can tell him what to do.  He nods enthusiastically and listens while Jamia gives him the run down.  At the end of everything he smiles in relief.  "Okay that stuff?  That I can do."

 

***

 

When they finally pull up to the venue, Maja leaves her phone in her bunk and goes for a walk.  The other buses aren't too far away and she can hear music in the air.  It's not the keytar. She can recognize the notes, curling over each other softly -- a pianoforte.  She knows realistically it has to be a weighed keyboard but she would rather imagine that there might be a piano out in the parking lot, being played by a gentleman, who in her imagination, greatly resembles Jesper.  She wants to see something as terribly out of place in this parking lot as Maja feels in her life.

Around the corner of the tech bus, she sees a woman sitting in front of a Clavinova.  Dark haired and dark eyed, the woman's hands dance over the keys, forming not songs but arpeggios that resemble calls from song birds.  Her expression is intense but happy, incredibly happy.

It takes her a couple seconds to notice Maja watching her.  There are teamsters and crew hands unloading equipment from under the bus walking around them, but there are only three things in the landscape.  Maja.  The woman.  The bus next to them.

Her hands still.  She looks up and Maja-

Maja has to remind herself to breathe for a moment.  "I'm Maja Ivarsson, The Sounds," she says automatically and stops.  She wonders if she should have said We Haven't Decided Yet or if she shouldn't have mentioned a band at all.  Without the music in the air, there's no magic to grunts and swears of guys lugging around heavy equipment.

The woman just laughs and holds out one of her hands over the keyboard.  "I'm Amanda Palmer, Dresden Dolls."  Her eyes are vibrant and full of laughter. Maja smiles.

Amanda holds up both hands, grinning while she gives Maja jazz hands.  "I play piano. Do you have any requests?"  Maja can't think of anything off the top of her head, so she shakes her head no.

"That's fine," Amanda says grinning.  "I'll think of a song suitable to school you with."

She plays.

 _She plays_ , telling Maja the names of the songs as she finishes each piece.  Some of them take five minutes, others taking as much twenty minutes.  Part way through this impromptu performance, Paul the Intern brings Maja a chair and a clipboard to sign.  She doesn't really pay him any attention, but she is very grateful for the chair, so she gives him a kiss on tcheek and a warm thank you.

He comes back two hours later and she's still sitting in the same place listening and watching.

"Come to sound check, Miss Ivarsson?"  he squeaks, voice rising in pitch at the end.  Maja sighs and stands to go with him.

"Wait," Amanda says.  "When's your set? I want to hear you play."

Maja tries to think about it, but she doesn't even carry a watch on tour.  Paul thankfully answer for her, much more sure of himself now that he's not talking to Maja.  "We Haven't Decided Yet opens at 7:30 and the Sounds have their set at eight forty-five."

Amanda cocks one painted eyebrow at her and Maja shrugs pleasantly.  "Two bands? You must be talented," Amanda grins.  "I like talented people."

Maja leaves with Paul, glancing back once to see Amanda waving her goodbye.  Amanda is standing upright, leaning against her keyboard. She's half dressed, the oversized dress shirt masking her lack of pants.

"Do you need to me to walk you back through the crowd after your set?" Paul asks her.  Long elegant tanned legs, nothing like Frieda's legs, pale from a lifetime of jogging in gyms.

"What?" Maja says distracted. "Oh, yes.  Most likely."

She's going to watch Amanda's set if it kills her.

"You know, you don't have to pick us up for sound check.  That's not part of your job," Maja tells him, patting Paul on the  shoulder.

Paul, the darling boy, blushes a slight pink, "I like knowing where you guys are.  How can I help protect you guys if I can't find you?"  Maja finds it endearing and she can't help herself from ruffling his hair.   

 

***

 

Watching Amanda is like watching a hurricane from a distance at sea.  Maja isn't sure if Amanda is going to destroy her, but from this distance, it's a beautiful chaos to watch.  The drummer, Brian, is fantastic, but she can't keep her eyes off Amada's long, stockinged legs or her face. She sings with such sincerity.  Every so often, Amanda glances over at Maja and sings to her.  During a break between songs, Amanda mouths the words, "Lunch? Thursday?" and Maja nods before she can stop herself.

Maja is afraid of what this means.

She has to leave before the end to get ready for The Sounds.  Dresden Dolls turns out to be the band that plays in between her sets.  Maja makes up her mind to call Frieda after the night is over.  Tomorrow will be a day of rest, a break in between shows. Pete is going to meet them in Philadelphia during a Fall Out Boy tour layover.

Matt and Jamia meet her after the show.

"Where is Paul?"  Maja asks.

They give her a look. She knows that look. "No! Vicky is dating Paul? But he is such a nice young boy!" Maja protests.  Matt shrugs and Jamia throws her hands in the air.

"You know how she is about keeping boys while on tour," Jamia says in a flat tone.  "We'll walk you back. Come on."

The fans outside the stage door are closer and grabbier than Maja is used to, but they show no hint of malevolence or violence towards her. Towards Matt, on the other hand ...

"Fuck you, Otter.  You ruined the band," yells a voice in the distance.  Matt freezes for a moment, but he does a fantastic job of covering his reaction.  Maja's proud of him.  A year ago, he would have ripped through the crowd trying to find the owner of that voice, fists flying.  His eyes lose enough of their mirth that Maja wonders if the blow to his self-esteem is really better than the anger.

Jamia bumps hips with him, "Come on, Matt. They're just jealous they're not on Pete's label."

It's enough to make his lip twitch. Maja wonders if they would ever do the same for her. She spent her school years playing guitar and her early adulthood singing into a microphone.  Even after the past few months they've spent together as friends, women are a complete mystery to her.

Maja curls up driver's seat, holding her cell phone.  She can't make up her mind whether or not to call Frieda.  Ashlee  leans over her with a blanket..  Maja lets her pull her shoes off and tuck the blanket around her.  It's peaceful.  She realizes she forgot to call Frieda when Ashlee plucks the phone out of her hands and disappears into the darker depths of the bus.  She doesn't know if she should take it back.  Soon, maybe.

 

***

 

It's better the next day, but only because she finds a huddled form in blankets sleeping on the lounge sofa.  "Shh," Ashlee says from the corner seat at the table.  "All the bunks are taken so Paul the Intern has been sleeping on the sofa."

"Are you guys ever gonna call him by his real name? He's just Paul."  Matt says from the doorway and then stops himself.  "Yeah, never mind. That just sounded really fucking weird out loud.  He's Paul the Intern forever."

"Vicky didn't let him stay in her bunk last night," Ashlee says, grinning.  Maja loves the way Ashlee's features glow when she gossips.  "So they're like, hot and heavy on the bunk over me, and I'm like, trying not to giggle too loud, because Pete's on speaker phone. He called right before they started doing stuff. Anyway, when Vicky's done with him, Paul's like, was I good? It was my first time, and Pete, the dick-"

"Pete said "I rate you seven with a three point bonus for being inexperienced." Matt says, cutting her off.  Maja puts both hands over her mouth to keep from screaming with delight, glancing over to make sure Paul was still sleeping.  Ashlee smacks Matt on the arm, "And that's like, not even the best part.  Vicky's like-"

Matt interrupts, "Vicky says 'Don't listen to Pete. Your final score is an eight.  Don't worry, I'll train you to a nine.' Then she sent him out to sleep on the sofa.  Fucking cold."

The three of them look back at Paul's body on the sofa.  Suddenly the sprawled octopus limbed man half on the floor, half on the cushions appears more and more pitiful.

Ashlee sighs, "I'm going to buy him some ice cream and season five of Gil-Golf!"

"I'll take him bowling," Matt offers, giving Ashlee a look Maja can't quite read.  Maja keeps herself out of it.  It is hard enough dealing with her own emotional landmines, let alone someone elses.

Vicky stumbles out of the bunk space, blearily looking around for the coffee pot.    Maja watches her stumble around for a couple seconds before helpfully pouring Vicky a mug.  "Here," she sits Vicky down in her old spot and leans against the counter.  The bus is narrow enough for her not to be too far from where the others had scrunched together.

"Can Jamia and I have the back lounge?" Matt asks once Vicky has had her coffee.  "We're a lot more swamped with Skeleton Crew stuff than she wants to admit.  Turning the lounge into an office would really help us out."

"Did you ask Veronica and techs?" asks Maja.  "It's their bus as much as anyone's."

Matt nods, taking a sip from his coffee.  "So long as we squeeze in a couch so no one has to put up with Paul the Intern snoring again.  How did you sleep through that fucking bullshit?  You should have left him gagged."  He directs the last part to Vicky, who narrows her eyebrows.

"I thought I did," she says, looking at Paul with amusement.

Ashlee continues to send sad looks in Paul's direction.   Matt groans loudly and slams his coffee cup on the table.  Maja startles a little at the movement even though Vicky is completely unphased and actually snatches the coffee cup from where Matt left it.

He stands up and grabs Paul's arm off the floor, shaking Paul twice as hard as he can manage. 

Paul jerks awake with a scream.  "Oh, sweet Jesus why?" he whimpers when Matt lets go.  Matt shrugs, "Got a bad email. Might as well take it out on you."

Vicky makes a disgusted sound.  "Ugh, I hate it when they scream like that," she mutters. "Wait," Vicky says looking at Matt suspiciously.  "Email?  As in, Christine Bandy?"

Matt glares at her.  Vicky turns her nose in the air.  "Don't you give me that look Matthew, I know what you're up to and I don't think this is a good idea."

"You and me both, sister," Matt mutters.  "On an unrelated subject, Ashlee and I need to go office shopping now that there's a new office.  If you come Paul, I'll buy you a futon to sleep on."  Paul gives him a grateful look.

"The fuck was that scream?"  Jamia yells, stumbling into the kitchen with her pajamas askew.  Victoria glances at Jamia over her mug.  Jamia directs her gaze to everyone else, settling on Maja last.

"Matthew used unorthodox methods to awaken Paul the Intern," she offers.  "Would you like some coffee?"

Jamia hisses.  Maja takes a step backwards and suddenly remembers the unofficial rule Ashlee, Matt and herself follow:  Never allow Jamia and Vicky alone near a coffee pot in the morning.    According to Ashlee, it is similar to watching a snake and a mongoose try to kill one another.  Maja didn't think it was as bad as that, but it was true the language could get colorful enough to make the two women refuse to speak at one another for days.

"By the way, did you hear? We're turning the back lounge into an office for you! Surprise!" Ashlee babbles, guiding Jamia by the elbow towards the exit.  "Why don't we go to Starbucks on the way over to Office Depot?  Something nice.  Maybe an espresso drink..."

Ashlee maneuvers Jamia off the bus while Vicky pours herself the last of the coffee into her mug, looking very pleased with herself. 

Matt sighs and picks up Paul in a fireman's carry.  Maja watches Matt carry him out the door and has to bite her lip to keep from laughing.  "Don't forget sound check is at five tonight!" she yells after them.

After the door closes, the two of them settle into a comfortable silence.  The quiet is beyond a doubt the best part of touring with the girls in Maja's opinion.  There is always some kind of noise going on in a bus, but We Haven't Decided Yet has a quieter bus than most.  Vicky pours sugar in her mug with the bottle they stole from a late night diner during the filming of "Bring It." 

Maja is terribly surprised when Vicky speaks. Normally it takes another pint of coffee for her to get chatty. "You know, sometimes I think this band never tells me anything."

Maja starts to laugh until she sees how serious Vicky is.  Speak honestly about  how hurt and frustrated Victoria feels.  Maja claps her hand over Vicky's hands holding the coffee mug.

"Is this about Ashlee and Matthew's strange obsession with watching the sports channel whenever they are upset?  I am fairly certain they aren't covering up anything more a shameful than a television show," Maja says.

Vicky shakes her head.  "No, I know about their dirty obsession with Gilmore Girls.  I'm talking about Pete and Christine.   Mostly Christine."

Maja gives her a questioning look.  "And by Pete you mean Pete Wentz?"  Vicky inclines her head slightly. 

"What about Pete Wentz?" Maja asks.  Hopefully he hadn't done something to upset Ashlee again.  The fake smile Ashlee wears to cover her emotions never ceases to disturb Maja.

Vicky  gestures angry with her left hand before she manages to get the words out.  "Pete! And Ashlee! Being complete failboats in love?  Someone could have told me when they started getting involved.  I had to find out about it when I walked in on Pete sleeping in the downstairs bathroom.  Are they even having sex yet?  And Christine!  Matt spent a lot of time with her on the Snakes and Suits tour and I'm not saying that a married woman can't have male friends, but the way he looks at her and the way she looks at him...and then when you factor in all those secret emails...He's been strange ever since we saw Christine and Bill in San Diego."

This?  This Maja had not heard of.  "They are not actually involved," Maja says with uncertainty creeping into her voice.  "Are they?"

"I don't think so," Vicky says.  "Not yet, as far as I can tell. Right now he's avoiding both of them, as far as I can tell. He hasn't stolen my laptop once during the tour and I've seen him ignore two phone calls from Bill so far."

"But Matt was on the phone with Christine just last night!  I heard them after Ashlee tuck me in to call Pete."  Maja puts her free hand over her mouth.  She feels childish admitting to being treated like a young girl.

Vicky winces, sending a guilty look at the now vacated sofa.   Without Paul the Intern sprawled across it, the sofa is nothing more than a large, discolored yellow blob. In another life, one without tea, coffee, or Bert McCracken, its cushions might have been white. "That's what I get for trying to laid when shit faced. Heckling from Pete Wentz."  Vicky pulls out a cigarette, eyes studying Maja. Whatever Vicky sees must not agree with her because she frowns. She says, "You think I should apologize."

Maja doesn't say anything.  By the way Vicky scowls into her coffee, she doesn't need to. 

"Yeah," she admits without prompting, staring at the table.  "I should apologize."

Maja coughs pointedly.

Vicky snarls, "Seriously?  You want me to find a new guy, too?  Alright, alright. Don't give me that look!  I'll find another tour boyfriend and leave Paul the Intern alone."

She flicks the ash off her cigarette into the now empty mug.  There's something about Vicky's tour boyfriends that have always amused Maja.  Every tour without fail, Vicky find someone she can play with for the length of the tour for fun.  Maja found Vicky's bedroom preferences amusing so long as any noises they made were not loud enough to prevent Maja from sleeping. 

"Have you considered settling down?  Maybe finding someone to date for longer than a tour?"  Maja offers. 

"Nah.  I like sex too much.  What are the chances I could find someone as awesome for me as Ashlee and Pete?"  Vicky blows a  cloud of smoke in the air and offers Maja one from her pack.  "Can you believe Christine and Bill? Celebrating their first year anniversary in her parents' church. I wonder if Bill knows about Christine's affair?  He sleeps around so much on tour, he might not even have noticed.  I hear all his 'friends' have an invitation to the anniversary party."

Maja smirks, "Meaning that everyone in Decaydance has been invited."

"So long as no one tells Pete about it until the day of.  Bill's as protective of Christine as you are of Frieda.  They put Patrick in charge of bringing him to the party.  Pete's worse at keeping secrets than your Jesper," Vicky says.  "Travie's in charge of the planning the actual party." 

"No one ever tells me anything, either. Everything I know I have learned from eavesdropping or being at the right place at the right time.  The things I have learned about this band of ours. Did you know Jamia talks to her picture of Frank when no one else is around?  Or that Ryan Ross has been hiding his porn collection under Matthew's bunk so his bandmates won't find it?"

Vicky snickers.  "Ryan Ross pulled the stick out of his ass long enough to buy porn?"

"And..."  Maja's voice falters for a moment.  She has never been very good at speaking about her emotions, for all that she never seems to stop feeling them.  "And I think I want to have an affair."

Vicky drops the cigarette.  "What? Who? What?"

Maja focuses on her hands.  She plays the guitar part from "Mismatchmaker" on air guitar, strumming until she finds the strength to say the words.  "Frieda and I have been having problems.  She used to be fine with the idea of touring but things have been going down hill ever since this band.  She won't come out on tour with me but she won't ask me to stop touring and I can't leave her and I- I- I can't stop thinking about Amanda."

"Shit, man.  You and Sato?  Really?  But you two seemed so solid.  Everyone talks about how you guys are the white picket fence dream.  Why didn't you tell me something was wrong?"  Vicky reached for Maja's hands on the table, squeezing them gently.  "I would have been there for you.  Bros first, man."

"Everything about us is wrong.  I still love her, Victoria.  I love her with everything in me, but it's been so hard."  She feels the wetness on her cheeks before Maja registers that she's crying.  She can't think of the last time she has been able to think about Frieda without feeling pain.  She can't seem to let go yet.  She doesn't know how to say goodbye anymore than she knows how to say I Love You, at least not without feeling like she's lying.

"Oh baby, maybe we should see if Ashlee and Matt are right about that Gilmore Girls marathons."  Vicky backpedals as soon as she catches a glimpse of Maja's expression  "Or?  Or we could, uh,  watch youtube videos of dogs doing tricks? Hedgehog in a bathtub? Kittens of roombas?"

Maja lets out a harsh laugh, wiping the snot from her nose with the back of her hand.

Vicky winces.  "All right, youtube videos it is."

 

***

A couple days later Maja's tuning her new guitar when a hand taps at the edge of her guitar.  She looks up and it's Paul the Intern.

"There's someone here to see you," he says, and then nervously adds in a low whisper, "It's a girl!"

Maja struggles not to grin.  Paul the Intern waggles his eyebrows at her suggestively.  "Come on, man!  Who else would it be? It's Amanda!"

The urge to smile dies.  She stares at him in horror before grabbing the collar of the shirt, "Listen, tell her I am not here.  Do you understand me, Paul?  I am not here."

He stills, giving her a confused look.  "What are you talking about?" He says, "It's Amanda fucking Palmer!"

"No, no Paul, no-" Maja tries explain calmly.  The plan that she had come up with Vicky was to just avoid the hell out of Amanda.  That way there would be no chance of temptation, no chance to do something Maja would regret terribly. Being an adult feels a lot to Maja like being fourteen, only with more complications.

"She's also, like, two feet behind me." 

Maja uses Paul the Intern's tie to jerk his head and shoulder out of the way.  Amanda, hair loose and eyes looking pissed stood in the doorway.  Her arms are crossed over her corset and her tutu brushes against the sides of the doorway.     "Not here, huh?" Amanda says.  "See, if you aren't here, then I guess we aren't going to be having lunch together."

Maja opens her mouth and says, "I'm not dressed for going out," before she can stop herself.

Amanda glares at her jeans and t-shirt.  God, Maja could just kick herself in the head.  She's grateful that she's the only one on the bus right now to see her make a fool of herself other than Paul the Intern, whom no one would believe any way.

Amnda starts to take a step towards her and then stops, putting her foot back on the bottom step.  She looks past Maja, staring at the wall behind Maja's head.

She's almost tempted to look at whatever Amanda's glaring at but she can't even get up the nerve to say something.  Anything really.

"You know what?"  Amanda says.  "Fuck this, we're adults.  Clearly I was reading into something.  Did I, or did I not get the distinct impression that you like me?"

"I do like you," Maja says softly.  The squirming sensation inside her is getting worse.  She has to stare at the ground to keep the worst of her emotions from displaying over her face like a billboard.

"Then we are going on a date."  Before Maja could say or do anything, Amanda walked over, grabbed Maja by the wrist and pulled her off the bus.  Maja could heard Paul the Intern wolf whistle from somewhere behind her.  She's stumbling as she tries to keep up.  She was wearing her stage heels on the bus since she was working on some pieces for The Sounds.  One of her shoes fall off somewhere behind the Panic bus, but Amanda's grip around her wrist is relentless.  Maja's heartbeat is pounding, and undermeath the feelings of shock she's thrilled.

They make it all the way through the back lot out to a van where a tiny brunette boy sits behind the wheel. 

"I bribed Darren from The Hush Sound into driving us to bistro and then picking us up in time for sound check.  Darren, Maja.  Maja, Darren.  Darren enjoys Harlequin romance novels and Victorian poetry.  Maja enjoys messing with my head," Amanda snaps, pushing Maja into the the back seat. 

Darren blushes and gives a tiny wave.  Maja's not sure if she wants to hit Amanda or... or possibly do something else.  Amanda's lips are painted a dark burgundy that makes her eyes burn.   Maja hates herself for wanting to lean over and touch them, kiss them softly.    She settles for saying, "My shoe fell off," as the van pulls away out of the parking lot.

Amanda opens her mouth for a rebuttal but Maja sees her eyes glance down at her feet.  "Shit, are you bleeding?"  She reaches for Maja's foot, checking for blisters. 

Maja pulls her foot away as soon as she can manage.  "It is not so bad.  I'll take off the other one so they'll match."  She  reaches down and unstraps the other shoe.

"I think this makes the worst first date in history," Amanda groans.  She looks so miserable, Maja can't help but nudge her with her shoulder.

"Well, I think there are others who have done much worse.  It could get better," Maja says and she is rewarded by small smile.  

Amanda pulls a lock of hair out of her face, tucking it behind her ear.   "Good."

 

****

 

"Vicky, thank god.  I thought you were going to be late for sound check,"  Jamia says, shoving Maj's guitar in her hands.  The clock backstage said there was five minutes left but Maja was breathing heavy from running across the lot.

"Sorry," she says before she has to bend over while she catches her breath.  Maja sees a pair of black boots walk into her line of sight.

"So," says Vicky.  "Paul said Maja took you out on a date?"  Her voice is low and dangerous.  Maja glances up when she's caught her breath.  Vicky's expression is lightly disappointed.  Maja can't blame her.

Amanda took her to a tiny bistro in the city park.  They had coffee and biscotti, and then they watched the world live all around them.  Children on the playground, little old ladies feeding pigeons, people on their lunch breaks, business men.  Their conversations came as easily as their silences and it ended with Amanda telling Maja that when's she's ready, Amanda might like to give her the kiss hiding in the corner of her mouth.

"We did not do anything," Maja says, puling the strap of her guitar over the shoulder.  Amanda had  never actually given her the kiss.  Maja had pulled away before Amanda could make an attempt.  The guilt feels heavy in her, even with the promise of guitar riff.

Matt taps her on the shoulder, making Maja turn away from Vicky.  "Why aren't you wearing shoes?" he says, looking at her with deep concern.

Maja shifts her weight from one foot to the other.  She had left one in the van and the other a couple yards from Spencer Smith, Maja doubts she'll ever see either one again.  she stocking were in tatters and her stage clothes from We Haven't Decided Yet were still in the bus unless someone had moved them.   She shakes her head at Matt and turns back to Vicky who is fixing Maja with a curious gaze.

"What?" Maja asks.

"Nothing, nothing.  Hey, Ashlee's almost done.  You're next for soundcheck."   Vicky  turns away then, striking up a conversation with Jamia.

Maja goes out on the stage and wonders when she slipped out of place enough that the other four could look at her like she's a stranger.

 

***

Maja was starting to find it irritating the way everyone insisted on having  important conversations during breakfast.  "It's ten in the morning.  This isn't breakfast, it's brunch.  Is that my last Morningstar veggie burger?" Vicky asked.

"No," Maja didn't mean for it to sound like a question, but then again she didn't mean for Vicky to notice it either.

"Those fucking kids!  I'm going to cut one of them, Jesus Christ."  Jamia storms in from the back lounge, kicking their broken down refrigerator in the bottom right corner.  Paul the Intern had discovered it would open on it's own if you kicked it in just the right spot.  Then he had painted a target and taped a neat sign to the fridge so everyone would know.

The kitchen section was once a lovely green plastic, deep forest for the cabinets and a sea color for the counter tops but time had left it's mark.  Maja assumes that Pete gave them one of Fall Out Boy's old buses because most of the graffiti on the wall involves Pete, Andy, Worm, or Joe.  The bathroom was practically wallpapered with filthy comments about Patrick, and Maja took quiet delight in picture texting the best ones to Johan. 

This morning in particular, Veronica was curled  on one end of the sofa next to Matt, the two of them playing travel checkers on a magnetic board with a chess set.

Maja raises her eyebrow and sends Jamia a questioning look.  It takes Jamia a few minutes to look over from where she searched in the fridge for a decent beer, but once she looks Jamia caves pretty quickly.  "It's Leathermouth, guys.  They need help. Frank got involved in a fight, and now I'm not fucking impartial enough to make the call on them.  Hey, Matt!"  Jamia says.

Matt looks up from the game, giving Veronica an apologetic shrug. 

Jamia snaps her fingers, "Here's genius idea. How would you like to be on management staff for Leathermouth?  Everyone knows you and Frank don't get along, so no one will say any shots you call is favoritism.  Also, you're not too much of an asshole to knock em down when they get together album material."

Maja chokes on the coffee she's drinking and Vicky has to pound her back.  The idea of Frank and Matt working together on anything other than a brawl against one another sounded ridiculous even to Maja.

Matt as well because he crosses his arms and looks pointedly at Jamia.  "First off, he's already listed himself on all the paperwork he's emailed me.  Second, are you insane?  Just because Iero and I stopped trying to kill each other doesn't mean he's going to listen to anything I say.  Ever." He throws emphasis on the last word.

"Excuse me. I don't feel comfortable being here. This seems kind of personal," Veronica says and she darts out of her seat and out the door.

Jamia slaps her palm against her forehead.  "Great, now I've scared off fucking Veronica!  Come on, Matt. It would work. Most of Frankie's friends want to choke him half the time, so no one blames you guys for not getting along. Even Bryar-"  Jamia hastily tries to backpedal, "Even G- Cortez!  Even Cortez threatens to poison his Red Bull stash.  And-"

Jamia's cut off when the entrance door opens, causing the four occupants of the room to turn and stare.  Ashlee storms onto the bus.  Maja didn't even know the girl was awake.  She rarely woke up before noon on tour and could usually be heard approaching by the sound of her texting.

Her hair was an absolute mess and her grey eyes look annoyed as hell.  She had a paper crumbled in her right hand that she threw at Matt's head.

"Next time, asshole, try and remember to take Pete's face out of your portable punching bag BEFORE he sneaks on to the bus to try and surprise us with a visit.  I got woken up at eight this morning to him fucking blogging in the living room because he thought we hated him.  I had to go back to the hotel he's staying at with William and Christine and explain to them that we don't hate Pete, but our drummer is a fucking jerk with anger management issues.  I can't fucking-  Arg!"  She grabs the empty Morningstar box on the counter and throws it at Matt's head.  He doesn't even try to block it, wincing instead when it flops against his abs.

He holds up both hands, gesturing for everyone to calm down and let him speak his piece.  He calmly says, "First off, Jamia, I'm in so long as Frank okays this first.  Second, what the hell is he doing surprising us at eight in the morning?  I wouldn't have left that there if I had known he was coming.  I use Frank's face all the time and I don't leave his in, do I Jamia?"

Maja grabs Vicky's arm as tight as she can to keep the other girl from bursting into laughter.  Jamia's face is turning puce with anger while Ashlee looks mortified at his response.  Matt's expression turns from self-righteous confidence into outright panic.  Without any other words, he lunges for the door, barely making his exit before Jamia can attack.  Jamia doesn't follow him though she does close the door behind him and sit on his spot on the couch to finish his beer.  Ashlee shuffles over to the empty seat across from Vicky and Maja.

"Oh, by the way, Christine says we're all invited to the anniversary party."  Ashlee tells them. Maja nods while Vicky just plasters on her most vaguely interested expression.  Jamia, on the other hand looks genuinely confused.

"...which Christine? Matt's Christine or FBR lawyer Christine or are you talking about another Christine? " asks Jamia.

Ashlee rolls her eyes.  "Christine Bandy.  Mattie's pen pal?  William Beckett's wife?  They are such a cute couple.  Oh my gosh, wait til you meet their baby, Gwen.  She's the sweetest baby girl I've ever seen."

Jamia, curiously enough, pales at this explanation.  She gets to her feet rather quickly and stammers, " I, uh I have to go," before dashing off.

"Weird," Ashlee says, turning back to Maja and Vicky.

More like suspicious Maja thinks, but doesn't say anything.  She wonders idly if Jamia also suspects Matt to be sleeping with Christine.  Then again, a voice says in the back of Maja's mind, most people would say you would never dream of cheating on Frieda.

"So," Maja says, trying to distract herself.  "When are you going to do something about Pete?"

Ashlee deflates.  She pokes at a half eaten waffle left on the table.  "He's kind of married to his band and completely committed to Patrick.  I don't stand a chance.  Patrick's like, you know, Patrick.  Hemmingway loves him.  Pete and I are just friends and that's all I'm going to get."

Vicky  bites her lip.  "Pete's not out of your league. You should go for it and stop doing ridiculous things to catch his attention."

Ashlee buries her face in her hands and mumbles something.  Maja doesn't catch what she says, but Vicky laughs hard enough to fall out of the booth.  She howls,  pounding her hand on the ground, face is red and she's gasping for air.

"I didn't catch that," Maja asks delicately, she's not sure that she wants to know if it's insightful enough to make Vicky laugh like that.

"I SAID I bought a furry suit," Ashlee snaps, face bright pink before burying her face in her hands again.  "I hate loving his stupid ridiculous face."

Maja is about to ask what a furry suit is when a familiar voice cuts in.  "Whose face?"

Amanda walks into the bus, giving everyone a general wave.  She grins right at Maja, eyes bright. Her brow is drawn as a series of flowers.  Maja wants to trace them with her fingertips.

"No one," Ashlee insists from behind her hands.

"Pete," Maja says, laughing lightly at Ashlee's ensuing whimper.

Amanda just flashes her a smile, "Come on, we've got another date."

Maja tries to ignore Vicky's concerned look when she leaves with Maja.  Whatever they have can last for a tour and Frieda never has to know.  So long as Maja doesn't act on it, it's not really cheating.  It still counts.

She can't shake the thought from her head, even when they walk past the Panic bus to the van.  It still counts as cheating and she can't do that.  Not to Frieda.

"Actually, I don't think I can go with you, Amanda," she says.  Maja  lets go of Amanda's hand before she climbs into The Hush Sounds van.  "It's nice seeing you Darren but, I don't think I can see you for while."

Amanda's shoulders drop. "Oh," she says.  "I thought, I thought we had a good time in the park."

"We did," she say, voice rasping at the edges.

"Then get in the van with me?   If it's because you haven't been with a woman before, please don't be scared," Amanda reaches out to touch her but before either of them move, they hear a bang on the driver's side.

"Darren!  Darren!  We need you to drive Ryan to the airport, like now.  He just got the call that his Dad's dead," says a tiny boy voice.  Maja hurries around the side of the van and sees Brendon looking smaller and more fragile than Maja has ever seen him.  He's shaking as he pleads for Darren to take him.

"Brendon, you're not listening to me. Listen to me. Of course I'll drive him to the airport," Darren says, before turning to Amanda.  "Sorry about that."

She's still sitting in the van, looking stunned and more than a little sympathetic.  "Oh, Ryan," Amanda sighs.

Maja can't stop herself from pulling Brendon into a hug.  She holds him tight, until the bone-deep shaking in his body has stopped.  If she still believed in God, she would ask for this pulling the world out from under feet business to end.

 

***

She goes with him to let everyone else on the tour know what's going on, then goes back with him to the Panic bus.  It's messier than theirs, with dirty laundry in piles over the floor and beer bottles on the beds. She spots a guitar pick in someone's unwashed coffee cup.

Brendon tugs her in the direction of Jon Walker, who's sitting on a bench built into the wall.  He tugs on the edge of Maja's denim jacket, and she figures out that he wants her to sit to one side of him, with Jon on the other.  She sits on the bench to his left, and in this way Brendon's able to drape his arms around them both.

Pete's there on the phone, and Ashlee's taking notes as he shouts at an airline representative at the other end of the line.  Maja can faintly make out the sound of Ryan screaming through the door of their back lounge and Spencer's muted attempts to soothe him.

She looks around the bus for Zach but she can't spot him anywhere.  Jon  catches her eye over Brendon's head pressed into his neck.  He mouths, "Zach is restraining Ryan" slowly so she can read it.  She can picture it, Zach holding Ryan's wrists from behind, to keep him for hurting himself or somebody else.

The screams make her shiver, make her voice box ache in sympathy.  Who would have guessed it'd take something so momentous as his father's funeral to release the rage inside Ryan?

In comparison to Maja, Brendon is tiny, with his arm around her back, holding on for dear life.  She wishes Frieda were here; she would make him soup and they'd curl up together on the couch to watch Disney movies.  But it's just Maja here with Brendon and she doesn't know how to comfort him.

Eventually, the screaming dissipates into sobbing, still loud to hear through the walls.

"Thank you, thank you," Pete says hanging up.  He surveys the bus, taking in Maja, Jon, Brendon on one side, Ashlee copying the information Pete just recited to another sheet of paper, and the closed back door.  "Brendon," he says, snapping his fingers.  "Where is everyone else and what are they doing right now?"

Brendon looks up.  His bottom lip is all chewed up.  "The Hushies are Decided's bus, with Vicky and Jamia.  Darren is in his car waiting for Ryan, whenever he's ready.  Amanda is with Darren.  Brian is helping the techs load equipment back on the buses.  I don't know where Matt is."

"He's with Christine and William at the hotel," Pete says and then swears for a few seconds under his breath.  "Fuck, someone has to call them and fill them in."

Ashlee licks her lips and says, "I'll do it."

"No, no, I'm the only one else with a car.  I'll do-"

"Pete!" Ashlee snaps.  "You still need to help Darren drive Ryan to the airport, not to mention cancel tonight and tomorrow's shows.  Give me your keys and I'll pick them up.  Bill can spend tomorrow learning Ryan's guitar part, so we don't have to cancel the tour."  She holds out her hand expectantly for the keys. 

Pete stares at her hand for a minute, before throwing his arms around her and kissing her full on the lips.  Ashlee's eyes widen in surprise and she tries to reach up to grab Pete, but he takes a step back before she can.  Maja sees something in Ashlee's eyes break a little, when he pulls away.

"Sorry about that, Princess. The last thing Decaydance needs now is a sexual harassment charge, right?"  Pete smiles and it's a hollow smile.  He looks too worn at the edges for it be anything or than an act.  He reaches into his pocket, takes Ashlees hand and places in them his keys, a breath mint, gum and a handful of lint.

Ashlee automatically closes her hand and leaves, door slamming shut behind her.  Pete goes over to the kitchen sink.  He splashes some water on his face and takes a deep breath, before heading to the back lounge.

"This is worse than Brent," Brendon mutters, untangling himself from Maja and siddling closer to Jon Walker.  Maja doesn't know what to do with her hands.  She sits there and listens to Pete's muted voice filter through the door, followed by Spencer's.  

The door opens after a couple minutes and Ryan walks out, looking paler and more shaken than Maja's ever seen him look.  His face is wet and his eyes rimmed red.  He looks like his world his been destroyed.  Maja feels a touch of glee and thinks, _finally, someone feels the same way I do_ before she pushes the feeling back down.  Maja scrambles off the couch and goes out looking for the van.

Amanda's sitting shot gun, smoking and talking to Darren.  Maja can't hear her voice, but the soft color of her eyes is warm.  The street lights make her look like everything Maja's been missing.  The van is dark enough that Amanda's hair looks black.  She knows if she focuses, she can smell the same perfume Frieda uses on Amanda's skin, and it's almost like she can touch love.

Maja pulls open the van door and reaches for Amanda.  The other woman looks surprised when Maja pulls her down for a kiss.

Amanda's lips are soft.  Amanda is not wearing lip gloss, and her burgandy lipstick tastes like nothing in particular.    Maja closes her eyes and it's just like touching Frieda, and she thinks, I love you, I love you, I love you.

"Come back to my bunk,"  Maja says.

Amanda furrows her brow but Maja hold up a finger against Amanda's lips. "Please."

Amanda nods and climbs out of the van.  They leave just as Ryan makes it out of the Panic bus with nothing but a small Disney backpack.

The other members of the Hush Sound are Mari Kart on Iqbal's game system.

Vicky and Paul are sitting in the driver’s seat.  They stop talking as soon as they see Maja walk on the bus.  A sense of betrayal wrings inside her, hurting in ways she doesn't want to think about.  She takes Amanda's hand and pulls her into the bunk room.

She pushes Amanda into Vicky's bunk instead of trying to climb up to her own.  She doesn't want to think at all and she thinks Amanda's picking up on it because Amanda is letting her do all these things without putting up much of a fight.  Maja fumbles to unbotton Amanda's trousers.  She slaps away Amanda's hands when she tries to help.  She hates it when Frieda tries to help because she always takes her time.

Maja stops.  She can't do this.

"I can't do this," she says and starts crying.  She climbs back into the bunk next to Amanda, clinging to her as tight as she can without hurting her.  She doesn't know why Amanda isn't asking her questions but she's grateful.  She so terribly grateful that Amanda's wrapping her arms around Maja and tucking Maja's head under her chin.

There's a quiet moment, where Amanda's hand is still tangled in Maja's hair.  The slow circles of her fingertips on Maja's scalp keep her from floating off completely.

"For someone so shy in relationships, you sure have a lot of bdsm toys in your bunk. “

Maja sighs lazily, she is listening to Amanda's lungs and steady heartbeat to try and get a handle on her emotions.  "This is Victoria's bunk.  She likes to keep busy."  She hates the way her voice shakes on the words.

"Given that there's a dildo the size of my arm on the pillow, I'm starting to suspect you have ulterior motives,"  Amanda says.  Maja can hear the smile in her voice and lets the warm feeling wash over her.

"I could write a song to the rhythm of your heart," Maja says.  She falls asleep there with Amanda's fingers rubbing small circles against her hair, half on Amanda's torso with her handon Amanda's hip.

 

***

 

Maja wakes up in her bunk alone.  The curtain is drawn back and there's a light shining in her face.  "Band meeting," snaps Vicky.  "Band meeting right the fuck now in the back lounge."  There are dark shadows under her eyes and it's clear she hasn't slept at all.    Maja reaches towards her but Vicky pulls away. 

"Vicky," she says, but Vicky's body is a series of tense lines, all of them refusing to look at her.  

Maja climbs out of the bunk and fumbles around for some clean clothes in her own bunk.  She finds clothes that don't smell too horrible and walks into the back lounge.  They haven't had a meeting before, not like this, where Jamia and Matt are arguing in a corner looking furious, Vicky's sitting on Jamia's desk, Paul looks like he's about to flee out the room at the slightest look, and  Ashlee's sitting in the corner with her head on her knees and her eyes staring at her sidekick.  It takes a second for Maja to register why it all looks so wrong.

Matt never argues back if one of them try to pick a fight.  It drives Maja crazy that he won't argue with them or even admit when his emotions are going wild.  Right now, Matt looks like he's  doing his best to keep from trying to have a brawl with Jamia.  Vicky has no room to talk when she stole Maja's bunk on the Snake and Suits tour almost every single off day for sex, so Maja doesn't want to think about what she could have done to upset her this time.  Paul should not even be in the room and Ashlee-

Ashlee isn't texting.  She's not touching any buttons, just staring at the screen on her phone.  It's something so completely out of character she can help but stare at her while she closes the door and takes a seat next to Paul on his futon.

"Okay, this is not going to be one of those bands where it's just a job.  We're friends and I am sick of being left out of the loop because it seems to me like everyone is keeping secrets.  We're going to nip this in the bud before it starts affecting our performances," Matt opens his mouth to speak but Vicky hold up her hand and glares at him. "Don't you even think of interupting me Matthew Pelissier because I heard you offbeat this morning.  Ashlee, you're our frontman and you can't keep forgetting how high profile you are.  Paul can't keep saving you.  And you Maja-"

Maja swallows sharply.  She knows what Vicky's going to say.

"You've been acting like you aren't even a part of this band when we get off stage.  You go running to The Sounds bus at the hint of a problem.  Is it so damn hard to talk to us."  Vicky folds her arms and glares at all of them in turn.

Maja wants to fix this, but since when can she fix anything?  Jamia snaps, "So, hey, does anyone have a problem with me?"

"Other than the crazy secret you and Matt have been keeping from the rest of us, no.  It's the worst kept secret in the band.  We all know about you and Beckett," Vicky says.  Ashlee looks up from the text message and gives Matt a hurt look. _Oh god, she hadn't known._

"Mattie," Ashlee says softly, and she reaches a hand up towards him.  Matt swears under his breath and joins her on the floor.

Jamia takes the two steps until she's right in Victoria's space, looking angry as hell, "No, no, no you do not have the right for demand that Matt share his fucking personal information with you because you don-"

"You're right.  I slept with the Becketts," Matt says matter-of-fact.

Every stares at Matt.  Maja hadn't thought he had actually done it.  It was just gossip.  Harmless, fictional gossip.

Matt  runs his hand through his hair, tussling it subconsciously.  "I've been messing around with Bill for a while and been emailing his wife. Long story," he says, shrugging.  "Turns out they have this open relationship where it's not cheating if Bill keeps it above the waist but we, ugh.." Matt stammers here. "We didn't keep it there.  I went over to the hotel to meet Christine in person only she tells me I'm their new exception.  It's not cheating if it's me. So, uh,"  Matt pushed her hands as deep into his pockets as he can make them go. “I’ve really fucked things up this time.”

Maja has to remind herself to close her mouth, even with Paul whispering, "Oh motherfucking christ," under his breath.  Vicky's arm fall to her sides and Maja can tells by her expression that she regrets forcing Matt's hand like this.  Jamia settles on the tiny floor space next to Matt.  Vicky slides off the desk  and squeeze into the space between Jamia and the desk.  Maja takes Paul by the arm and drag him down next to the others.  There's no space between the six of them once Maja and Paul have settled.

Ashlee takes a deep breath before she pulls the hood of her sweatshirt down with one hand and holds out her Sidekick for everyone to read the screen.

"It's my turn to share with the class, I guess."

The text from Pete Wentz says:

_i wish we culd, but we cn't.  don't ask me 2 luv u. cleo & tony lived our ending. bff's forever, ok?_

Paul the Intern's the first one to say it out loud.  "Does that mean you guys are breaking up?"

Hey grey eyes widen in panic, "I don't know!  We weren't even dating to begin with!  At least, I don't think we were.  I would have known if we are dating. He would have told me we were, right?  Am I Anthony or Cleopatra?"

Vicky leans over to study the screen.  "Hmm," she says.  "One thing's for sure.  Pete is a fucked up asshole.  He has to be Cleopatra."

Ashlee knocks her head against the wall, making a vicious cracking noise.  Maja puts a hand on her knee.  She doesn't understand why everyone has to make things so difficult.  _Hypocrite,_ sings the voice in the back of Maja's head.

Suddenly, the theme song to Star Wars fills the air.  Maja groans along with everyone else.  They all know, with all too much familiarity, who that ringtone belongs to.

"Jamia, seriously?" Vicky says. “Don’t answer.  We all know what Frank's going to say.”

Jamia rolls her eyes, "Yeah, with my luck, the one time I don't answer it will be the one time there’s an emergency."  She flips the phone open and hits the speaker button.

"Jamia, baby, oh my god I love you, baby.  You are my Axel Rose, my everything, baby!  You're my everything."

Jamia facepalms.  "Frank," she says.  "I told you not to call me when you're drunk."

"I just want to tell you how much I love you. I love you a LOT. I wish you were here so you could make me a sandwich and walk Mama with me and marry me.  Mama looks good in white.  I really want a vegan cheese sandwich now."  Maja snorts. She's never heard him so drunk before. His voice is so slurred.  She doesn't want to hate Frank. It's just that he's been so horrible to them in the past that, in moments like this, she can't help but feel like Jamia's too good for him.  Much too good for him. It's not the tattoos or the language that bothers her, it's the way he expects Jamia to return his complete faith and love, like it's so easy.

Gerard's voice chimes up in the background saying, "Seriously, Frank.  Hang up before she leaves you for a better woman."  Frank begs Jamia to make him a sandwich over and over again between marriage proposals.

Paul's eyes are widen. "Hanging with you guys is better than cable."

Jamia's head thunks once, twice, against the wall and and she passes the phone to Vicky.  She says, "I can't talk to him when he's this drunk."

Frank's voice whines her name out over and over again. Vicky just holds the phone out like it's a piece of rotting fish.   “What do you expect me to do with ... this?”

Ashlee mouths the words, 'aren't you going to do something' to Maja, but Maja shakes her head slightly.

"You know what, never mind," Jamia takes the phone back holding her mouth right up to the speaker.  "Frankie, you are going to hang up right now before I do leave you.  Then, I'm going to pretend you just didn't give me the shittiest proposal I ever heard from you in my life and by the way, I won't respect you in the morning but at least we'll still be dating.  Good night, asshole."  She fumbles when she tries to hang up the line, fingers slipping over the buttons while Franks voice starts talking to Gerard sounding confused and disappointed over why Jamia didn't like the proposal.

As soon as Maja hears Frank's genuine confusion, she can't help herself.  She starts giggling. The laughter bubbles up inside her and pretty soon she has to brace both hands on the ground to keep from falling over sideways into Paul who is, coincidentally, the next one to start laughing. 

Ashlee manages a small smile, and adds, "In retrospect, Pete's not that bad."

Vicky nods.  "At least Pete doesn't propose every time he gets drunk."

It's enough to set everyone off.  Even Matt's booming laughter over Vicky's snickering and Jamia's giggle snorts.  By the time they all manage to quiet down, Maja feels lighter than she's felt in weeks.

"I'm dating Amanda," She says quietly and is startled when everyone in the room snaps in unison, "We know."

"Let's talk in my bunk," Vicky adds, glaring at her.

"As far as Frieda knows, we're still together."  The room quiets down.  "Frieda and I are going to work things out and I can't- she can't know that I cheated.  We're going to fix things.  Maybe get married and have kids some day.  I am going to break things off with Amanda and fix this."  She is.  Maja's going to talk Frieda into coming on tour with them, her first tour of Maja's career, and they are going to work out.

Frieda was the most supportive and influential person in Maja's life when they were living in a van and busking the streets of Amsterdam to raise money for another gig.  She's been in Maja's life for so long, she can't imagine a life without her.

She looks up to see the concerned looks the people in the room are giving her.  "It's going to work out," she says in a small voice, heart sinking a little.

"You say it, Vicky."

"No way. Paul?" Vicky looks at Paul who throws his hands in the air.

"I'm an actor.  I don't know shit about these kinds of things.  Ashlee? Jamia?"  Ashlee shakes her head and looks at the wall guiltily.  Maja doesn't know what they are getting at, but she'd like it if someone who just fucking tell her or hug her or something.

"Maybe it's time you and Frieda see other people," Jamia says.  The words are soft spoken but careful.  Maja can't believe what she's hearing.  She doesn't want to believe it.

Maja looks at all of them carefully to see if the rest of her friends feel the same way.

She stand up and leaves the room.  Maja hears Ashlee curse when she closes the door behind her.  Maja hears Vicky say something about calling Fredik to warn them.

Maja doesn't care.  She's going to spend the night with The Sounds.

She ends up curled up in her bunk, calling Frieda.  The phone goes to voicemail four times before she gives up.  "This proves nothing," Maja says to no one in particular.

 

***

 

Johan is hovering over her when she wakes up.  "You haven't done this for a few weeks."

Maja rolls over and turns her back to him.

"Maja, you seriously need to either flat out stop this now or move back on to this bus for the rest of the tour before you do some crazy chick thing."  Johan's quiet voice sounds concerned behind her, annoying Maja more than anything.  She hates that concerned voice, and if it was not for the fact there are five people on her other bus that have the same concerned voice, she would leave right now.

"Maja-"

She turns around for a moment to take her pillow and hit Johan in the face with it as hard as she can manage.  She glares at Johan when he tries to fix the hair Maja just mussed.  He looks at her carefully, biting his tongue between his teeth so the tip stuck out between his lips.  It was the stupidest expression Maja had ever seen for someone trying to concentrate, but that was Johan all over.  She  tries to tug the curtain shut but his hand block it.  Maja considers biting his fingers when Johan turns to the open bunk door and yells, "Fredik!"

"Yeah?"

"Do your magic. Fix Maja.  She's in one of her moods."

"Bullshit, I checked the calendar.  Her vag isn't due for another week and a half."

Maja goes from annoyed to enraged in seconds.  _They keep a calendar?  Assholes!  Bastards!_

Johan looks at Maja for a second and does a double take, "She had her girl trouble face on, but now she's got her angry cat fa- motherfucker!" 

Maja jumpa out of her bunk and lunges as if to put both her hands around his throat.  She hears footsteps behind her and it's Felix's arms that have to pull her off of Johan.  "A calendar?  A fucking calendar?  You-  Fuck you!  Fuck you!"

Fredik moves his hands, asking Johan quietly if he's all right.  Johan, more terrified than actually hurt nods, giving Maja a hurt look.  Fredik on the other hand, in furious enough that the tips of his ears are bright red along with the rest of him.  "You have thirty seconds to spill with everything that's wrong, or I swear to god-  No," he says, changing his tone halfway through.  "You're been extra crazy this tour because of Frieda and we're giving you space so don't get to blame us."

Maja glares at Fredik, put she knows he has a point.  She takes a deep breath and breaths out, waiting until the thirty he gives her are almost up when she says, "The girls want me to break up with Frieda, and I want to have sex with Amanda fucking Palmer. Are you happy now?"

As soon as the words tumble out of her mouth she remembers that the boys are the ones who haven't had a front row seat to the drama.  Dresden Dolls spend their free time with Panic! at the Disco and The Hush Sound.  The Sounds, on the other hand, spend time with the techs who are closer to them in age and temperament than the other band members.  We haven't Decided Yet mostly split off to do their own weird thing.  Tours perpetuate terrible gossip, but there wasn't any reason why Maja's scandals would trump the scandal of Ryan Ross flying home for the funeral.

Felix releases Maja almost immediately, backing away from the other three.  "This? More drama than I can handle.  Give me a text when you need support, but otherwise, it's pub crawl time for me.  I'll be taking Jesper along, too. Be back by eight."

Fredik waves him off.  John looks torn between following Jesper and staying, but in the end, he stays, kicking the pile of dirty laundry in front of him to cover the rear exit so no one else can escape, either.  Maja can tell and it bothers her more than it normally would.  Fredik chews on his lip carefully before addressing Maja again.

"I think, if your bandmates care enough to call you on this, then there's a bigger problem between you and Frieda than you realize."  Fredik throws his hands up in the air when she turns to glare at him.  "Woah, woah.  I'm not going to tell you to break up, but Majong, you have got to talk to them.  Talk to Frieda first.  Figure things out.  If you'll excuse me, I'm going to try and catch up with Jesper and Felix."  Fredik slips out the bunk room, closing the door behind him.

Maja turns to Johan.  He's looking in every direction but her, and she feels horrible for being so unreasonable.  She touches his shoulder with the tips of her fingers and says, "Hey."

Johan rolls his eyes, but he does look at her.  He shoves both hands in his jeans pockets and nods.

She says softly, "I am sorry.  I did not mean to overreact like that. Just, don't attribute every bad mood of mine to PMS."

He's such a sweet boy, she thinks, smiling at him.  "Come on," she says, offering her arm to him.  "I'll drink you and Fredik under the table."

Johan laughs and takes her arm.  "Ah, but the question is can you out drink Jesper?"

***

She slips away from the group while no one’s watching. There’s a sticker over the emergency exit sign but she can recognize a back door where she sees one.

She looks either way quickly to make sure it’s empty before she steps out. She hand hovers over her cigarette carton for a moment before pulling out her phone. She hits redial without looking.

“Hey, you have reached the one and only Frieda Sato! Leave a message for the busy bee.” Beep.

Maja switches the phone to her other hand fumbling for her Marlboros. “Hello love, it’s me. I was hoping maybe you could come visit? I want you in my life and I want you to meet my bands in person.”

She has to pin the cellular phone in place with her shoulder to light her cigarette, “We’re going to be in San Diego soon. I know it is far but the bus will take you there and I can buy you a plane ticket back. I’ll leave a pass with security if you can make it. Call me. I love you.”

Hanging up is easier than she’d like to admit. Maja smokes her way through the pack before she goes around to the front entrance. Felix doesn’t say anything to her, but he does buy her drinks for the rest of the night.

***

Maja’s not too much of a coward to go back on to the girl band bus alone. She isn’t. She call Paul to take her back to the bus because she’s afraid of the heat.

The rest of them are waiting when she shows up. Ashlee fidgets without looking her in the eyes. Jamia looks guiltier than Maja has ever seen her. Vicky and Matt both look uncomfortable more than anything.

“For the record, you were out of line to say that. However, I know you just said it because you cared,” Maja says, looking pointedly at all of them in the room. “I invited Frieda to join the tour at San Diego.”

Ashlee jumps up from the couch and throws her arms around her. “I hate fighting,” she says, squeezing tight. That was one good thing about traveling with girls. No one’s ever stingy about hugging.

Jamia lets out a sigh of relief. “Oh thank fucking Christ. For a chick who doesn’t cry in front of other people, you are the biggest emotional roller coaster I’ve ever met. Shift over Ashlee, I call seconds on hugs.”

A feeling of relief floods her. She closes her eyes and squeezes Ashlee back around her wiry frame only to feel someone huge press against her from behind. Jamia’s voice cuts in from the background, “Damn it Matt, no cutting in line.”

When she opens her eyes, Paul the Intern is standing in the middle of the bus holding his clipboard nervously. “Well, if everyone is going to be hugging anyway, my TV show starts filming it’s new season soon. I’m going to be leaving you guys at the end of this tour. Pete’s working on getting you someone new before I go.”

Vicky’s mouth drops open.

Ashlee flips open her Sidekick and starts texting. “Hold on a sec, I’m going to rip Pete a new one.”

Everyone has known that Paul was just temporary but that didn’t make it feel any less abrupt for Maja. She pulls herself out of Matt’s arms and embraces Paul in his own hug. He drops the clipboard. Paul sniffles loudly.

“I’m gonna miss you guys,” he says.

They somehow manage to fall into a huge group hug ending in Eskimo kisses all around. As soon as Paul stops crying, Maja stares at him to fix his face in her mind.

Unruly hair, twitch in the corner of his mouth, and tiny ears. Paul with his doe eyes and his silly way of curling two fingers over a person’s wrist before asking if they are okay.

“Allergies acting up?” Vicky asks her when no one is looking in their direction.

Maja wipes at her eyes, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

They look up from their seat at the couch to watch Jamia, Paul, Ashlee and Matt playing Rock Band. Vicky leans her head on Maja’s shoulder. “I like being a part of two bands,” she says quietly. “The Cobras are great, but it's nice to hang out with girls again.”

"Touring with girls isn't much different from touring with boys,” Maja says, thinking of all the roughhousing she and Jamia do when they try to play any kind of board game together. Felix makes childish faces just the way Ashlee does. And no matter who's on your tour bus, there are always piles of dirty laundry and dirty dishes.

“There are little differences, though. Like the smells. My old bus smelled like axe and piss. This one smells like a fight to death between Pine-sol and Mr. Clean, and the back longue smells like nachos. Have you noticed the nacho smell?”

Maja shakes her head. Matt buys air fresheners in bulk. The roof of his bunk is covered in car fresheners and he has a glade plugin at every outline. The girls indulge his nervous tics left over from My Chem, especially since they all know what most tour buses smell like.

Vicky sighs, snuggling closer to Maja. “I hate the smell of nachos.”

****

They get to the Vegas stop early. There’s just enough time for to Vicky walk Maja over to the Amanda’s bus. The sky is cloudy but the sun still shines through strong enough to warm Maja’s skin.

Vicky leans against the side of the bus, playing with her lighter. “Okay, Maj,” she says. “You are officially on your own.”

The door is open to begin with but climbing up the stairs is a nightmare. Amanda is sitting with her back to the door and a down of cereal in front of her. She sees the back of a baggy T-shirt.

It’s odd, but Maja doesn’t think she’s ever seen Amanda fully clothed before. She coughs slightly.

Amanda laughs harshly once. “What the fuck, Ryan,” Amanda says, turning around. “I thought you left already for Sp-”

She stops talking as soon as she sees Maja. She pushes her cereal away and stand up slowly. “Hey,” she says softly. Maja hears the cautionary tone. There something so comforting and safe about Amanda that Maja can’t stand seeing her unnerved.

“So about that night...” Maja trails off. Her throat is drier than she thought.

Amanda smiles at her, slipping her thumbs in the pockets of her sweatpants. Amanda makes her baggy superbowl shirt and sweatpants look beautiful. “It’s okay,” she says smiling. “Death makes everyone a little crazy. I’m just glad you didn’t go through with it. I kinda wanted our thing to be special, you know?”

“I can’t see you anymore.” Maja croaks. “I have a girlfriend.” Amanda’s face turns to stone, and Maja hurries to try and explain, “You make me feel amazing, and I want to be with you, but I’ve been with Frieda for years, and I can’t lose her.”

Amanda crosses her arms and turns her back to Maja.

She’s never hated herself more than this moment. “Amanda, I do love you.”

Amanda’s muscles tense. “Maja, you have five seconds to get off this bus before I lose my shit.”

“Amanda...”

Amanda reaches for one of the dishes in the sink and throws it wildly in Maja’s direction. “Get the fuck out,” she screams. She reaches for one of the pots and Maja knows to run.

Vicky catches up to her once they’ve made it past The Hush Sound’s van. “That was quick.”

Maja shakes her head. She can’t make words yet. She needs- She needs to get in her bunk before she starts crying. She pushes past Vicky on to their tour bus. She has two hours before Rolling Stone shows up for an interview. It doesn’t give her much time to get her act together but she hopes it’ll be enough.

***

She walks out of the bunks into the Lounge just as Paul rushes on the bus holding a cell phone and a list.  “Please don’t talk to the interviewer about anything on this list,” he says.  “You don’t want to know what Pete will do to me if you do.”

Matt snickers after glancing at the sheet.  Maja takes it next. The list of Forbidden subjects is short: don't talk about significant others, sex with animals, murder, questions about other bands, or pregnancy.  She passes it to Jamia. 

Vicky turns on the speakerphone.  Maja stays quiet for the most part, only speaking up when specifically addressed.

“And now for my final question. Where do you see the band in five years?”

Ashlee and Vicky both talk at the same time.

“Disbanded. We'll be working with our main bands by then, probably.”

“Touring on a new album.”

They stare at each other in horror.  “ I thought,” Ashlee stammers.  “I thought the band was going to keep going.  We’d keep writing music together on the side.”

“This is still everyone’s side project.  Just because we’re planning a second album doesn’t mean it will sell, or that we’ll still be touring together.  We might, we might not.  I don’t know,” Vicky says, pulling her hands off the table counter and into her lap.  Vicky glances at Maja. 

Maja doesn’t know what to say.  She and Vicky had both talked together about how nice it would be to go back to just touring with their main bands.  She doesn’t know how to say what she thinks either.  She thinks her band mates main projects are becoming mainstream, household names, way bigger than The Sounds and that they’re going to leave her behind.

“Your solo career might make a huge comeback, Ashlee.  If that happens, you might be to busy to tour with us,” Maja says finally.  It’s happened to her before in Sweden.

Ashlee gives her a hurt look.  “I will always make time for my friends.”

“You know I’m going to buy out our contract from Pete, right?” Jamia says.  “As soon as Skeleton Crew gets big enough to handle us, I’m buying our contract.” 

“Jamia, that won’t help us at all,” Matt mutters.  He  slumps back in his seat.

“Thanks for answering my questions, guys.  Remember, this article will be in the August summer issue.  Bye!”  The journalist hangs up before Maja or anyone else can ask her to keep it off the record.

Jamia groans.  “That bitch.”

“I’m calling Pete,” Ashlee says, grabbing her cell phone off the counter and dashing outside the bus.  Vicky gets up without a word and takes off in the opposite direction.

Matt taps Maja’s thigh carefully.  “Just so you know,” Matt says.  “I feel the same way you do, only I think in five years we’ll still be touring once a year.  You should have more faith in us, Maj, because we’ve got faith in you.”

She wishes it were that simple.

 

****

 

Once they're all gathered together, Paul smiles at them. 

It’s been a tense couple of days with no one wanting to spend more than a few minutes in each other’s company, but things are almost back to normal, so long as no one mentions the white elephant. 

“Okay, you're all here so I can introduce Tom Conrad, my replacement guy.  Everyone, give up for Tom.”

The gang all look at one another with various levels of confusion and politely clap.  Pete and Tom walk into the room once the applause starts.  Pete, looking painfully like an Old Navy model, grins at all of them, bowing and thanking them profusely for their applause. Tom doesn't seem to appreciate the attention, however. He's slinked off to a corner, scowling and smelling faintly of bourbon.

“Tomrad here is going to be an awesome handler, guys.  All he needs is a bit of training from Paul, and then everything will be cool.  If you have any questions, ask Matt or call me.  I have to go check on Ryan Ross. Christ, I'm twenty minutes late.  See you,” he says, dashing off the bus.

“Nice to meet you again, Tomrad,”  Ashlee says smiling, sticking out her hand for a handshake.

Tom scowls.  “I'm going to Jon's bus,” he says and leaves without bothering to close the door behind him.

Vicky turns to Matt, glaring.  “That’s who you let Pete pick as a handler?  What were you thinking?”

Maja suddenly remembers who Tom is. A member of The Academy Is…  She met him when they all went on tour together.  He looks so different from the carefree young man she knew then.

“I was thinking we need a handler,” Matt says shrugging, “ Pete was thinking that Tom should be near his best friend when he’s just been kicked out of his band, stay busy so he has something to keep his mind off things, and that he should be near someone who’s been through the same thing.” 

“His band kicked him out?” Ashlee says.  Her eyes soften.  Maja knows those eyes are a sign that Tom is going to stay their handler no matter how badly he does his job.

Matt looks down at his shoes, uncomfortably.  “Bill, actually, was the one who- umm, let's just say Tom would have started the job sooner, except Pete was waiting for Bill and Christine to fly back first.”

Jamia sputters, “How can you screw a guy who did that to your friend?”

Maja’s eyes fly open.  She has to pound on her chest to keep herself from choking on her coffee.  Matt carefully gets up from the tables and goes into the back lounge.  It’s only a few seconds before they hear the rhythmic whack, whack, whack of Matt’s punching dummy.

“This can’t get worse,” Victoria groans.

There’s a knock at the door of the bus.  Paul’s voice trickles through.  “Hey, there’s a Frieda Sato waiting for Maja at Security checkpoint four?”

Ashlee punches Vicky in the shoulder as hard as she can.  “Stop tempting fate.  You are the reason we can’t have nice things.”

 

 ***

 

Maja loves the kitten from the moment she sees her.  Bamboo is a sleepy tabby and the runt of the litter, prone to falling asleep inside Ashlee’s acoustic guitar case.  

Frieda brings with her a knapsack full of books, a duffle bag full of clothes, and a kitten.  “I named her Bamboo.  She’s ours.  I know you want kids, but that's a really big step Maja.  Kitten first, then maybe if we're ready we can take the next step.”

Her reunion with Frieda is wonderful, but somehow lacking.  Frieda’s touch feels amazing, and Maja could listen to her complain about her classes forever.  However, after their hug at the airport, Frieda doesn't smiled once.

Instead, she pretends to smile. She waits backstage during their shows, and she sits with Maja in the merch booth, and they go on dates together, but no matter how long their dates or how many bad jokes Maja tells her, Frieda's lips stretch mechanically. There is no laughter in her eyes any more.  Maja wants to bring that spark back, the way Frieda convinced Maja to give music another shot.

There are nights when Frieda begs off spending time together and just sits in the back lounge with Tom and Matt, drinking her way through Tom’s seemingly endless supply of whiskey and bourbon.

Vicky sends Maja worried looks and Ashlee keeps offering to watch television with her.  The worst of it is when Veronica sits down next to her and says, “Drew and I broke up because we weren’t growing in the same direction.  Make sure you guys are growing in the same direction before you kill yourself trying to be who she wants you to be.”

It’s humiliating that they all think she and Frieda will fail. They can work.  She knows they can work.  

When she was first invited to join the Sounds, Frieda paid their most of their bills on top of being Maja’s biggest cheerleader.  She would clap at the end of every sound Frieda sang and go see every single one of their concerts.  When the band became more successful Frieda started going to school fulltime and stopped going to their concerts but she still packed a lunch for Frieda every morning and she never forgot to pack dried bamboo flowers in Maja’s napkin. 

Maja doesn’t want to live in a world where she doesn’t love Frieda.

 

***

 

It slips out during a party thrown by the Panic boys.

“Wow, you guys are amazing.  I can’t believe you two worked through Maja’s cheating thing like it was nothing.  That’s true love, am I right?” Pete says, braying his laughter.  It takes him a few seconds to notice no one else is laughing.

“Fuck,” he says.  “Oh, fuck."

Frieda’s expression shifts back and forth from furious to disappointed to insulted and back.  “Is that why you were so attentative during this tour?  You were having an affair?”

Maja’s looks around the room.  People are turning to watch them as Frieda’s voice rises.  “Could we please talk about it somewhere else?”

“No,” Frieda yells.  “No, if you are going to sleep with another woman while you are in a relationship with me, then your friends have a right to know.  Who was it?”

Maja sees Amanda in the corner, standing in the far corner with Brian freeze.  Brian and Spencer quietly hustle Amanda over to the door, while Frieda screams.

Maja listens to every word, in tears.  It doesn’t last long and it ends the way she thought it might end.  “I’m leaving you tonight.  Don’t bother calling me.”

Maja watches her leave through the same door Amanda left a few minutes ago and stares at it.

Sometime later she feels Ashlee hook her arm in Maja’s.  “Come on, I booked us a hotel room.  We’ll stay up and braid each other’s hair.”  While Frieda clears out, is what Ashlee means.

***

She doesn’t really pay attention the rest of the night.  The world slips by in a blur.  The only thing that distracts her from losing herself in tears is Ashlee's stupid, nonsense tv show about the mother and the daughter. Gilmore something.

She remembers Jesper stopping by and she’s pretty sure Johan actually braids her hair. 

The first time she and Frieda had fought it was over Maja spending too much time at home.  Frieda had said Maja would never amount to anything if Maja wasn’t putting her music out there and Maja hadn’t outright said that she was worried Frieda would leave her if Maja wasn’t home each night, but Frieda had understood it without saying.

Frieda had locked Maja out of the apartment and refused to let her in until she had proof that Maja had been out playing.  So she played and came home to a hot dinner and a firm ‘I told you so.’  That night is the night when Felix and Johan first heard her play and sing.

Tom fills in for Maja for three nights while she tries to break out of the depression.  She has to admit, she’s not trying very hard.

After Frieda left, Ashlee discovered Lilac in her guitar when she went to restring it.  Maja keeps Lilac with her as much as possible.  The cat smell is slowly overpowering the smell of Frieda’s shampoo on her pillow.

Frieda’s phone is disconnected.  She doesn’t know how to recover from this.

 

***

 

She thinks she’s dreaming at first because she hears Amanda’s voice say, “You let her fester how long?”  This is a nightmare, most likely.

Then the curtain is pulled aside to reveal Amanda in striped stockings, zipper dress, cowboy hat and all.  She recoils in disgust, when she gets whiff of the smell and then leans out the door to shout:  “Ashlee, get over here!” 

Ashlee appears next to Amanda.  Confused, Maja squints carefully looking at each of them.

Amanda cups her hands around Lilac and hands the kitten to Ashlee. “Wash this kitten in the sink, while I shove the other in the shower.”

“What,” Maja says blearily before Amanda pulls her out of her bunk and off the bus in a fireman’s carry.  Tom jumps up from his lawn chair beside the bus and follows them. 

“Hey, what do you think you're doing with her?” he asks.

Maja closes her eyes and listens to the steady beat of Amanda’s heart.  It’s the realest sound she’s heard in days. 

“I'm gonna fix her.  Where’s the shower?”  Tom directs them.  He's just sober enough to be able to draw them a map to go with the directions. Maja showers alone, once Amanda shoves her in the room and tells her she has twenty minutes to come out perfectly clean.

 

***

 

It’s a quick hop into The Hushies van and a short out to the city park.

Amanda takes a pair of guitar cases off the bus and leads her to the central square.  It's a small park, tiny flowers growing next to the walking paths and children playing on swings.  Maja would have done nearly anything to raise a family with Frieda.  She would have been an amazing mother.

There’s a small crowd of people gathered around the square.  Mostly young people, a few older.  it's an eclectic mix  with plenty of other park attendants walking by curiously.

“Twitter, it’s a beautiful thing.  Come on, we going to busk.”  Amanda pulls the hat off of her head and tosses it down.  She puts one guitar case in Maja's hand and forces Maja to sit on the edge of the fountain.  The churning water is like a quiet percussionist behind her.

Maja  curls one hand around the neck of the guitar and the other flat against the strings.    She smiles weakly at the crowd.  She has a thousand things to say and she doesn't have a clue where to start.  Amanda settles next to her  and raises her brow into an expectant stare. 

Maja carefully pulls her feet out of her shoes, putting her feet down on the bare dirt where countless shoes have done a good job of packing the dirt too tightly for any life to take hold.  She toes the tiny patch of clover against the fountain foundation and smiles. “This song is called Night After Night.”  She doesn't introduce herself.  Today she doesn't want to be anyone in particular.

When she strums the first chord, she feels alive again.  She feels real.  She doesn’t feel whole and she doesn’t feel healed, but something is better than nothing.  Something is enough to keep her alive.

 

***

 

She goes back to the bus and throws out all her pictures of Frieda.  She  pulls everything out of the bunk that needs to be laundered and changes into clean clothes for soundcheck.  Tom’s already slug the guitar over his shoulder when she arrives.

She taps his shoulder twice to get his attention.  “May I step in?”

With a small scowl, Tom hands her the guitar.  Maja’s learned to read the degrees of his scowls the way Ashlee reads Matthew's shrugs.  Tom is happy for her.  She gives him an honest smile in return and steps into the spotlight.

She places her hands on the strings and everything feels right.  She walks up to her mic and winks at her bandmates who staring with their mouths  open. She made a point of not warning them about performing again.  She grins at her friends before she leans into the mic and stares out at the crowd.

"Hello, my friends.  I know I'm late to our show, but I'm starting to feel better. I hope you'll forgive me but I seem to have lost my shoes. Better luck next time, then."


	4. IV. Victoria

Vicky's not sorry to see the Summer Headlining tour end.  As much as she loves spending time with Ashlee and Maja and the rest, she really misses her guys. Frankly, the note the interview left them on was more complicated than Vicky likes her band relationships to be.  Plus Maja's emotional insanity.  Vicky hates drama more than she hates cats.  She's got nothing personal against Bamboo, but a kitten is just a prologue to a clawed menace.  Gizmo is just perfect on his own.

The flight back to Jersey is longer than she'd like, and the in flight movie reminds her of Guy Ripley.

She would have rather died than admit it, but the tour left her painfully homesick for Cobra Starship and their stupid parties.  Every time she saw a red plastic cup, she wanted to duck into her bunk, curl around her MacBook, and watch her secondary family do ridiculous things on TAITV reruns.

An airline attendant asks her if she'd like the airline headphones.  Vicky smiles, eyelashes fluttering just so and says, "No, thank you."

The man stutters some response. Vicky isn't paying attention to his words, but the way he blushes softly.   Nothing like a little powerplay to cheer a girl up.  She steals a pair of headphones from his basket when he leans over her seat to offer them to the old lady next to her.

It could be the theft or the excitement about going home, but she's never liked a Woody Allen movie so much.

 

***

 

Nate's at the airport to pick her up.  She sees the sign before she sees him.  It says Vicky-T in huge violent purple letters with neon snakes painted in the corners.  She can't help but smile when she sees it's Nate holding the sign over his head at baggage claim.

"You look fantastic," she says. The truth is, for Nate, he looks really shitty.  A slightly stained wife-beater, his old TAI party jeans and his hear smells sweaty and wooden like it does on tour, but he looks so hopelessly Nate Navarro that she can't help but throw both arms around him and drag him close for a hug.  "C'mere midget man," she mumbles into his hair.

"You always smell nice.  It's not fair," he mumbles back, squeezing with both arms.  It hurts a little but Nate's hugs are always strong enough to leave a ghost of a hug on her skin.

She pulls back and ruffles his hair, twitching her nose twice when she does it.  He tries to fend her off, but he gives up in the end.

"I am a grown man," Nate says.  "You know. In case you forgot."

She smiles, "Uh-huh.  Very, very grown up.  A real big boy."  She doesn't have any baggage to search for.  She's always lived by the one duffel rule.  So long as she mostly packs dresses, she can pack two weeks worth of outfits into one bag.  Even Alex always brings more luggage than Vicky.

Nate's parked at the entrance of the airport.  For once Vicky is not the one in the driver's seat.  Usually it's her or Nate picking up Alex and Ryland from a This is Ivy League  tour and everyone meeting up in Gabe basement.

It's a rainy day and she loves the sight of the raindrops against the window pane.  Like the world is washing away all the stupid mess from dealing with the girls and she gets to come back home as a real cobra.  "Fuck," she says.  "I think Gabe's finally brainwashed me with all that fucking Cobra gibberish."

Nate glances away from the road for a second, "Hey, that's my Cobra you're fucking."  He winces.  "Okay, that didn't come out right."

Vicky flicks the ash from her cigarette at him but can't keep herself from smiling.   She presses the button to the window when they reach a red light and end up next to a car full of teenagers.  "Throw up your fangs!" she yells to the car next to them.  One of the kids on the other side yells, "Oh shit," and leans over his friend's lap to flash her Cobra Fangs.

Vicky laughs.  She really, really missed her fans.

Her window rolls up.  She glances over at Nate.  "No rain in my car," he says wearily.

She sticks her tongue out at him.  "Spoil sport."

 

***

 

Gabe's house is really nice.  It's a quiet two story house, plus attic and basement.  The story as Vicky knows it is that he paid off the mortgage for his father as soon as Cobra started making enough money to afford it.  The Gabanti swears up and down that he hasn't changed a thing since they moved in during high school, but Vicky really doubts that Gabe's always had a vibrating four poster bed in his basement, let alone a disco ball and a leopard throw rug.

Then again, there's an old washer and dryer combo in one corner with a pile of dirty laundry and a Panasonic old enough to have a dial and no remote, so he may have only added a couple items here and there.  The first time she met Gabe's father, he had a curling smile and a soft, Spanish accent when he read the Haggadah.  Dr. Saporta's hands always had a slight coating of dirt from his rose bushes.

Nate pulls into the short driveway and all Vicky can see are those roses, big and pink in front of the soft grey tiles outside his home.  The grass is brown at the edges and the rain's left puddles on the walk up to the door.  She leaves the duffel in the car - Nate's going to drive her back to the apartment anyway, no point in unloading.

She rings the doorbell once, Vicky's got too much class to just barge in.  She hears a burst of barking at the sounds of the doorbell and she's not crying, she's not crying because of how much she missed Gizmo and his tiny paws.  The door swing open, leaving the screen door between her and Alex Suarez who has his underwear on his head. Tightey Whiteys with PROPERTY OF SUAREASY written in black sharpie along the elastic.  Vicky tilts her head, taking in the scene while Alex freezes.

"Nate said you weren't coming back until Friday," he says.

She hears Ryland's voice in the distant yell, "Vicky-T, that you?" and her face hurts, she's smiling so hard.

"Alex, it's Friday," she says amused.  "Yeah, it's me!" she adds, voice rising to  reach Ryland.  Alex lunges at her but he hits the screen door.  Vicky can't stand the thought of waiting so she scrambles to work the handle while Alex does the same thing on his side.  Their overeager efforts end in the screen door slamming against her nose and forehead before they sort themselves out and Vicky's wrapped up in her favorite Alex and his stupid Cheetos stench.

"Vicky-T!  Vicky-t! You are forbidden from leaving us for another band again," he yells.  She feels something slam against her back, tall and wiry.  She can tell by the long fingers and the rough calluses that it's Ryland squeezing her.  "Vicky-T" he moans, low and breathy in her ear.  She's laughing and crying at the same time, and she doesn't know why other than she's so happy, she's-fuck, she missed her boys.

She hears Gabe's annoyed voice faintly from outside her boy cocoon. "Move!  I want my Vicky-T," he shouts over and over again.  When Alex and Ryland finally pulls away, Gabe's looking at her with a new fade haircut and a vulnerable expression she hasn't seen since the Snakes on a Plane tour.

"Gabanti," is all she manages to say with her voice shaking before Gabe lifts her off the ground with him arms and pulls her into a tight hug.  She wraps her arms around his neck to keep from feeling like she's about to free fall.  She can feel the chain of his Justin Timberlake necklace between her wrist and his neck.  She hears him murmur Victoria in her ear, soft and needy.    Fuck, she missed her family.

She hears Gizmo's nails clicking on the linoleum and she can't help put push Gabe away so she can crouch down and have Gizmo run into her arms.  "Gizzie!"  His hair was wilder than she'd last seen him, but him breath was that same purine smell.  He licks her cheek and barks excitedly.  She loves the way his tiny paws feel against her chest and she can't help but nuzzle him back.

"Inside, come on, before the neighbors think I'm not having an orgy," Gabe says, ushering them all inside.  She heads the way to the basement.

It still looks exactly the same.  Funny how much you can miss a sketchy orange stain in the corner until it's no longer in your life.

Nate fetches everyone beers from the mini fridge, passing them around the five of them.  Vicky settled on the zebra throw rug so she can play with Gizmo.  Ryland and Alex take the sofa.  Nate's comfortable enough to lie down on the four poster next to Gabe.  "Why haven't we done a That 70's Show parody yet?" she asks the air.

"Hey, hey, I have waited a long time for this gossip.  Spill, Victoria." Alex says, pointing the neck of his beer at her. 

Ryland nods, "Yeah, Vic-tor-ri-ah, tell us, what goes on behind the camera?"  He fakes a yawn, stretch his arms high in the air and stealthily sneaking his arm around the back of the sofa where Alex is sitting.  Vicky, Nate and Gabe start snickering.

"Okay, Okay," Vicky says.  "I'll spill, guys."

She tells them everything. 

She starts with her new fans.    They all have that Cobra look to them, kids who want to party and have fun, even if it's a darker angrier look than she's used to seeing.  She tells them of course about what it's like to deal with the most inexperienced handler in the world, sweet enough to remember every tour persons birthday in the universe.  She mentions the hilarious "WE BELIEVE IN ASHKY-T" poster one of the fans asks her and Ashley to sign that lead to explaining to Ashlee just what the hell Ashky-T is.

She briefly touches on the sudden death in Ryan Ross' family and how William Beckett came back to finish the tour.  She touches on just who Tom Conrad is and why he's their new handler.  She touches on the bromance developing between Jamia and Matt.   She even tells them about how Frank Iero proposes to Jamia on the phone every time he gets drunk.

She doesn't mention how tired Jamia and Matt were, constantly working on Skeleton Crew any moment they weren't onstage.  She doesn't talk about how badly Maja withdrew from everyone after her girlfriend left her during that screaming row.  She doesn't mention how shitty she feels over taking Paul's virginity and making fun of him for it.  She doesn't mention how Ashlee refuses to ever turn her phone off in case Pete calls even though he stopped texting her when they 'broke up'.  She sure as fuck doesn't mention playing referee with Jon between William, Christine, and Matt.

She does say over and over again that Jon Walker is a gift from God.  Apparently, part way through retelling the hair pulling session that had to break up backstage, Nate interrupts her to ask nervously, "You are going to leave Cobra Starship for Jon Walker, are you?"

Ryland nods seriously, "Just because this band's an open relationship, does not mean you can leave us for Jon Walker and his Disco boys."

"Your mom's an open relationship."

Nate lets out a long suffering sigh.  "Thank you, Suarez, for that stunning display of maturity."

"Everyone knows your mom’s maturity and I had an open relationship all night long," says Gabe, wagging his eyebrows suggestively.  Vicky snorts behind her hand.

She waves her arms, a little less gracefully than she'd like, three beers on an empty stomach will do that to a girl.  "It's sweet you guys are worried, but I'll always be a Cobra.  I even have this idea."

Gabe slithers off his bed and on to the ground next to her.  "OH?" he says.  "Do tell."

"How do you guys feel about making an artistic home video for It's Warmer in the Basement?"

If she didn't know Gabe was harmless, the smile he shows Vicky would be enough reason to mace him in the eyes.  Alex and Ryland look just as thrilled but Nate looks slightly terrified.

As he should be.

 

***

 

It takes four days days to film the footage.  One day to film everyone with their instruments in the basement. One day to go through Vicky's apartment and get all the supplies for the shoot.  One night to break into Nate's apartment and abduct him.  One day to tie him up and film him crying in Gabe's basement.

"Shouldn't you wriggle?  Fight the bonds?" Alex says from out of the shot.  Nate just rolls his eyes and swings his body weight from side to side.  It almost looks like dancing which is kind of perfect for one of the sequences Vicky wanted to edit in.

The basement door swings open to reveal a tiny old hispanic woman with a tray at the head of the stairs.  "Gabriel," she calls in a soft voice.  "I brought you and your friends cookies."  Gabe's grandmother had come for a visit a couple days before and spent most of her free time baking food and trying to feed the Cobra's with it.

Vicky kind of idolizes her a little.  Warm black eyes, white hair, and a stubborn jaw line makes her Cobra's prettiest grandma by unanimous Cobra vote.  She's also got balls of steel, because she takes one look at Nate and then beams at Gabe.

"I got your grandfather the same way!    Este chico siempre era mi favorito," she says, putting a cookie in Nate's dropped jaw.  "Tying up your lover is a Saporta family tradition, mijo.  Welcome to the family. I'm coming down later with alguito later, Gabi.  Have fun."  With that she turns around and heads back up the stairs, closing the door behind her.

Vicky can barely hold the laughter in until she leaves.  Alex loses it as soon as he sees her gag Nate with the cookie.  Ryland on the other hand watches her walk away, eyes glazed and says, "Gabe, you have to let me marry that woman.  She's perfect."

Gabe shrugs pleasantly, smiling at them.  "My abuela can make up her own mind.  If you're a lucky guy, you too can be in her basement."

Nate manages to swallow his mouthful finally.  "I hate all of you.  So much.  If I scream and cry, will you untie me?"

The four other Cobras look at each other carefully.

"Nope."

"Oh hell, no."

"Gotta keep up appearances for la abuelita."

Vicky just smirks at him and zooms in closer.  She wants to capture his tears in high definition.

 

***

 

"It's Warmer In the Basement" hits YouTube two weeks after Vicky gets back.  She sends a link to all her band members and then to Pete on a second thought.  it spreads through the internet like wildfire.  Something about Nate Navarro being duct taped to a chair next to Gabe's dirty laundry really appeals to 4chan. Nate sends her an excited text message when he finds out:

_they say only ceiling cat can save me now!_

She even manages to squeeze in the footage of Gabe's grandmother feeding or possibly gagging Nate with baked goods at the end of the video.  A fan sends her an email with a a picture of t-shirt bearing a screen cap of the scene and the lettering "I HEART GRANDMA SAPORTA."  She emails back asking for a copy of the T-shirt and wears it when she boards the tour bus for the big "Bringing Sassy Back" tour.

 

***

 

"Hey, new application on facebook I decided to try out."

The video on Vicky's MacBook moves, as if the camera is shaking.  She can see Matt's hand on the bottom right of his laptop panning the webcam in a circle around her apartment.  Her plants looked alive from where she could see, and her piles of dirty laundry were still there.  She wasn't sure if she should be disturbed or relieved that he hadn't done any cleaning.  The screen finally settle back on Matt with stubble and more surprisingly, hair dyed blond white.

"Gizmo, say hi,"  he says before leaning over from  desk to pick up Vicky's favorite dog in the world.  Gizmo squirms in Matt's grip, looking at Matt with confusing.    Matt just points at the web cam a few times and the gives up, sitting Gizmo on his lap.

"Okay, so that didn't work.  I know you've only been gone for an hour but I figured you might wanna see your fucking dog, or, uh, something."  He looks off camera for a moment and shrugs.  "Send you another video in a week."  His hand flickers on the mouse pad and she sees his squint at the screen before the video comes to an end.

Vicky tries to replay the video but Alex  comes back on the bus right then, laughing loud enough to wake the fucking dead.  She drops her cigarette in a mug of stale coffee someone left out and checks out Alex' friend carefully.  Dark eyes, beginning of a scruffy beard and the kindest smile she's seen in fuck off forever.

Nice smile, check.  Photogenic eyes, check.  Slight scarring around the wrists, mmm possibilities.  Ridiculous wig, interesting.  Rapist mustache, awkward.

Alex finally notices that Vicky's in the room because he stops telling his Guy Ripley anecdote and  waves at her.  "Victoria Asher, James Dewees." Then, to James, "Jimmy boy, this is Vicky-T."  James makes a pointed noise in his throat and Alex laughs.

"Sorry, man. Vicky-T, this is Paco.  He's with Reggie and the Full Effects." 

Vicky purses her lips feeling amused and a little bit annoyed.  On one hand, Paco?  On the other hand, she's starting to feel like the only one on this tour without an alternate personality.  She settles for amused and flashes James something between a smirk and a smile.  Her holds out her hand for a polite handshake.

James gives her back a lecherous grin.  He takes the hand she offers and places a small kiss just below her wrist.  His fake moustache makes her skin itch but the gentle way he touches her makes Vicky feel warm inside.  "Paco is always glad to meet a saucy senorita."  He waggles his eyebrows suggestively and Vicky's laughing a little louder than she normally would.

Alex doesn't miss the implication.  He gives Vicky a scathing look and turns to James with an easy smile, fake as Gabe's bling, "I have some band stuff to take care of.  See you in a few."

James  nods in his direction and waggles his eyebrows at Vicky, making her laugh again before getting off the bus.  Alex turns back to Vicky the moment the door shut behind him.

"Okay, no.  Veto.  He's a decent guy in the middle of a rough divorce.  If you do anything with him, you will be gentle as a spring rose."  Vicky rolls her eyes at him but Alex just snaps his fingers in front of her.  She hasn't seen him this serious in a while.  "Please, Vicky-T.  He's a nice guy."

"Nice guys can enjoy flings,"  she fumbles with her cigarette carton to pull out another.  Fucking Virginia slims.  "Sound check posted on the fridge?"

Alex nods, and then raps a series of knocks on the table.  "So, Vicky-T," he throws in casually.  "Did you know your handler is passed out drunk in the back of the Cobra bus?"

Vicky leaps up from the table.  She goes into the bunk room and starts shoving back curtains.  Gabe curls away from the light source and Ryland blinks at her confused but finally all the way in the back she pulls the curtain back and finds Tom Conrad asleep, drooling on Nate's pillow with Nate clutched in his arms like a teddy.

"I didn't have the heart to make him get off me," Nate says before craning his neck backwards to look at Tom regretfully.  "Now he won't let go."

Alex comes in, holding Vicky's video camera.  "Oh yeah, this is a video for Youtube.  See, Nate," he says.  "This is what happens when you leave the basement.  Your submission is Tom's addiction and his drool pillow."

Nate mumbles something and Vicky suddenly realizes how incredibly childlike Nate looks in comparison.  She crouches down and says, "How do you feel about a cobra remake of Home Alone?"

Nate smiles and says yes so enthusiastically, it makes Tom squeeze him harder in his sleep. "Goddamn it."

 

***

 

"Don't you ever check your messages?" Pete says annoyed over the phone.

"Nah," Vicky replies.  She misses house phones with their long curling cords.  She misses being able to twist her finger around them when she's annoyed. Hair just isn't the same.

Pete makes a low annoyed sound.  "Everyone else is safe and accounted for now.  Matt and Jamia are in Jersey and they have their own staff of handlers.  Joe Simpson's got Ashlee up to her neck in ex-marines.  Maja's with Ashlee and that leaves you."

"Tom was supposed to be temporary.  If I remember right, Peter, you said he needed something to keep him busy and keep him near Jon Walker," says Vicky.  "Jon Walker, if I remember correctly is currently in Chicago.  Why is Tom Conrad here on a Cobra tour?"

She called Pete in the twenty minutes before sound check to deal with the situation.  Tom, once he sobered up, had followed Vicky around like a hung over shadow, scowling in the corner of every bus she boarded and every building she visited.

"I don't need to be treated like one of the Panic boys," Vicky adds.

"Yeah," Pete's voice cuts in annoyed.  "You kind of do.  We Haven't Decided Yet may not be a household name but it's big enough that you guys have been getting threats and really creepy fan mail.  I am not going to play fast and loose with your life Victoria, so don't think for a moment that you can talk me out of this."

"Fuck me, then.  Tom needs his best friend.  You didn't deal with the fall out Mattie went through  when we started writing and you didn't have to watch Tom try to drink himself to death whenever he had five minutes to himself.  The Cobra bus is not a good place for him to be."  She hears a double rap on the bathroom door of the Cobra changing room. 

Tom's voice bleeds through the door, rough like he hasn't spoken in days. "Soundcheck in five."

Vicky looks at the clock anxiously to make sure he's not lying to her.  He's not.  "Look, Pete, I've got to go, but so you know?  This conversation is so not over."

"Whatever. It kind of is.  He stays."  Next thing she hears in the dial tone.  She hangs up a little rougher than she normally would and hurries out to grab her keytar for the soundcheck.

 

***

 

Their opening show on the Viva la Cobra tour that night feels different and it's throwing her off.

It's not that they haven't rehearsed with the music, they have.  Hours and hours of rehearsal in their studio space, in Vicky's apartment, in Gabe's basement... Heck, once Ryland got them all signed up for an open mic and they partied it up Cobra style in a sleazy club in Hoboken.

The weird part is that the crowd looks different.  Same party kids, same fangs being thrown up, but sometimes when she squints into the crowd she sees people who aren't decked to the nine in neons.  Girls and guys in tiny clusters in their crowd who are watching her instead of Gabe and a crowd up them, kohl marked and laughing at the front of the stage.

"Holy shit," she slips and Gabe sends her a quizzical look from center stage where he's singing and dancing to Prostitution is Revolution.  She realizes in horror that her microphone is in fact on.  She has fans from her god damned side project who like her enough to listen to a completely different genre just to watch her, Vicky-fucking-T, do her thing.

As soon as the song is over, Alex grabs her shoulder and pulls out her ear plug.  "Are you okay?  What was that?"  down center stage Gabe's cracking jokes to the audience while everyone else takes a quick water break, or in the case of Vicky, have a very quiet freak out.

She shakes her head, "I'm fine.  Look at the audience."

"Yeah, what of, cuz?" he whispers back quickly.

"I think-" she says in a rush.  "I think those emo kids are mine."  She jerks her head at the crush of dark clothed teens focused in front of her side of the stage.  Alex does a double take and bursts out laughing.  He dances away from her and before Vicky can grab her back, he's tapping on  Gabes shoulder and whispering something in his ear.

Gabe grins halfway during his speech and Vicky feels a sense of dread come over her. 

"By the way, Chicago, how many of you crazy kids have heard of We Haven't Decided Yet."  The crowd roars loud enough to make Vicky put her plug back in.  

He throws her a fangs up sign and Vicky can't get over her shock fast enough to even retaliate with a glare.  "For those of you who don't know, our amazing Vicky-T here has a side project girl band with some very cool people and they make some very cool music.  We were going to surprise her with this acoustic cover of their song, "Days That End in Y" at the end of the tour but since so many fans showed up, we just had to move the date up.  Hey, someone borrow a tambourine off of Johnson."  Gabe puts his mic back in the stand and ducks off stage while Vicky stands there watching them grab acoustic instruments from backstage.

She turns to the audience and says, "So you know, I really had no idea this way going to happen.  I-  Gabe?"

She cuts herself off because Gabe comes back on stage with his old bass from Midtown.  Even Nate comes back with a  pair of maracas in one hand and a tambourine in the other.

She stand there stage right and watches them cover "Days," her favorite song on their album, hands down.  She doesn't even look away from her guys to the audience.  It's the nicest gesture she's ever gotten from them and she can't help but tear up.  They haven't even finished their set.  At the end of the song, the four of them looks at Vicky-T and mouth "We love you Victoria" in imperfect unison.

Vicky wipes under her eyes carefully with a thumb and smiles at them so hard her face hurts.  "Fangs up for the boys in the band," she mumbles into her mic and she's glad to see nearly all of her emo kids throwing up fangs.

 

***

 

Leaving the venue is a fucking nightmare.  The five of them had originally planned to go out drinking but there's a scary ass horde of people between them and their bus.

It's the first time on the new tour that Vicky's grateful for Tom.  He sticks right at her side and keeps the hands off of her.  He's polite and courteous with the fans, but he has no problems shoving one persistent guy right into the hands of venue security.

The five minute walk from earlier in the day takes them nearly half an hour.  Some time during the mess Ryland turns to Vicky, and says, "When you said crazy you really meant batshit insane."

Vicky nods at the time.  When they get back to the bus she thinks they didn't look crazy so much as desperate.  She won't put up with crazy but desperate is something Victoria knows she can work with.  It makes her wonder.

"Hey, Gabe, who thought of doing a cover?  I really, really loved what you guys did out there." She says, hating the way she blushes when she's happy.

Gabe smiles at her easily, "Suareasy's friend James thought it would a be cool way for us to show support.  He came over and hung with me and Nate when we crashed This is Ivy League concerts."

Vicky tunes Gabe out when he starts talking about how much he loves being surrounded by musicians who understand the importance of music and so on.  She mostly nods while trying to stealthily steal James Dewees phone number off of Alex's cell phone.  Soon as she gets a hold of it, Alex should have known better than leave his phone to grab munchies at a gas station, she comes up with an excuse to leave.

Asking James out on a date is easier than she thought because the first thing James says after hello is, "Please tell me you're calling because you're interested.  Alex won't give me your number and your handler guy pulls out a hunting knife every time I go near your bus."

She laughs and clears up the whole confusion with a few careful lies about an over protective brother and a problem with her old phone number cutting straight to voice mail.  "But it's fixed now, if you want to get together sometime this week?"

It's a date.

 

***

 

James turns out to be touring with Reggie and the Full Effects, a series of concept albums that started over a really funny joke he cracked to one of his friends.  The date's not spectacular or anything, it's just shitty coffee in the venue.  There isn't even anywhere for them to spend some time alone.  They sit on crates next to the road.  She listens to him talk about his band and she spends a bit more time than she would have liked laughing about what she's done with Cobra. They spend the rest of the entire date talking about composers and the differences in working with keyboards and piano.

By the time Tom shows up to snatch Vicky for sound check, they've progressed to really dorky sex jokes.  "You should show me your fingering some time,"  Vicky manages to say between giggles.  Tom scowls so blatantly Vicky really can't blame James for pulling her into his lap on and throwing his head back to yell,"Forte, baby.  Forte, Forte.  Oh!  Victoria, forte!"

Vicky  has to grab him by the shoulders to keep from falling over laughing.  She does have enough sensibility to stand up when she sees Tom's hand start to form a fist. 

It's not like there's a chorus of Angel's singing hallelujah but James did make her laugh so Vicky doesn't feel odd about saying, "Pick me up for our second date tomorrow.  Three o'clock to meet my boys."

James gives her a thumbs up when she walks away arm in arm with Tom.  She smiles all the way back to the back lot.

Tom looks at her and sighs sounding aggravated to high hell.  "What?" Vicky demands.

"Paul was right," Tom says.  "You girls are pro's when it comes to music but you can't keep your private lives straight for shit."

If she has to explain it to one more fucking person.  Vicky rolls her eyes.  "I'm the stable one in our club.  I'm not the one who cries their heart out because someone doesn't like me and I don't put up with relationship bullshit. Tour boyfriends are a better hobby than knitting or drinking myself stupid."

Vicky glances back at Tom to see how he takes the reference.  He makes a face but he's not storming off so Vicky counts that as a win.  "Ran into William in Chicago in the layover time between tours."

"Shit." Can't imagine how bad that must have fucked with Tom's mind.  When Matt joined the band, he was a shaking antisocial bundle of neurosis.  Fuck, most days he still had trouble comprehending why someone would want him around when his oldest friends threw him out like yesterday's trash.  However, he had a few months between My Chem and We Haven't Decided Yet to get some of his shit together. Tom had a week and a flight.

Tom on the other hand watched his world fall apart and as soon as he was officially off the TAI bus, Pete made sure Tom didn't spend so much of a second alone by shipping him straight on to the Girl Band bus but Vicky doesn't want to watch Tom keep breaking.

He shoves his hands deep into his pockets.  "Whatever, fuck Beckett, man.  His drama queen bullshit is none of my business now and he doesn't have a right to try and drag me in the middle of his stupid life.  Watch your back with James."

 

***

 

The boys do a cover of "Days That End in Y" again.  Vicky cries a little again, though she denies it after. The audience doesn't have a ridiculous number of emo kids in the mix but enough for Vicky to be able to spot them out.  She doesn't know how to feel about the way fame's sneaking up on them.

She wonders if this is how Maja felt when they finished their tour.  The Sounds mixing with We Haven't Decided Yet and Frieda meeting Amanda.  She spends the night playing competitive Oregon Trail with Tom.

 

***

 

She's working on the Home Alone parody footage when there's knocks on the door to the back lounge.  "Hey, Vicky-T," Ryland's voice drifts through the door.  "Peter Cottontail showed up to take you raving."

Vicky clicks Post Entry on her livejournal and glances at the clock on her screen.  Three ten.  Shit.

Quick mirror check to make sure her hair isn't too ridiculous and she ducks out into the main lounge.

She has to pinch herself to make sure her eyes aren't deceiving her.

In the tiny space between the sofas, Gabe, Alex, Ryland, and Nate are all clustered around James who, if she's not having the greatest dream of her life, is wearing day glow orange shirt, hot pink shorts, a pair of bunny ears, and a puffy cotton tail. Gabe waves hello at her when he sees her come in. 

It's enough of a movement to make James turn around.  His shirt says "Ask me about my cabbage patch" in sharpie and he's wearing a pair of handcuffs around one of his wrists.  He twiddles his fingers in her direction.  It's the weirdest kind of wave she's ever seen, and she loves him for showing up and being wonderful.

"If this is inappropriate, I also own a bear suit," James says cautiously. 

Vicky throws her arms around him, grinning so hard it hurts.  "This is perfect, James.  You look fantastic."

Somewhere behind her she hears Alex yell, "Marry me!  I'll bring you honey and carrots every day. Twice on Wednesdays."

Nate asks absentmindedly, "What happens Wednesday?"

"Hump day."

Vicky swats at Alex behind her with one hand, refusing to let go of her date.  "I apologize for my band," says Vicky. "They aren't used to gentleman callers."

Gabe eyes them over carefully.  Vicky doesn't know what he sees but he  nods once slowly.  "You two have my blessing. Lichiam."

Vicky smiles at him and pulls James off the bus as fast as she can manage.

 

***

James moves to take the van out of park but Vicky puts out her hand to stop him.  "There are three things you need to be okay with before we keep dating."  Vicky's voice is confident because she's said this speech enough time.  The first couple times, back before  Cobra was little more than a dream in Gabes eye, she would stutter the words badly enough that her boyfriends thought it was a joke.

She can tell by the way James turns the radio off that he finds it serious.  He tugs on his ear, chewing on his bottom lip before giving her a slight nod.  "Yeah, what's up Vicky-T?"

"First, this is for fun.  It's a long tour, so we can have a lot of fun, but I don't want you to think this is going somewhere really serious."  James looks a little crest fallen, but he  nods.

 Vicky holds up two fingers, "Second, I top in bed.  Always.  It's not a joke, you do not disobey me in a scene.  On dates, we are equals and in bed we are equals but we have to discuss what we want to do first. Everything gets discussed.  Non negotiable."

James'  breath hitches.  Vicky can't read him, not this serious and still.  She hasn't seen this side of him before, but there's a lot of James she hasn't seen.  She likes him.  Vicky has to admit to herself that she really, really likes him.

Vicky reached down under the dashboard and pulls out her purse.  She packed something in case the third date went well enough for them to have sex. She fumbles with the zipper and has to dig around before she takes out her favorite pair of handcuffs. 

"Third, I need to know your safe word."

He stares at her, then down to the handcuffs, and then back to her eyes. "Do you know how ridiculously hot you are?" he finally asks.  "It's like you walked right out of a wet dream or a vague morning after memory."  He laughs awkwardly and holds his wrists out for her to handcuff.  "It's been a while since I've done anything.  Even then, it wasn't- We didn't really know what we were doing.  So, uh, go easy on me?  My safe word is Missouri."

She's going to like this one.

 

***

 

When Vicky finally gets around to checking her email, she's shocked to find emails from everyone on the label.  Everyone.  Even emails from her parents and a few from Jamia's boyfriend's band.  The first few follow the same trend.

_Congratulations, you guys look adorable.  Best wishes! - Brendon Urie_

_Tasty <3 - Mike Carden_

_Is he permanent? Is that why Pete forwarded the pictures? - Maja_

_Can you please ask James to call us? It's about Warped Tour.  BTW You guys make a cute couple - Mikey Fucking Way_

_He looks like a keeper. - Ashlee_

_Before you call us looking for blood, Gabe forwarded the pictures to Pete.  It's totally not Pete's fault that he accidentally on purpose sent them to everyone we know.  Putting temptation in front of Pete's the same thing as telling him to do it!  If I catch you so much as yelling at him over this, I'm going to rip out your tongue.  Patrick_

_P.S. NOT KIDDING VICTORIA_

At this point, Victoria does what any reasonable woman would do.  She opens the zip file attached to the email and finds, inside, a couple dozen paparazzi photos of her and James on their second date.  Her and James leaving the venue in a taxi.  The two of them in a bistro.  James smiling at her.  Vicky watching him speak to the waiter.  Pictures of them kissing in various location.  A picture of them in James' van, mid scene.

"GABRIEL FUCKING SAPORTA YOU ARE SO DEAD."

"Run Gabe, she found out about the pictures!"  She hears the bus door slam in the distance.  Vicky is going to dismember him when she catches up.  So dead.

 

***

 

Gabe's pathetic defense for the pictures is "Cobra made him do it."  It's not something she can use to apologise to James.  She has got to apologise to James for the whole mess beyond a doubt.  She calls him in between their sets, after he's performed but before Cobra goes on.

"I'm so sorry about my band." 

James voice is reassuringly calm  and amused, "Don't worry about it.  They sent me emails telling me about how cute I am.  My sister's going to be so jealous that I have an email from Ashlee Simpson.  Teenage girls are the best."

Vicky didn't even know she was tense until she feels her body relax.  "You're definitely not mad?"

"The only person I pissed at is Otter who sent me an email with a picture of my fish.  How the fuck did he even break into my apartment?"  James lets out an easy laugh.  "That's Otter though, so I'm not even angry.  I won't know what to do if he wasn't a crazy asshole."

Why would James be talking about the girls, unless...  "James?" Vicky asks urgently.

"Victoria?" he replies in his Paco voice.

"Just to clarify, when you say you aren't angry at my band, you mean you are in no way upset that Cobra Starship followed us on our date, took pictures of us all night,and I do mean all night, and then emailed them to everyone we know?"

There's a long pause before she hears, "Cobra did what?"

"All night.  Two dozen.  I'll forward them to you now."  She opens up her email and looks for the message from Patrick, clicking on it and hitting the Forward button.

If it wasn't for the breathing on the other end, she'd think he had walked away from the receiver.  There's soft clicking noises, like a computer mouse on the other end.  "On one hand you look really hot," James says finally.  "On the other hand, your guy band is kinda psycho.  How do you feel about going to the movies for a third date?  There's no way they can take pictures of us in a dark theater."

She blushes and thanks god she managed to bribe everyone off the bus to make the call.

 

***

 

She still can't get used to the way people scream her name in between song or the way at after parties, the emo kids only seem to want to talk to her about We Haven't Decided Yet.  It keeps her a little worried and a little focused on Cobra than she realizes until Gabe calls her on it.

Chris V finally refuses to keep lock and popping for the camera so Vicky  puts the lens cap back on and rewinds the footage.  Gabe presses closer behind her.  "Gabriel, I'm not having super babies with you,"    She glances at him from the corner of her eye.  He's grinning like an idiot.

"I'm just happy I can look at your fabulous breasts.  By the way, why haven't you yelled at me for watching the twins?" 

Vicky rolls her eyes but Alex actually puts down his drink and hold his free hand in the air, "Hold on, hold on.  The man has a point Vicky-T.  You've been spending a lot of time with us and you haven't yelled at us for any of the shit we normally pull."

Ryland folds his arms. "You still haven't said anything about yesterday when Gabe tried to light his fart on fire and almost blew up the couch."

Nate glances at Victoria.  She tries to send him a pleading look.  Nate nods and jumps off the table, "Hey, dance party time!  Grind with me Gabanti!"

Gabe looks at Nate suspiciously, because Nate's never volunteered for anything involving grinding unless there's an ulterior motivation, but he takes the hook and turns up the dance music. 

As soon as everyone's dancing in the room, she shimmies her way through the crowd into the bunk space.  She grabs her laptop and climbs into Gabe's bunk.  He is going be busy dancing for hours and no one would think to look for her here.

She uploads a quick message to livejournal, checks her email for mail that doesn't involve Live Russian Hookers, and finally goes on to skype.  She double clicks Jamia's screen name when she sees her logged on.

Jamia looks fantastic.  She hair is sticking up in all directions but she's smiling and the lines around her eyes are gone.  A couple of B movie posters hang on the wall behind her and her desk is covered in papers and cookie crumbs.  Jamia holds a finger up to her mouth in the international sign for hush and disappears out of the frame.  Vicky hears a door slam.  Jamia comes back into the frame waving.

"Sorry, I have to lock the door or Frankie will barge in here for office sex or to settle a Leathermouth argument between him and Matt.  If it's not Frankie, it's Matt trying to get my signature on some paperwork or to settle Leathermouth bullshit.  If it's not them, it's some other asshole who should learn the meaning of it's my lunch break mother fuckers!"  Jamia yells the last part in the  direction of the door.  It's enough to make Victoria smile. 

It's impossible not to miss easy going Jamia with her open honesty and her stupid vegan crumbs everywhere.  "Hey Jamia! Nice to see Hansel and Gretel  have been by your office."

She flushes, "Shut up.  You have power ranger stickers in your bunk holding up your pictures of Gizmo."

"Touche," Vicky says grinning.  "What have you and the gang been up to?"

Jamia's eye light up bright as anything.  "Comic books!  Joey Southside's an artist we're trying to get published for sure.  You should see this kid's work.  Genius!  There’s a album release we're trying to advert the shit out of.  Not to mention Leathermouth."  Jamia scrunches up her face and sticks out her tongue.  "Ugh.  I love Frankie, but damned if Leathermouth doesn't turn him into a hyper-excited spoiled 12 year old shit.  I'm just grateful that whatever bad blood was between Mattie and Frankie is totally gone now.  They still fight all the time but it's affectionate, you know?  Bickering is the only way they know to communicate."

She shrugs, "They work weirdly good together.  I just wish it was the same for the rest of MCR. "  Jamia sighs, fiddling with the charm of her necklace.  "Ray Toro showed up with his girlfriend Krista to have a double lunch date me and Frankie, only Matt ran into Ray without us in the room to run interference.  Matt was a fucking mess afterwards.  He and Ray aren't telling us what went down when they were in the room together but it fucked Matt up real bad.  He broke the punching bag he keeps in the office."

Vicky can picture it, can see Matt locking himself into a room and coming out with red eyes, bleeding knuckles, and seven kinds of denial.  "He's fine though, right?  Other than nasty ex-band hang ups aside."

Jamia snorts and takes on a worried expression, "This shit with William Beckett and Christine is fucking with his head.   Don't you dare tell him I told you, but he's been on again and off again them since the end of the tour."

"Oh come on!  Didn't William freak out when he found out about Matt sleeping with the wife? And likewise?  What does Matt think he's doing?" Vicky snaps.  She peeks out the bunk to make sure no one over heard her yelling, then turns back to the soft glow of her monitor.  "Okay go on."

Jamia leans close and says softly, "Yeah.  The three of them slept together a couple times and then Christine had some sort of doctors appointment.  Next thing you know, Bill's asking Matt to give them some space.  Matt's freaking out, he think's it's cancer or something.  Now the other two aren't returning his calls."

"Oh, Mattie," Vicky sighs.  "That guy doesn't catch a break."

Jamia leans back and grins at her, smug and wide.  "In good news though, Ashlee has officially gotten to third base with Pete."

"What the hell?  No one ever tell me anything!" Vicky yells frustrated.  "No one in this band ever tells me anything."  She pulls at her hair.  She's grateful for the ear splitting loud music on the bus now. 

"Vicky," Jamia asks suspiciously.  "When was the last time you talked to anyone in we Haven't Decided Yet?"

Vicky bites her lip.  Technically, she emailed Mattie to tell him where he could pick up the keys for house sitting.  The last time he actually spoke to any of them was, "Other than this? The tour."

"Vicky," Jamia yells.  "Are you kidding me?  I thought Ashlee was joking when she asked Maja if you were still alive.  You can't just drop your other band when you're on tour with the first one.  First off, it's a dick move.  Second, your friends shouldn't have to rely on Pete Wentz to know if you're okay!  I've gotten more emails from your tour boyfriend than I've gotten from you."

Victoria thumps her head against the back of the wall and fumbles in her sweatshirt pocket for her cigarettes.  This should not be a nicotine free conversation.  "I'm not good at keeping up correspondence and I'm trying to make it up to the boys for ignoring them during our girl band time."

"You ignored Cobra for us.  There's bad and there's asshole, Victoria."  Jamia shakes her head.  "I have to go, my lunch break's almost over, but at the very fucking least, call Maj.  Ashlee's been trying to keep an eye on her but there's only so much one pop princess can do.  She needs her best friend right now."

_But I don't know what to say to her,_ Vicky thinks.  She nods miserably at the screen and turns off the video chat before Jamia does.  She chain smokes two more cigarettes before to leaves Gabe's bunk for the party.  "Dance time!"  She shimmies her way back into the crowd and stays there,  pop and locking with V and the rest. 

She can call Maja in the morning.

 

***

She gets distracted

"Vicky, Vicky, morning gorgeous."  James says over the phone when she answers.

"Do you have any idea how lucky you are that I'm a morning person?"

James laughs cheerfully.  "I know I have the best girlfriend in the world.  How tight is We Haven't Decided Yet's contracts with FBR and Decaydance?"

Vicky looks at her alarm clock on the pillow next to her.  7 AM.  "Why do you need to know at seven in the morning?  Nate is a total bitch about being woken up."

"Listen, I just got through listening to Red Suede Shoes.  It gave me an idea for a concept album for Reggie and I was wondering if you could check the red tape to see if it's even a possibility to ask you guys to record with me."

Vicky can picture sleep mornings in the studio with the girls munching weird wheat wraps and veggies in a sound booth with James croons a love song into a microphone.  She knows it's not really his style, but she can picture him winking at her and Vicky's surprised with how much she wants to see it.  She's always liked tour boyfriends to different degrees but James is someone she wants to keep around as a friend after "Bringing Sassy Back" is over.  She wants to see what color red Ashlee will turn when Vicky mentions how her boyfriend likes to wear a furry suit too.

"I'll ask.  It sounds like a really fun project that I'd love to be a part of."  She smiles in the dark space of her bunk, looking up at the ceiling.  She closes her eyes and it's almost like James is in front of her smiling.

She pictures his mouth moving when she hears him over the phone.  "Good.  Now, tell me how you feel about phone sex?"

"Hm," Vicky says.  "Depends.  How do you feel about more bondage?  I brought my toy chest on tour.  I'm thinking you'd look nice hogtied and gagged.  What do you think?"

She can hear his voice catch in his throat.  She pictures him the way she had him in the van.  Splayed out across the back seat of the van with his arms handcuffed behind his back and his moans barely muffled by the tie shoved in his mouth as a gag. 

"I really, really want to do this but I can't jack off and drive at the same time," his voice says shaking.  "I tried once in high school and I crashed my car into a moat."

Vicky laugh.  "A moat? Where are you from?"

"The safe-word state.  You are talking to the son of a preacher man."  She can hear the smile that curls into his self-proclaimed title. "Well, more of a pastor but close enough."

Her alarm goes off, and so do half a dozen over alarms in the bunks.  Vicky groans and rolls of to turn off her alarm.  "I have a phone interview this morning with the rest of Cobra.  Shit, sorry.  I have to go.  Call me in a couple hours and we can go explore Miami together, okay?

"Later."

 

***

 

Miami is sunny and abrasive.  She likes the way the sand scrapes the bottom of her flip flops and the way James winces when she touches his sunburns. She loves the way he's not afraid to grab her hand and drag her into an art gallery and the way his eyes get a little unfocused when she tugs at his hair.

They eat ice cream and go into shops to escape the heat, only to rush out again when the air conditioners start to make them shiver.  South Beach is like a horrible porn cliche but it doesn't stop her from having a really fun time.  Almost too much fun because they're  nearly late to James' sound check.  Vicky has to help him unload along with the techs just to make sure the schedule isn't fucked to high hell.  Tom even helps out, once he stops yelling at her for not letting him know her location. 

Tom looks like he's having a heart attack when he first shows up to berate her so she lets him get his fill in before she turns her back to him and starts moving an amp.

"I swear to god, Paul did not train me well enough to deal with this shit," he mutters next to her with a Bass drum case.  "I should quit and found a support group for Wentz' band boys who've been shafted.  Think Brent Wilson and Mattie will join if I ask very nicely?" 

Vicky does a double take to make sure it's actually Tom and not a shape shifting Dark Elf or something.    She gapes at him long enough that Tom glances at her, "What?"

"You're gonna have to invite Mikey Way if you're gonna do guys who've been shafted," Vicky says, nudging him with her hip.

Tom makes a face.  "Gross, Vicky-T.  Real smooth."

"I'm just saying," Vicky adds in a sing song voice.  "If you've counting Wentz' shafted boys, it's going to be a very big group."

They put their equipment down by the stage and are walking back to the van when Vicky feels hands grab her.  "Are you kidding me," she snaps, when she recognizes her kidnappers.

"Alex, Ryland, I'm going to kill you slowly.  This is a fact." she says venomously.  They let her go when they find a supply closet that fits the three of them.

It's not completely filthy, but there's dust everywhere and when they shut the door, the only light they have is a pale glow from the door frame, just enough to make out movement and body shapes. 

She can tell that Ryland is in front of her and Alex is to her left but she can't make much else.  She sneezes.

"Gesundheit.  This is the part where we are really serious and you pay attention," Ryland says.  Vicky feels herself stand a little straighter. The chances of this being a ridiculous Cobra prank are diminishing by the second.

Alex nods looking uncomfortable around the edges.  Okay, Definitely not a prank.  "You're kind of really bad at balancing your bands," Alex says finally. "We have it slightly easier than you since all members of This is Ivy League happen to be in Cobra, but you can't just turn yourself into an on off switch when if comes to your friends because you are in two bands.  It's not fair to you and it's not fair to u, your friends."  Alex puts his arm around her shoulders and draws her close.

"When girl band-"

"We Haven't Decided Yet," Vicky interrupts automatically.

Ryland glares at her and picks up from where he left off, "When your other band went on tour, it sucked having you pretty much disappear.  It sucked a lot. Talk to your other friends.  It's not neglecting us, and frankly, if you have enough time to fuck one of your boy toys, you have enough time to call your one of your friends who is having a shitty ass time."

Vicky feels like shit now that Ryland has put it that way.  it's not that she forgot, she just really doesn't want to deal with Maja.  That girl has problems that Vicky can't even begin to help with.  She doesn't know the first thing about codependency, let alone trying to deal with loosing the love of her life.  It's alien and uncomfortable, especially when she knows Maja is better off with Ashlee to comfort her.

Alex gives her a gentle squeeze.  "Bro's before ho's.  We'll give you bus space after the show tonight.  An hour.  Use it, kay?"

"Cuddle time now," Ryland says right before she feels him squeeze in on her other side.

 

***

 

She can tell how bad it is because Maja answers.  Unless it is business or Frieda, Maja makes a point of never answering calls from her friends, preferring to call them back at her convenience. 

"Victoria," Maja says wearily.  "I've missed you terribly."

"Likewise," Vicky says.  The bus, shockingly enough, empty.  Even the techs and Veronica and the other significant others hand emptied out.

"How are you?  I saw the pictures.  Ryland?"

"No, Gabe."

She hears Maja hum thoughtfully on the other end before replying, "I always thought he had disturbing eyes.  A good heart, but easily the eyes of a man who own a van with tinted windows."

Vicky snorts.  "I'll tell him you said that." Pause. "How are you?"

She hears shuffling and the click of a door closing.    Hell, another heart to heart.  Vicky braces herself for the worst.

"When I came back from tour, Frieda changed the locks on me.  Her friends will not speak to me.  She left my things in a garbage bag outside the front door.  She's still my Frieda." A pause.  "Ashlee's helping me take care of Bamboo.  Pets really know how to give unconditional love.  If it wasn't for them and Hemmingway, I do not know what I would do"  She hears a strange sound coming through the receiver and it takes Vicky a couple moments to realize that Maja is sobbing.

"Oh, Maj..." she sighs, and starts frantically looking around the room for one of Chris V's self help books.  Something that would say soothing bullshit.  She's about to look in the cupboards when the door opens and James comes in with Alex holding tight to his ankles.

James shakes his leg to try and dislodge Alex.  He mouths carefully, "Heard about the phone call.  Came to support you with the emo."  Vicky's so relieved to see him, she pulls the phone away from her ear and kissed James on the cheek.  She makes shooing motions at Alex and brings the phone back to her ear, feeling much more confident.  "Maj, your friends are here for you, okay?  Has Ashlee talked you into watching Gilmore Girls yet?"

Maja's voice comes in steadier, "Two seasons.  I do not understand all this rapidly spoken pop culture. Who is Paul Anka?  None of this show makes any sense.  Why can't she let me watch Spike TV?  Captain Picard is a perfectly healing force on his own."

Vicky smiles a little and reaches for James' hand.  She  likes the sympathetic shape of James eyes and the slow way he rubs his thumb over the pulse of her wrist when she threads their fingers together.  "Tell me about what's been going on."

She listens to Maja talk about trying to find an apartment in LA while she's with Ashlee and preparing for a mini tour with The Sounds.  She's half listening, throwing in nonspecific noises for Maja to know she's still listening.  She's paying more attention how warm James is next to her on the lounge sofa.  It feels like a short amount of time when her tourmates start to trickle back on to the bus and she has to end the call.  It's nice. 

The Cobra's don't say a single word about how he spends the night just sleeping in  her bunk.It's comfortable.  Vicky's not used to being this comfortable with someone outside of her bands.  She's surprised by how happy it makes her.

 

***

 

She spends the rest of her week with James or with her boys.  She thinks she might actually want to date James for longer than 'just a tour' when she figures out her big mistake.  Or rather, she wakes up to someone else figuring out her mistake.

Nate's face is barely a couple inches away from hers.  Vicky has to bite her lip to keep from screaming because of how startled she is.

"Don't speak," he starts.  "Shhh, wouldn't want to wake James behind you."

He pulls back a couple inches and Vicky's hands relax from where she instinctively fisted her sheets. 

"I got a call today."  His breathing is heavy and deliberate.  It disturbs Vicky more than the fire farts did when Gabe first started doing displays.

Nate stares directly into her eyes, like he's trying to bore something into her soul.  Vicky doesn't know what exactly she did to deserve this but it Nate, the perpetual insomniac is staring at her during the only times he ever manages to get any sleep, she knows it has to be bigger than eating the last of the hummus in the fridge.  "From Jamia Nestor."

"Apparently, you didn't get around to calling the rest of your band to warn them about your radio silence habit.  Ashlee, you see, freaked out when you didn't call her back when she finished her album. You see, she had this clear memory of you swearing you'd answer if she called after she finished up in the studio.  She called Matt first, who confirmed that you haven't contacted him in weeks.  Then they both called Pete.   Pete called Gabe, and when Gabe didn't answer, Patrick had the sense to call Jamia. She called me."

Nate, who hadn't blinked once during the entire speech, blinks slowly and deliberately.  "That phone call woke me up while I was sleeping, Victoria.  Now I'm awake.  You are going to be awake too.  You're going to wake up, make me a delicious breakfast, call Ashlee, clean my laundry and then you will talk to Gabe.  You are not the first person in Cobra to balance two completely different bands.  I'll be in my bunk."

Nate turns around, slow and inhuman in his movement and shuffles away in a zombie pace.  Vicky turns her alarm off and gets up to do what he ordered.

Cobra Starship rule #4, He who wakes Nate will be punished as Nate sees fit.  There's a reason the littlest dude of their band is also considered the scariest motherfucker.

 

***

Vicky finds Gabe parked out front with a pair of beach chairs with Tom. “Gabe, can I talk to you?” she says, squinting. The sunlight is stronger than she likes. Gabe’s wearing her aviator sunglasses which would explain why she couldn’t find them this morning. She sends Tom an apologetic look, “In private?”

Tom rolls his eyes but he does give up the chair without much grumbling. Vicky whispers a thank you in his direction and settles down next to Gabe. “I asked a couple people about balancing bands. I’m not doing so great right now with balancing and I would really appreciate your help.”

Gabe sits up and turns to look right at her. He pushes the aviators to the top of his head. “Why didn’t you come to me first, Vicky T? Between Midtown and Cobra I have learned thing. Tengo la experiencia!”

Vicky rolls her eyes but she knows if she’s going to make this work she has to talk to him. She also knows Nate’s going to do something horrible if she doesn’t. He shaved The Butcher’s head once when the guy pissed him off. She looks Gabe straight in the eye and asks, “Okay, so how do I make this work? I can’t lose them, Gabe. These people really mean something to me.”

“Time shares,” Gabe says seriously.

Vicky’s not sure if she heard right. “Time shares?”

“Time shares!” He grins and gesticulates his words. “Come on, Vicky-T! It’s how Billvy, Travis and I manage out awesome love triangle!” He grins at her, wagging his eyes suggestively until Vicky cracks a smile.

He add somberly, “Come up with a weekly schedule where you pencil in time to send emails and time for calling each of your friends so no one is ignored. Make a ticky chart so you know who you haven’t talked to lately. Travie and Billvy love my ticky charts.”

Vicky pulls out one of her cigarettes, another smile tugging at the corner of her mouth. “I know you aren’t actually sleeping with any of them,” she says.

“Shh,” Gabe says holding a finger over his mouth. “That’s not what the fanfiction says.”

That’s one thing the Cobras have over We Haven't Decided Yet. Better fanfiction writers. It also helps that Cobra gets a kick out of reading fanfiction about themselves. Vicky reclines in her beach chair, feeling at ease. “We've talked about this Gabe. No matter how awesome the fic we read during story time is, you are not allowed to try and reenact scenes.”

If there’s one thing Vicky knows she can do, it’s set up ticky boxes. Unlike some people (Ryland), Vicky’s really good at following schedules. This could work.

“I don't get to heal Gerard Way's broken heart with my penis?”

Vicky laughs so hard she starts to cough. Gabe, grinning like an idiot can’t stop, “What about Patrick Stump?”

Vicky can only manage to shake her head.

Gabe feigns disappointment and can barely keep from cracking up when he asks, “Can I still help Alex steal Ryan Ross from Pete Wentz?”

“I don’t need your help,” Alex’s voice yells through the driver side window. Vicky looks up at the window. Alex is sitting in the driver’s seat with a sheepish expression. “Damn it.”

“How long were you eavesdropping?” Vicky says politely, eyes anything but.

Nate’s voice floats in from out of sight, “He's only been there for the last part, Ryland's been there the whole time.”

Ryland stand up from where the dashboard blocks him from Vicky’s line of sight. “Tattle tale!” he hisses. Scuffle sounds pour out through the door.  Vicky laughs. She can’t wait to call Ashlee to tell her about her favorite dorks in the world.

 

***

 

majaivarsson87: i have sound check in twenty minutes i am going to kill jamia if she doesn’t log on soon

ironelfmaiden has joined the chat.

otterific_candy: back from a gig in lothlorian?

ironelfmaiden: STFU. I’m not the one with a goddamn pedo name.

AA_battery: hi jamia!

cobralingus_cam: how would you guys feel about playing a song on one of James new albums?

otterific_candy: dewees? YES

otterific _candy: YES YES YES YES YES FUCK YES

AA_battery: what exactly would he need?”

cobralingus_cam: we’d be playing his music. guitar work for ash and maja, bass for jamia, and drums all yours mattie. we’d also be doing some talking on the album. our contracts are loose enough for us to record with him no problem.

majaivarsson87: i am in i have to go.

majaivarsson87 has left the room

AA_battery: in

ironelfmaiden: in if it’s in jersey

otterfic_candy: HELLA FUCKING YES

cobralingus_cam: I’ll pass on the news

***

When the cobra tour ends Vicky goes straight home. The condo building has a fresh coat of paint on it, a nice creamy color that’s going to make every splatter of bird shit stand out like a lantern. Her front door is unlocked when she tries it.

Gizmo’s paws running are the first thing she hears before her dog’s paws are tugging at her jeans. “Gizzie!” She picks him up and nuzzles him. Gizmo just keep licking her cheek.

“Vicky?” Matt yells.

“Yeah, it’s me,” she says going into the apartment carefully. It’s almost exactly how she left it. Her dirty laundry is askew in all the same places. Her shoes are still scattered all over the living room. Gizmo’s toys are, thankfully, in different places otherwise she would have sworn she traveled through time. “You, uh, you didn’t clean.”

“You told me not to move anything. So I didn’t. You want me to help you clean up?” he says turning the corner and leaning in to give her an Eskimo kiss. Gizmo licks at both of them while they nuzzle.

“Oh god, yes. Here,” Vicky hand him her duffel bag full of dirty laundry. “You start running loads I’ll get the vacuum.” She sniffs the air as he walks towards her machines. “You didn’t have any trouble making my house smell like Magical Rainforest, I don’t know why you’re suddenly allergic to cleaning.”

The washers clangs open, “Work. I been busy. Jamia does some seriously heavy work that I’ve gotta help her with, then there’s helping Frank out with some of his crazier ideas, and then fucking Leathermouth.” He doesn’t scowl when he says it. Must mean he really has fixed his beef with Frank.  Weird.

They clean the entire apartment in six hours. Six hours to do five loads of laundry, wash dishes, clean the counters, and do a vacuum/polish on the floors because Matt had his own hamper full of crap on top of Vicky's piles and duffle bag.

They collapse on the living room hardwood floor after they finish up.   They ordered chinese to deliver and they have time to kill. Gizmo bounces in between them.  They take turns throwing a bouncing ball for him.Vicky figures now's as good a time as any to get gossip.

“Hey, Mattie.”

“Yeah?”

“What's up with Pete and Ashlee?” Vicky asks.

Matt lets out a sharp laugh, “They're finding new ways of being ridiculous. Pete will send Ashlee a break up text/email whatever. Ashlee will get outraged because as far as she knew, there was no relationship. They bitch at each other for a while, then one of them apologizes or Patrick yells at both of them and they hang out again. That goes on for an undetermined period of time until Pete breaks up with her. Rinse and Repeat.”

Vicky props herself up on an elbow to get a good look at Matt. She really, really wants to believe he's making this up but frankly, Matt doesn't lie and it does sound like the sort of thing Pete and Ashlee would do.

“And,” Matt says, arching an eyebrow, “A few weeks ago, Pete and Ashlee progressed to friends with benefits level where they cuddle with each other during their 'friend' period and have angry sex during their 'not dating' phases.  Maja's called me complaining about it a few times.”

Vicky drops back on to the floor. She wiggles until she's pressed next to Matt's side with Gizmo running up to her left side for ball throwing. “You know, normally I'd tell them to break it off but since this has been going on for almost a year, I'm pretty sure it's true love. Last couple times I've called her she's sounded really annoyed at him. It's not true love if you don't want to chop them into little pieces and hide him in the walls. Something I learned from Jumanji.”

Matt holds up both hands in front of them and folds back on of his thumbs. “Nine out of ten texts she sends are about Pete. I don't actually need to know why his choice in underwear is stupid.” He drops them on his chest, letting one of his elbows come to rest on Vicky's stomach. She doesn't mind.

Gizmo barks next to her ear. Vicky just throws the ball again. A comfortable quiet settles between them for a second before Vicky asks the other important question on her mind. “So...” she says carefully. “How was the anniversary party?  You mentioned in the email that you were going?”

She's close enough that she can feel Matt stiffen at the question. “I couldn't stay all the way through. I only really went to see Gwen since Bill and Christine aren't talking to me. Gwen's their kid? She's this tiny bundle of perfect. Like, she's a really ugly wiggling tiny person but, I swear to god, Vicky, she's so perfect. Christine's grandparents won't let me near her, though. The Bandy's wouldn't even look at me.  Everyone who knows about the three of us kept sending me sympathetic looks.”

“Awkward,” Vicky says. In the last couple of emails she got from Matt, she's been getting tiny snippets about their relationship. Some parts are fucked up enough that she understands why most people don't practice polygamy. Trust William Beckett to find another sexual deviancy to try out.

“Awkward would be the part where Mr. Bandy announces that Christine's pregnant again to the whole room,” Matt says dryly.

Vicky sits up and grabs his arm, “A baby?  Like, your baby?”

Matt keeps his gaze on the ceiling. He opens his mouth a couple times but no words come out. Finally he manages to croak, “I didn't know. From the look on Bill and Christine's faces, I don't think they were going to tell me. They haven't spoken to me since Christine went to the doctor where I guess they found out she's pregnant.  I can't- I can't talk to them right now. They've been calling since the party.”

Vicky doesn't know what to say to that. Is there even something to say to your band mate when he finds out his lovers were going to dump him and raise his kid without him? Jamia would know what to say. She settles for patting his knee. “We could watch some episodes of Gilmore Girls if you want.”

Matt shakes his head, glancing at her. “No thanks, I've already watched my way through all the seasons.”

Her doorbell rings. It's the delivery guy.  She's never been so happy for fucking vegetarian chow mein.

 

***

Dinner at Jamia and Frank's house is roughly six. Roughly because everyone shows up bringing a dish and hangs out for half an hour or so before anyone actually gets around to eating. They don't have a dinner table so everyone helps Jamia and Frank move random tables into the backyard and try to put them together into one mass. They always end up with a weird geometric shape but it's fun.

Vicky and Matt drive over together. Everyone's there. Ashlee, Jamia, Frank, Pete who 'just happened to be visiting Mikey,' Maja, Tom and Tom's replacement, a tiny boy with hair frighteningly reminiscent of Joe Trohman.

“Vicky, Ian Marshall,” Tom introduces them smirking. “Ian, Vicky-T. You can stop drooling any second now.”

Ian closes his mouth and turns bright red. Tom ruffles his hair, smirking like the complete dick he is.

Vicky punches him as hard as she can manage on the arm. “Don't be asshole, he's just a kid.” She tries to ruffle his hair but her hand just gets caught in the tangles. She tries to keep her disgust from showing on her face. “Keep trucking, tiny.”

With the new knowledge of Ashlee and Pete's relationship cycles she watches them like a hawk during the meals. She catches Maja doing the same thing but no one else in their group catches on to them. It's hilarious. Pete and Ashlee are in an off period, snapping at each other and mentioning as many humiliating anecdotes of the other that they can work into a conversation. Ian tries to play peacemaker a couple times before Tom warns him off of it with a shake of his head.

Eventually, Ashlee storms off into the house and Pete excuses himself to 'use the bathroom.'

“Sure,” Jamia says cheerfully. “The guest bedroom is the third door on the right. Condoms under the bed but it's BYO Bible if you want the hourly motel experience.” She waves Pete into the house.

Frank snickers but the others wait until Pete's out of sight to laugh.

Other than that it's a quiet uneventful dinner. They all catch up on each others projects and get bitten with too many mosquitoes. The only other highlight is when Ashlee and Pete come back at the same time completely amicable and relaxed and Frank mocks them relentlessly for it.

 

***

Vicky actually visits James everyday he's recording in the studio. At the end of the Cobra tour she doesn't get around to breaking up with him. She means to, but she forgets to add it to an email or bring up the subject when he calls. It's hard for her to even bring it up since he's tense every time she comes around.    She's pretty good about  helping him relax, only she makes a joke about being a good wife and everything explodes.

James doesn't want to get married, which would be fine, if he hadn't yelled it at her right after she makes the joke. Vicky doesn't want to do anything that stupid either, so she's pretty sure they aren't fighting about marriage. “We've only been dating for four months, why are we even fighting about this?”

“Come on, Vicky,” James snaps. “Everyone in this entire label knows your M.O. You date a guy for a tour and dump him.”

“I haven't dumped you,” Vicky says, hand tightening around her coffee until the Styrofoam cracks. “Maybe I should reconsider that decision.”

“Fantastic,” James yells. “You know what else? Missouri. Missouri, Missouri, Missouri.” Vicky's never seem him this angry and disheveled before. He looks ugly like this, five o clock shadow on the border of becoming a beard and his eyes bloodshot. He hasn't been sleeping lately, she can tell just by looking at him every morning but this is the first morning he's really lost his shit.  It's also the first time he's said his safe word to her. She doesn't like it.

“So you know, dickface? Missouri,” she sneers. “I wasn't planning on dumping you when we got back but there's no point in dead ends, is there? See you next week for your album. Don't call me.”

Vicky is shaking when she storms out. Not because she's angry but because she thinks the last thing she snapped at James might be true. She meant to keep things mostly physical but there was something about James that sneaked past her defenses.

When she goes home,Matt's on fucking cloud nine. Something about reconciling with the Becketts but the most Vicky can manage is “Congratulations,” “That's great” and “I need to borrow your seasons of Gilmore Girls.”

Matt is a fucking pro because all he does is pop in the DVD's, order sesame chicken, and listen to her bitch about how shitty the plot of the show is. Vicky falls asleep on his shoulder and dreams of going to a picnic with James where she is a platypus and he is a duck and neither of them understand French.

***

Seeing James with the girls the following week really gets under her skin. Matt pulls him into a bear hug at first sight. Maja and Ashlee coo over him like a pair of doves. Jamia settles for a handshake. Vicky is so grateful to see him even if things are bad between them. She doesn't trust herself to touch when they meet up. Not without kissing him.

The best she can manage is to look him in the eyes and not cry. His eyes are wounded but he gives her a soft, crooked smile in return. “Alright, let's get started.”

He records with each of them individually. Vicky watches from the sound booth. Jamia's quick, getting in and out with minimal fuss. Ashlee and James have a long, intense conversation in between each guitar recording. He laughs a lot with Matt while they work out the beats he wants on the Jamaican steel drums. Maja asks him a series of questions before she launches into her part. Today they're only working on getting a rough song together before coming back in for three or four days to record the tracks James is actually going to use. He's so used to recording all the song parts. Maja comes out of the recording room laughing.

Vicky takes a deep breath to lower her heartbeat when she goes in. She closes the door behind her gently.

“Hey,” she says.

James smiles. His eyes still look wounded. “Hey.”

Vicky throws the strap of her keytar over her shoulder and waits for him to say something. Anything really so long as he stops looking at her like she's going to kill his birthday pony. She feels like she already has.

“I take it back. Missouri, not the marriage thing. I don't want to get married,” he says finally.

Vicky stares at him. God, why is he bringing it up again.  Getting dumped by the first decent guy is karma, she knows that, but the part where he has to rub it in seems too cruel for James.

“See, I'm still in the middle of this really nasty messy divorce with my ex-wife and it's left me with fucking mountains of issues. I don't want to break up with you, but I don't want to marry you,” he says. James' face breaks in and out of a smile so fast Vicky wonders if she hallucinated it. She feels like she's hallucinating this moment.

“On the other hand,” he says shakily. “I wouldn't say no to a collar.  Somewhere down the line, maybe?”

Oh.

Oh my god, she thinks. “A collar?” She asks. “Like, a collar collar.”

“Yeah,” James bites his lip. “A collar.”

Vicky throws her arms around him and pulls his head down for a kiss. She wants to get as close to him as she can but the keytar is pressing against both of them. James grabs the back of he head and kisses back just as furiously.  Her fingers tighten in his hair, tugging a little harder than she would normally do in public.  He keens into her mouth.

They only manage to get in twenty seconds before Jamia's amused voice comes in through the intercom. “You guys recording the hidden track?”

James flicks her off.

“We can celebrate after studio time, okay? Now tell me about the changes you made to the fourth measure, asshole, I've got to re-record.  Producer's orders.”


	5. V. Jamia

Jamia is usually the last person out of the Skeleton Crew office.  Frank leaves early some days to rehearse with Leathermouth or My Chem.  The commute to their house isn't too painful, but it's long enough that she doesn't bother to answer her phone if someone calls her during the drive.

It isn't until she's digging for her keys in her carpenter jeans that she even remembers to check her voice mail.

"Hey Jamia, it's Pete.  I've checked everyone's schedules and I booked your band for Warped Tour this year." She drops her keys.  "Call me back if the dates are a problem for you, I'm faxing over your paperwork to Skeleton Crew now.  I'm leaving Matt the same message. Oh, Hemmy, say hi to Auntie Jamia." There's a couple barks followed by an automated message telling her to press one to save, two to delete-

Jamia shuts her phone.  She picks the keys off the ground as fast as she can manage and forces the door open.  The dogs come rushing for the door but for once, Jamia ignores them. "Frank," she screams.   "Get your scrawny Italian ass downstairs. I've got news."

Frank actually walks into the hallway through the basement entrace.  "Jamia?"  He scrunches his face, trying to remember if he's done anything lately to intentionally piss off Jamia.  "Frank!" she yells delightedly across the room.  "We got booked for Warped Tour.  Playing!  Warped Tour!  We Haven't Decided yet on Warped fucking Tour!"

Frank closes the gap between them as fast as he can manage without hurting one of the dogs.  "Fuck yeah!" he yells, squishing her as tightly as his arms can manage. 

"We're gonna have the best fucking bus, just us and the dogs and we're going to have so much fucking adventure sex Jamia."    He pulls away from the hug for a second to beam at her and then nuzzles his face into her neck.

"You're on Warped Tour too?"  Her excitement level sky rockets.

Frank nods into her neck.  It feels like he's trying to blow a raspberry.  "Brian called this morning when you were in the studio.  We can get a bus and fuck all the time because it'll be just us!  And a driver and a couple techs but fuck, we get our own bus!"  Jamia cheers. Frank takes that as a cue to gnaw at her collarbone.

"Asshole," she says affectionately.

  
  


***

 

She can barely keep in the excitement to herself when she goes into the office the next day.  "Matt, have you-"

He cuts her off, "Yeah, I got the Mean Reds a new tour manager and I got the phone call from Pete."  Matt doesn't have an office so much as a desk across from Heather, their administrative assistant, but as far as Jamia's concerned, he's getting one as soon as their management office can afford to upgrade.  She'd give him Frankie's office but Frank really shouldn't be left in the same room as a coffee machine.

Jamia can see Phillips boys in waving at her from her office.  Holy fucking awesome!  Jamia gives Matt a thumbs up and walks over to the fax machine.  Sitting next to box is their paperwork for Warped Tour.  She would grin at the sight but she's pretty sure she hasn't stopped grinning since she woke up this morning. 

"Hey, Jamia, we were wondering about Warped Tour?" Zach says, smiling easily at her from her office doorway.

She'd been working on getting the boys booked for Warped Tour for a while.  "Let me check my email.  I know The Mean Reds are in and Hot Like (a) Robot for sure, but I don't know if  you guys are on yet."

She turns on her computer during the awkward ensuing silence.  Heather brings everyone coffee, thank god.  A couple clicks and- "You're in!"

Adam jumps out of his chair and lunges at Jamia over her desk for a hug.  She leans into it.  Zach hugs Adam from behind hands just managing to reach around her back.  "Best fucking Warped Tour," Jamia mumbles.  Frank ducks his head in smiling.  "You check your email?"

Jamia connects the dots.  "Frank," she says horrified.  "Frank, whose going to keep to office running if we're all going on Warped?"

"Motherfucker," Matt yells from the main room.  "Another fucking summer locked in the fucking back room of a fucking bus.  We better have air conditioning Jamia or I swear on Frank's tiny life-"

'"Fuck you!"

"Swear of Frank's midget ass life, I will quit.  Fucking quit."

Jamia pulls away from Zach and Adam closing the door to her office behind her.    "Okay.  Time to come up with a plan. Heather?"

 The red head looks up from her computer.  "Yeah?" she says.

"Can you let everyone know to call the cell line while we're away?  You can handle the day to day bullshit, right?" Jamia asks.  if she can get Heather to hold the fort, the Frank agrees to let them change the bedroom on their tour bus into an office, it could work.  No way in hell Jamia's going to let Warped Tour slip through her fingers.

Jamia can see the panic in Heather's eyes but Heather takes a couple of deep breaths.  "Yeah, if Mattie teaches me what to do."

"Great.  Frank, ixnay on the adventure sex. We're going to have to convert part of the bus into an office."

Frank visibly deflates.  "Shit, yeah.  You're right." 

"Fuck," snaps Frank, tuning and punching the wall. "I had plans for that bed!"

"Get over it," Matt says, shrugging his shoulder.  "Whatever, Tiny Tim.  Help me with this expenses spreadsheet.  Appleworks kicks my ass."

"I hate you, Otter." Frank says half-serious.  "I'm going to sell you to that guido that makes meat pies."

Jamia slips away while they keep on bickering.  There's a shitload of details to take care of for each band on their label, let alone Jamia and Frank's bands. 

 

***

Matt works out the bus arrangements with Pete.  Maja,Iqbal, Teddy, Matt, Vicky-T, Ian and Ashlee on We Haven't Decided Yet.  Jamia riding with Frank meant that they could get a bus without a back lounge and either fit another FBR band or more techs.  Matt opts for half techs, half empty bunks in case of parties.  Instead of being "Girl Band bus," he demanded everyone could call it the Decaydance Sleeper Car.  "Sometime people just want some fucking sleep," Matt explains to Pete.

It takes the three of them two whole days to redo the interior of the Nestor-Iero bus.  When My Chem was looking for a new bus, Frank volunteered to buy the old one for from Eyeball.  It's a little like owning an  RV filled with random band graffiti and a zombie army mural standing guard over the toilet paper dispenser.  Awesome with a side of creepy.

Once they get the office set up, Frank gets a call from Eyeball asking if they'd be willing to fit a couple band members on the bus.  Jamia fumes, but she knows Frank can't say no to anything involving his guys.  They redo the interior again to fit enough bunks for Matt, Jamia and Frank during the day and Ray, Cortez, Frank, Jamia and their driver by night.  "I'm not leaving Mama.  She's in that delicate stage," Jamia insists. "Ray and Cortez can deal with it."

 

***

 

Even with the short notice, they manage to get the dogs situated, a doggie door installed in the front of the office room, and get all their shit put away with a couple days to spare before the taxi drops off their bus driver on their lot.  Tony's a sweet kid who doesn't mind playing their heavy metal as loud as possible when they pick up Ray and Cortez.

"Wow, Frank.  Jamia, " Ray says in awe.  "Who would have thought buses just need a woman's touch?" 

Jamia beams at him.  They installed a deep blue shag carpet which looks ridiculous but feels amazing on the feet. She had no shame about ripping out the mysteriously stained tiles.  The sofa was reupholstered with a fabric more resistant to dog hair.  The cabinets were cleaned.  Jamia had spent an entire weekend scrubbing the sketchy graffiti off the walls.

"Hey, someone scrubbed off my penis collage," Cortez yells from inside the bathroom.  Jamia's not sorry to have the penises go.  There's only so many times Jamia can look in a mirror covered with penises before she just wants to kick someone in the crotch. 

Her phone beeps.  Text message from Vicky marked Urgent.

_Band reunion at the site.  shenanigans with TAI.  MP's on and off again threesome is on again.  Save me from PW &AS_

She watches Ray and Cortez get situated on the bus and sneaks up behind Frank.  She says softly, "Hey, I've got an invite to a party tonight.  Matt's going to be there so don't bring the guys and for the love of God, don't let him go near this bus if Ray's on it."

Frank raises his eyebrow and purses his lips.  "If he's going to be a sensitive bitch about being a fuck up, I'm not going to shelter him."  Then, softer, "Yeah, I'll keep the guys away from the party.  I wanna see the Becketts. On a scale from Mick Jagger to me, how hot are they?"

Jamia sits down on the sofa.  Mama jumps up next to her and climbs into Jamia's lap.  She pets her thinking slowly.  "Hm, well, Bill's at Tobey McGuire but Christine is a Portia del Rossi/Jessica Alba level of hotness."  

Frank jumps up on the couch next to her and leans in, pressing his forehead against hers.  "Gonna leave me for Jessica Alba?"

Jamia pretends to think a bout it.  "Nah, you're cock's pretty fantastic."

Cortez yells from the bunk room, "Hell yeah it's awesome.  Did someone throw out my porn stash?"  

Frank leans in the last couple inches and kisses her softly against her cheek.  "Ignore him.  He's got aspirations on my virtue and shit."

 

***

 

The party is weirdly enough spread out over two busses and the four feet of parking space between them.   Ian explains it to her as he walks her over.  When Cobra Starship and Gym Class Heroes found out about The Academy Is party, they decided to offer their bus for maximum party experience.  The Cobra/Gym Class bus is now the dance bus, the Academy bus is the drinking and party games bus, the parking lot strip has beach chairs set up for people who want to smoke or relax, and they declared the We Haven't Decided Yet bus as the sleeper car.

"They declared our bus for sleeping?" Jamia says skeptically.  "Really? Not us?"

Ian blushes.  "Gabe might have wiggled his eyebrows when he said it."

Give it to Gabe to turn a perfectly innocent offer of sleep into an orgy.  "I like you Ian, so here's a tip," Jamia says.  "During Warped Tour, the MCR bus is like a church.  Anyone seeking sanctuary is never turned away.  If you can't sleep through someone fucking or a party or heavy drinking- whatever, Gerard will talk anyone else on his bus into letting you stay. The only catch is you have to be able to deal with the Way stench."  She  pats Ian on the back twice.  "Choose wisely, my friend."

She scans the parking strip to see if Maja or Victoria are chain smoking.  Oddly enough, she spots a couple of Hushies.  Greta and Darren are sitting under one of the patio umbrellas. They wave her over.  Normally Jamia would walk the other way, all the cuteness makes her nauseous, but she's got nothing better to do.

Darren points at the TAI bus sadly.  "They've got our Bob." 

Greta nods glumly.  "Vicky T snatched up Chris pretty quick.  We don't know when they're going to give them back."

Jamia resists the urge to roll her eyes.  As young as the baby bands are, she hates dealing with people who actually act like kids.  She doesn't know how Maja finds it cute as hell or whatever. Fuck, that."Okay, come on, I'll help you get them back."   They stare at her.  "Well, get a move on!"

 

***

 

She doesn't actually get them back.   In fact, As soon as she manages to get them on to the Cobra bus, Travis takes one look at the two Hushies and disappears with them.  "Damn, Jamia," Travis says  right before he steals them. "You bring the best party gifts."

"I should feel guilty," Jamia says to herself, "But I don't."  She tries to find someone she recognizes on the bus but it's all a see of Decaydance and pretty boys and girls.  She manages to see a familiar face down by the bathroom.

"Suarez!" She yells.  Alex doesn't turn away from the tiny blond girl he's chatting up.  "Suareasy, come on! Turn the fuck around," she yells. 

The music is way too loud.  She can feel the bass vibrations from her feet all the way to her knees.  A hand taps her on the shoulder. What the hell, she leans back towards the hand."

"Hey, it's Disashi.  If you're looking for your band, I saw a couple on the TAI bus with the Becketts."

Jamie grins.  "Thanks!"

She ducks off the bus once she can orient herself towards the exit and catches sight of a familiar trucker hat.  She's about to yell Patrick's name when she notices he's on the phone.

"...you are not breaking up with her again," she hears Patrick say.  "Seriously dude, no.  The only reason you have an off again and on again relationship is because you are an idiot, Pete."

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no way Jamia is going to miss the ending of this conversation. 

Patrick moves from where he's standing to sit in one of the lawn chairs.  Jamia walks behind him carefully, trying to stay out of his line of sight.  Patrick nods a couple times, like a crazy person.  Jamia bites down on the urge to mock him relentlessly. 

"Pete, Pete, do you even hear yourself talking when you talk about her and your relationship?  Ashlee's The One, you idiot... No, no, listen to yourself.  When it was Janae you kept going on and on about her she had to be the one because she made you feel crazy.  Every time you swear you're in love you say you can tell because she makes your heart crazy. You're the one who's always saying Ashlee's just a girl you love who makes you smile.  She's your Little Mermaid, dickface.  Call Joe next time you want to talk about dumping the only girl stupid enough to marry you."

Jamia jumps when he closes the phone.  Patrick stiffens and starts to turn around.  Jamia  pulls her hoodie is far over her head as she can manage and runs for the door to the TAI bus, stripping off her sweatshirt as soon as she makes it in and throwing it in the drivers seat.  

The TAI bus is covered in red plastic cups in various stages of empty or full.  There's a card game going on in the far corner, some version of A Thousand Blank White Cards with clusters of people smoking weed, talking, or making out. 

The couch closest to her closer resembles an orgy instead of a horny couple. Slow moving limbs and the shift of a hip reveals the corner of a familiar looking Slayer shirt. 

"Good for you, Mattie," Jamia says softly.  She snorts. "Damn. When you three are on, you're really fucking on." She walks past them to settle down next to  Maja to bump shoulders.  "Hey Mahjong"

"Jamia!" she yells delightedly, throwing her arms around Jamia and sending cards flying everywhere.  Andy Hurley groans. The Butcher doesn't even bother  to pick up any cards.  Instead, he pulls out another stack from the game box.

"Are you in, Jamia?" Butcher says, offering her the stack.

Jamia grabs a card off the top of the stack and slams it down.  "Take that!"

Chris V leans forward to read the card.  "Dementor Mating Season.  Get stuck on a blind date with a soul sucker.  Instant Lose card."

"Huh," says Spencer Smith from his corner.  Jamia has to do a double take to recognize him.  The beard he's grown since the last time she's seen him really changes his overall appearance.  Manly and rugged instead of his previous incarnation as the third Olsen Sister. "It's the only of its kind in the deck."

Ian, the last person in the circle of the game looks at her in awe. Jamia wouldn't admit it if someone asked her if she liked the look on him, but he's a pretty cute kid. When her and Frankie get around to popping them out, she wants one just like Ian Marshall, stupid hair and all.

"Where are Ashlee and Vicky?" Jamia asks. She doesn't see them around the games and she thought Ian said they would be here.  Mostly she wants to find Ashlee and tell her what she's overheard.

Maja takes a white card off the top of Batcher's stack and glances at it.  "Victoria is with the Cobra on the other bus.  James is teching for My Chemical Romance so he has to wake up early tomorrow.  Three guesses how those two are partying."

Jamia rolls her eyes.  She should have known Vicky would have found a way to have regular sex on the busiest Warped Tour Jamia's ever imagined.

Ian groans when he reads the card Maja puts down.  "Damn it!  Um, Ashlee kicked Pete out to get some sleep I think."

Spencer nods carefully.  "That would explain why he showed up on the Panic bus and locked himself in our bathroom. Oh, screw you Ian.  Can't believe you got the Naked Dirty card."

"I like to win," Ian says happily, adding five hundred points to the tally sheet.

 

***

 

Jamia likes watching the others play A Thousand Blank White Cards.  A long time ago, Eric sent an email explaining the game and asking everyone to mail postcards to a P.O box with points, dares, truths and or flavor text on them a few months ago.  The first time Jamia played with the game, it was early morning on the Snakes and Suits tour and she had a blast.  The deck keeps growing with the way everyone collects postcards, so there's been talk of fitting every Decaydance bus with a section of the deck. 

Ian is still winning by the time Jamia's ready to  pull on her Vans and head home, but he's also completely naked except for briefs, socks and converse.  Joe has his wrists duct taped together and Maja's wearing Gabe's boxers on her head.  Sisky joined for a bit a while back but he leaves when Butcher takes off. Jamia does a few rounds of "Never Have I Ever" with Matt and Christine when Bill ducks out for some dancing on the Cobra bus.  Christine is in that stage of her pregnancy where looks like she's going to pop at any second.  It takes away some of the power of the pregnancy glow.

She checks one last time to make sure Ian's going to leave a copy of the tour schedule on her door when she hears every conversation on the bus come to a dead stop.  Jamia turns around slowly and stares in horror.  

At the end of the bus is Gerard Way, ghost pale and eyes looking right at Matt.  He looks almost heartbroken. 

"Hey Jamia," Gerard says, flicking his eyes towards her briefly and then back to Matt.  "I-I- uh... no hard feelings Otter?"

Jamia knows the second he hears the words that it's the wrong thing to say. By the look on Gerard's face, even he knows it was the wrong thing to say.

Christine leans closer into Matt's space, linking their arms and threading their fingers together.  Matt's face turns bright red in anger.  _And he's drunk,_ Jamia despairs.  The last time she saw him this shade of red was on TMZ, attacking a paparazzi.

Matt stand ups, bringing Christine with him and .  He steps forward, closing the gap between him and Gerard until there's only a couple feet between them.  "As far as I'm concerned Gee, when Ray kicked me out of that band you kicked me out of your life. Give me one example of one thing you did to show I was still your foster brother. Not something Mikey or Ma did, give me one example from you.  Oh, what's that?" Maatt cups one of his ears. "Nothing to say. I fucking thought so." 

Jamia wants to close her eyes so she doesn't have to watch Gerard's hope fall apart.  _Goddamn it, Matt._

"You didn't call or write and you haven't seemed to give a damn this whole fucking time.  I bet you wouldn't even be on this bus if Ma didn't make you come here."  Matt's voice starts to rise, "You asshole!  You fucking asshole!  Did you really thing there'd be no hard feelings there?  You may be family but a human being wouldn't have pissed all over our friendship like that.  I'm not going to give you an easy way out 'cause you're a drunk.  I shoulda known you were going to let them ruin my life.  You can't even stop yourself from ruining your own fucking life."

Gerard looks pathetically small next to Matt.  Jamia  doesn't know who she wants to help out more but she knows Gerard's the only My Chem guy on a bus full of Matt's label mates.  If she doesn't get him out of there soon, things are going to get ugly.

"Matt, please," Gerard pleads.  "Can we talk about this when you aren't drunk?  I want to fix things. Please.  We can't stay like this.  I'll kill Ma."

Matt spits on the ground between them.  "Fuck you, Gee.  I lost everything 'cause of you.  Come back when you learn not to be a shit."

"Matt, that's enough."  Christine yanks Matt back a couple feet and pulls his head down to her level.  "You've said your peace and you've hurt him enough.  Now shut up before I make you shut up."

Matt stands very still for a moment and then nods.  He takes one of the larger vodka bottles and disappears into the bunk room.  Christine looks Gee in the eye, one hand resting on the baby bump, the other clenched into a fist.  "Don't come back until he asks you to come back.  You had your chance."  She grabs her cell phone from the counter and follows Matt into the bunks

"I'm sorry," Gerard says to no one in particular.  "I- I shouldn't have come."  Gerard stands there looking completely lost, staring at the door Matt just closed behind him.

Jamia figures Matt's in good enough hands and quietly ushers Gerard off the bus.  She wants to scream at him but he looks as utterly destroyed as he looked when Jamia went to pick the boys up from Paramour.

She settles on hooking her arm in his and asking him quietly, "What were you thinking?  You knew Matt was going to be there, so don't try to feed me any bullshit about wanting to run into me and Frank."

Gerard falters, "I...  I wanted to see if he's okay.  Ma said he was really angry and messed up and I thought... You know, once he had some space it would be alright."  Gerard  glances at her and she hates the way he looks so helpless.  "It's our Otter. Mikey's gonna fucking flip when he finds out what happened."

Jamia doesn't know what to say to that. Mikey is too unpredictable for her guesses. She takes Gerard all the way back to the MCR bus and leaves him with Mikey to sort his own mess out.  Bob's the only one on the bus other than Mikey.  As soon as the bunk doors close, Bob makes a beeline for Jamia.

"Okay, what the hell happened to Gerard?  He looks like he did when all that shit with Bert went down."  Bob crosses his arms and glares down at her for the information.

Jamia's not impressed.  She's seen better.  She flips her hair back, "He ran into Matt and Matt got understandably upset."

Bob bites his lip and unfolds his arms. He walks over to the kitchen sink and leans over it, bracing his hands to either side. “Pelissier?” It's barely even a question.

“Gerard never did know when to let things rest,” Jamia says. She doesn't like the way he's reacting to this at all. “Bob, you okay?”

He closes his eyes, leaning forward to press his forehead against the cupboard. “Otter's going to always haunt this band and there's nothing I can do to stop it." The angle of the lights leave his face in shadow, but she can imagine what Bob must look like.  She feels the same way down to her bones.  "Christ," he says.  "I have to go check on Gee.”

Jamia waits until she sees Mikey crack open the bunk door before she leaves. Bob's a good guy, as far as she's concerned, and the last person who deserves to be haunted by another man's mistakes.

 

***

 

Frank is still awake when Jamia gets back to the bus.

“What's wrong,” Frank says when he sees Jamia come in. Jamia doesn't know what kind of expression she's packing on her face but she knows it can't be good.

She sits down at the edge of their futon, glancing over at the office door to make sure it's locked. It was the one thing Frankie had insisted on. The office had to have a futon so at the very least they could have a private bedroom at night.

The bedspread has a loose thread she can't help but to pick at. “Guess who Gerard ran into tonight?”

She hears Frankie's breathing stop for a second before picking up again. Suddenly, the blankets on the futon starts flying in all directions as Frank tries to scramble out of the bed. Jamia lunges for the fold that resembles his ankle.

“Gee!” Frank yells urgently. _Motherfucker_ , thinks Jamia and she pulls harder on Frank's stupid kicking ankle.

“Mikey's with him, calm the fuck down,” Jamia says. “Before you wake up Ray and it morphs into a band war.”

Frank stops kicking at her. Instead he moves closer to her on the futon. Jamia didn't even know how freaked she is until Frank's hands come around her back and hold her closer to him. “Shit Frank, Matt's just as fucked as Gee right right now. What are we going to do? This is going to be a hundred times worse than the mess that went down with Bert.”

Frank's hands start to rub her back slowly in soft soothing circles. Just having his weird sweat and sauerkraut tour smell close by is comforting. Frank kisses her right where her neck meets her shoulder.

Jamia groans, moving her head to give him better access. Frank kisses her on the base of her neck and tugs her arm until they're stretched out next to each other.

“Where's the fucking pillows?" Jamia asks. Frankie grumbles but he reaches one arm away from Jamia and flails around until he finds them.

Jamia wriggles until Frank's other arm is out from underneath her. She hates how stiff her back feels.  She also knows Frank can't afford to wake up with a numb, testy arm. “Com 'ere,” she says, pulling him half on top of her.

Even if she can't see it, she knows Frank is beaming at her. His left hand draws a pattern over her chest for a few seconds before he cups her right breast and curls around her side. “Settled in?” she asks softly.

“Mmm,” he hums. She can smell the minty flavor of toothpaste on his breath. “Who's with Mattie?”

“A Beckett. Probably both by now” She smiles when she feels Frank's growl on her skin.

“Don't trust those hippy emo yuppies.  Especially with the way they fucked up this baby business.  Not that I care or anything.”

“I know Frankie.”

“No sides?”

“No sides.”

***

The first thing Jamia does in the morning is a quick google search. Rumors of band wars abound but there's nothing concrete thank fucking god.  There's the usual band war rabble that's been on since the day Matt was announced as their drummer, but nothing worse.

“Small favors, man,” Cortez says shaking his head.

The bands divide almost instantly the morning after. Her, Frankie, Cortez and Dewees do their hardest to be impartial with varying results. Ashlee, Maja and Vicky pointedly make sure nothing remotely related to MCR goes anywhere near their bus.  Maja also makes a point of asking Matt to hold Bamboo at every opportunity.  The stress difference when Matt is touching Bamboo is large enough that even Pete picks up on it.

Ray and Bob are on Gerard's side, beyond a doubt. Mikey, weirdly enough, seems to be a completely separate party who isn't talking to anyone other than Alicia. Matt more or less moves into the TAI bus and isn't seen more than 6 inches away from a Beckett at all times, to varying degrees of annoyance from the band.

The set that day starts off weird. Most of the crowd looks like they are going to start raving instead of moshing. That creeps out Jamia enough.

The second creep factor is Pete Wentz who stays just off stage smiling and waving at Ashlee from sound check on. Just Ashlee. Jamia isn't even sure if she even sees him blink. If that isn't creepy enough, someone dressed in a bear costume and the other Beckett joins sometime Pete half way through. It reminded Jamia of the girlfriend section on the bleachers at a football game.

Ashlee is just finishing “Check Yes or No,” when a small figure darts past Vicky and Maja. Jamia has to squint before she can make out enough features to name the person.

It's Bert McCracken. He takes the microphone from Ashlee, shoves it in his teeth and climbs the scaffolding until he's just out of reach. Jamia catches a whiff of Everclear when he runs past her. Oh, fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

“Hey guys, how are you today?” Jamia looks around wildly to try and catch Maja's eyes. She looks completely bewildered. Matt drops his drumsticks.

“I'm gonna take the screaming for fucking amazing. My name's Bert and this guy over here, playing drums for you, is my friend Matt. He means a lot to me and you fuckers better appreciate him and come to all his shows, especially the ones scheduled at the same time as My Chemical Romance. Matt just rocks that hard. Okay, I'm gonna hand the mic back over to Miss Simpson.  Nice rack.” Bert flashes Ashlee a peace sign and then leans over to hand the mic back to Iqbal, the only tech brave enough to chase Bert all the way up the scaffolding.

Ashlee gapes at him. The crowd cheers but it sounds a little confused, like they don't even know what to make of the spectacle. Jamia glances nervously back at Matt. The Becketts have darted on stage and made their way over to him. Bill hands Matt the dropped drumsticks. Christine squeezes a quick hug before pulling Bill off Matt's riser.

Jamia wishes Frankie were here.

Iqbal hustles the microphone over to Ashlee who stares at it for a couple seconds and then blurts out, “How is this my life?” It's not a part of their script but the crowd cheers. Ashlee blushes until the tips of her ears go red.

Bert jumps off the scaffolding. Maja barely has enough time to get out of the way.  He runs off the stage into the girlfriend cheering section. Ashlee waits until Pete has Bert in a headlock before she gives the audience a shaky grin and launches into their next song.

“Nercromiconventional” and “1776” are shaky.  Jamia can tell everyone else just wants to make it through the set.  As soon as Ashlee waves her goodbye, Bert jerks free of Pete's grip and runs over to Matt.

“Bert,” Jamia barks from her side of the stage. “If you try another stunt again, I will break this fender over your head, so help me God!” She really would. She isn't really attached to this one. Her favorite bass is still in 'The Office,' hooked up to her favorite amp.

Bert giggles right before he drops to his knees and wraps his arms around Matt's legs when he tries to escape from being cornered at his kit.  "Matt! Mattie! Matt! Matthew! Matthias! Mattress! I haven't told you how much I love you lately. Let's form a union against Gerard Way, it'll be awesome,” Bert says earnestly. “I'll suck your cock and everything.”

Matt sends a terrified look to Jamia. “My microphones are still on Bert!”  The crowd cheers their approval.  Bert roars right back at them.

Jamia hears her earpiece cut off, letting her know the techs disconnected the mics. She could kill Bert for saying that shit. Now the fans will probably think there's a band feud.

Ashlee seethes in Bert's direction. Jamia gestures frantically to Vicky. She looks at Jamia, then Ashlee and hurries over to run interference. Jamia has a feeling that any meeting between Bert and Ashlee would end in disaster or Bert trying to set Ash up with Jepha. Either way, Pete's ensuing freak out would be enough to make an international feud against The Used.

Matt manages to get Bert's drunken paws off him long enough to dash backstage. Jamia follows him pushing through the crowd of boyfriends.

“Bert,” she hisses when she catches up to him. “The hell were you thinking?”  She's had talks with Bert before about crashing other people's sets.  He should know better than to pull this stupid, stupid shit.

_On the positive side_ , Jamia thinks, _at least Bert's somehow managed to keep his sunglasses and clothes on._ Once Matt's touched base with the Becketts, he joins Jamia and Bert in the corner.  "Explain," Matt growls.

Bert shrugs, “You know how it fucking is Jamia. Gee Way and his prima donna bullshit's what broke up our bromance. When I found out he kicked Otter out and stole Bob Bryar to replace him, I felt sympathy. Or gas. Fuck Gerard, we should form a club.”

_Oh god, they're forming support group.  Fucking perfect._ The Used around We Haven't Decided Yet in a band feud slash support group against My Chemical Romance. Yeah. Frank's going to be thrilled.

William wraps his arms around Matt, “Mattie is not a cheap commodity. What kind of dowry would you pay.” Christine punches William in the arm. He pouts at her but she rolls her eyes. Matt fucking beams at them and it's enough to make Jamia want to gag. It would be nice, she thinks, if Matt didn't constantly throw himself in long term relationships with crazy people.

“I'm telling Schecter on you if you don't leave right this fucking second,” Jamia snaps.

Bert looks at her, then Matt, then back to Jamia and grins. “I'll be back. Jepha has my pineapple.”

Vicky leads Ashlee over with scratches on her arms. “If he ever,ever, ever,” Ashlee snarls. “Ever crashes our set again, I am not liable for what I do. I'm going to claw out his brains with my hands!”

Maja pushes her way to Jamia through the small crowd of spectators dispersing. “You and Matt know some of the most interesting people. I should like to meet that little man.”

"With my hands!"

Jamia shudders. James and Pete snatch Vicky and Ashlee off for some sort of double date. Matt disappears with the Becketts into a dubious looking tent. Jamia and Maja are left standing while the next band sets up.

“Um,” Ian pips up from the corner. “Would this be a really bad time to say I'm leaving tomorrow? Because I am. Pete's sending a replacement though. Her name's Cassadee and she's really nice.  I picked her out of the line up.”

Maja ruffles his hair while Jamia tries to keep herself from slamming her head against the wall. “Yes, but do not worry.” Maja smiles at him. “You are leaving because...?”

Ian brightens. “There's a band called The Cab at Warped. They need a guitarist and my cousin recommended me.” He looks so happy Jamia can't find herself to be even slightly angry. “I'm going to have a band,” he says in an awed tone.

Jamia hooks her arm in his. “Come on, rock star. We'll buy you celebration dinner in the city, okay?”

She's happy for him, but the dinner's more of an ulterior motive not to be in the bus after the guys find out about Bert's stunt. It's going to make things ugly as hell.

“Come.  I will play you some songs I have been working on for a new album,” Maja says happily.

***

“You brought Bert into the band feud,” Ray shouts when she gets on the bus.

Jamia throws her water bottle at him. She misses but it's the thought that counts. “I didn't do anything. Bert's the one who showed up out of nowhere and decided to try and form a Hate Club on Gerard.  We did everything we could to get Bert off our stage, so don't act like I started this.”

“There's a fucking club?!” Ray slams his fist down on the countertop. If Jamia was on the sidelines, she's consider anyone else dead meat but she's not. Jamia is really, really, really fucking tired of this stupid bullshit.

“Yeah, a club that wouldn't exist if you hadn't been a total asshole." She grabs a sofa cushion for good measure and throws it at him.  "Don't you dare speak to me like that in my home," she hisses.

Ray doesn't duck out of the way. “Real mature Jamia. I live here, too and I don't want Matt Pelissier on my bus.”

“Fuck no, this is me and Frankie's bus and our place of business,” she snaps. “You don't have the right to ban my employee from work.  Don't try to fight with me on this one Tor because I swear to God, you will lose."

The door opens with a grating squeal.  Frank, Gerard and Lyn-Z come on to the bus with varying degrees of worry on their faces. “I heard yelling,” Frank says. He looks at the two of them, red faced and furious and hurries over to Jamia. He hugs her, whispering soothing phrases until Jamia get a hold on her rage.

“What's going on?” Gerard asks. Lyn-Z threads her fingers in his hand. Jamia's surprised to see her. On second thought, she's not surprised Lyn-Z would refuse to let being pregnant stop her from going on Warped Tour.

Ray turns and looks at the wall until he can get his own breathing steady. Pussy.  “Jamia and her band,” he says in a strained tone, “...let Bert declare a band feud on stage.”

Gerard sends Jamia and hurt look. She's so tired of seeing disappointment in his dark eyes, but Jamia can't fix Gerard and Matt at the same time.  It hurts her almost as much just to watch them ruin their own relationships.  “Gerard, wait,” Lyn-Z calls, dashing after him.

“Jamia, baby,” Frank says softly. “Talk to me, yeah?” He pets her hair, combing through the tousled strands carefully.

Jamia grabs his hand and pushes past Ray into the office/bedroom.  She doesn't miss the way he curls his lip when she goes past.  She's been wondering for a long time about the darkness Matt insist Ray carries inside him.  She believe him now.  It's real, it's ugly and it's sleeping in the bunk outside her bedroom door.

 

***

 

It's all downhill from there. Bert drags Matt, William and Christine out drinking every chance he can get. Jamia's still furious enough at Ray that she takes him up on it at every opportunity.  Ashlee has to train Cassadee at the same time as she hustles back and forth between performances. Vicky is impossible to find when she's not on stage or doing sound check. If Gabe and James don't know where she is, then there's no point in trying to find her. Jamia, Frank and Matt spend all their time between shows and pub crawls frantically keeping tabs on their baby bands. Fucking Kyle Gutierrez is thrown in drunk tanks in three different states. Jamia's just grateful he only gets trashed on their days off.

If that isn't enough, she can practically see hearts floating in Maja's eyes whenever she looks at Cassadee.  it's a little hypocritical, especially after all the crap everyone gave Vicky for pulling the same thing, but Jamia doesn't have the time to fix this.  She does mentally put it on her list, right under fixing Pelissier-Way brother relations and getting Ashlee and Pete back together.  Whatever Patrick's been telling Pete hasn't stuck because Pete's broken up with Ashlee four times since the start of Warped alone.  She's tempted to petition FBR start providing an on-tour psychologist.

Things quiet down enough that Ray and Bob stop leaving the room when Jamia walks in and Mikey's even speaking to Gerard again, even if it's just in short sentences. Good luck never lasts long so Jamia should have fucking known some kind of stupid shit would happen during the Austin tour dates.

The Sounds are playing late enough that Ashlee has time for a nap after their show. Jamia jumps at the opportunity for a nap in a place she won't be treated like a goddamn criminal. Cassadee walks both of them over to their bus.

Jamia likes Cassadee. She's nice, energetic, instant BFF's with Ashlee, and most importantly, she doesn't act/play an instrument so she's not going to leave them for the chance of the lifetime. She likes Cassadee so much that when they find Joe Simpson standing next to the door of their bus, Jamia pushes the girl behind her.

“Dad,” Ashlee yells happily and throws her arms around him. Jamia startles.  Not the reaction she was expecting, especially with the way Ashlee watches her way through Gilmore Girls after every family reunion.

“Hey, sweetie,” he replies.

Jamia's hated Joe Simpson since the first time she caught Ashlee crying over one of his answering machine messages. It used to happen once every couple weeks or so but died off for the most part after he decided to refuse to speak to her until she quit her band.

She's suspicious as flying fuck. Cassadee leans over and whispers, “I thought he disowned her.”

Jamia nods slightly, watching the two Simpsons walk excitedly and fill each other in on their lives before climbing on to the bus. Jamia grabs Cassadee's wrist and takes the girl into the bunk room. She hold her finger against her mouth, the international sign for shh, and props the door open so they can listen.

“I saw your show, Ashlee.” Joe says.

“Really, Daddy? Isn't it amazing? I know it's different from the pop stuff you started me with but I'm having so much fun. I really, really nailed Mismatchmaker today and the girls are so awesome to work with. You watched a good show,” Ashlee babbles.

There is a sound of the refrigerator opening and closing. “Water?” she offers.

“Ashlee, I think you need to stop this. You had your fun, now you need to go work on your real career.”

“I don't understand, you saw the show. I was fantastic.” Cassadee moves to the sliver where the door's propped open. Jamia just keeps listening.

“It was appalling. How the heck are we suppose to package yo as family friendly when you're singing music bordering on the satanic and full of expletives.”

“Necromiconventional is just one song. I can't believe you called my music satanic.”  Ashlee moves into Jamia's line of sight for a second.  She's pulling at the ends of her hair extensions.

“I call it how I see it.”

“You aren't my manager anymore. You can't tell me what to do-”

“I am your father-

“-and you can't disown me just to pick me up when I turn my music career around. If you aren't going to be civil, then get off my bus.”

Jamia's shocked. She's never, ever heard Ashlee speak to her father like that before. She's never even heard Ashlee raise her voice to anyone outside the band. Sure she's had screaming fits with Maja over high heels, but she won't even yell in front of some of their techs.

“You're making a mistake.”

Cassadee opens the door all the way.  “Ashlee wants you off this bus right now. You can either go peacefully or I can break your arm to get you out. Your choice.” She folds her arms and blows a bubble with her gum, popping it obnoxiously.

Joe glares at the three of them before letting himself off the bus. As soon as the door slams, Ashlee's strong demeanor crumbles. “Oh my god,” she sobs. “I can't believe I did that. Jess is gonna freak.”

She slides to the floor. Cassadee doesn't even pretend she's not furious, “I'm going to follow him out and make sure security knows he's banned from Warped. This is not okay.”

Jamia pulls Ashlee into a hug. She can feel dampness seep through her shirt. “Do you want me to get your DVD's?” she offers.

Ashlee shakes her head. “Pete. Call Pete. Wait, no.  throw out the trash in the bathroom and then call Pete." Ashlee throws a pillow at the far wall.  “We’d better write a whole other fucking album and go platinum because I am not giving that- that man the satisfaction of crashing.” 

Bamboo mews from her perch in the sink.  Jamia  picks her up and pressed the half grown cat into Ashlee's arms. "Hold this while I get back up."  Ashlee gives her a weird look at first before she focuses her attention to the cat.

Jamia takes the opportunity to lock herself into the bathroom.  She doesn't know what the hell Ashlee's thinking, but if there's something she doesn't want Pete to find in the trash, she sure as hell is going to look.

Underneath make up stained cotton balls and tampon wrappers is a pregnancy test with a plus sign where the urine goes.  Jamia drops it back into the waste basket and washes her hands.  If Ashlee can't fix her life, then Jamia's going to fix it for her.

She hits speed dial four.  "Pick up, pick up, pick up."

"You've reached Pete and Hemmy. Leave something awesome after the beep."

"Joe Simpson alert, I repeat, Joe Simpson alert.  Get your ass over to this bus this instant.  Also, by the way, nice condom fail.  Fix this Wentz or else." Jamia pressed pound five to mark the message as urgent.  She takes a moment to splash some water on her face.  "Toughen up, Nestor, toughen up.  They need you." she says to her reflection. She frowns at her reflection.  "Yeah, didn't think that would work."

***

The band family comes running. Pete's the first one to show up and disappear with Ashlee into the back lounge. Jamia sticks around to fill in everyone as they show up on the bus. James looks nervous just to be in the room with Matt but emergencies are emergencies for a reaon.

“We need a plan to keep him from pulling this again,” Vicky says and they all start shouting possibilities. William shows up alone, explaining that Matt's driving Christine to fly home to Chicago. “She's due in a month. Someone fill me in on the emergency?”

Everyone points to Jamia and she starts retelling the Joe Simpson lifetime movie event when her phone rings.

“We had a date Jamia,” Frank's voice says firmly. Jamia glances at her wrist watch and groans.

“Shit Frankie, something came up,”

Frank huff on the other end. “I made you a picnic with wine and music to help you relax. You're always having an emergency. If it's not your band or my band, it's Kyle in the fucking drunk tank! Please, Jamia! Picnic.”

Jamia looks at William apologetically and says, “I'm already late.”  She can't leave Ashlee int he middle of a break down.  That's just not what friends do.

“I don't care if you are laaaate,” Frank whines. “Picnic.  Please, this is important.”  She hates how Frank uses the same fucking words for everything.  He begs for company when Bob lights himself on fire the same way he begs for Jamia to get up and change the channel because he's too comfortable to do it himself.

“Oh, well,” she says sarcastically, “If there's a picnic!

“Please,” Frank says. “Please, please, please, please with Pansy on top!”

“I'll go.” She snaps her cell phone shut so she won't have to hear Frankie's stupid cheers of joy. She excuses herself from everyone feeling like a traitor. She knows they'll fill her in on whatever but it's still not the same as being there.

***

She takes the taxi out to the Texas State Fair grounds. Frank had wanted to have a fun time. When she arrives, Frank is standing outside the gate.

The very abandoned gate. “If I had known this place was closed I would have told the taxi to wait,” Jamia says glumly. Frank pouts at her.

“This fucking sucks,” Frank says.

He looks so frustrated she kisses him on the cheek. “It's the thought that counts,” says Jamia, putting one hand around his waist.

Frank pulls away from her and riffles through his picnic basket. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuuuuck,” he snaps, rummaging the whole time.

“It's okay Frankie, we can still have a nice picnic.” As reluctant as she had been at first to meeting up with Frank, the only thing she needs to make the day better is having him all to herself. No bandmates or Kyle fucking Gutierrez to interrupt them.

Frank makes a face but her keeps digging. “Jamia,” he says, “I know I fucked this up really bad the first time, and the second time too, but you didn't know I fucked up the second time, and the third, but I can't take it anymore!” He pulls out a small bag of mandarins and makes a face, dropping them to the floor. “Dewees says you know, that it should be special, but he's divorced and fuck it, I can't live like this anymore.”

Frank drops the basket to the floor and searches through his pocket, puling out a fist full of random crap. Jamia's wonders he's going to ask for them to have outdoors sex at the carnival. Not that she hates Adventure sex, but mostly the state fair grounds are like a fucking horror movie and she doesn't want to die in some sexy cliché. Then she spots the ring lying in his palm between a bent cigarette and a guitar pick.

“Jamia Nestor, you have to marry me,” Frank says seriously, “because I'll explode if I can't have you forever.”

She can't breathe. Not that Jamia hadn't seen marriage coming, because she had, only it was in the far, far distance. Way out there when both of them are old and fat and lazy. Mostly old.

Frank looks at her expectantly. Jamia blurts out, “Aren't you usually drunk when you do this?”

“I've never asked you to marry me without meaning it,” Frank says. “I used money from Pencey Prep to buy you the ring.”

Jamia's jaw drops. “You've been carrying an engagement ring since 2001?”

Frank nods and says, “Explooode.”

“Yes.”  Jamia smiles.  She- He- Frank wants to have and hold her forever.  _Oh my god,_ she thinks.  She can't remember the last time she smiled this hard.

“Explooooooooooode,” Frank says again, waving the ring at her.

Jamia snatches the ring from him and puts it on her finger. It's not the nicest way do it, but  doesn't seem to be getting the message conventionally. “I said yes. Frankie, I would have said yes ages ago if I thought you were serious!”

Frank throws both his arms around Jamia. She throws her hands up to keep a couple inches between them.  Jamia wants to marry him.  No stupid complications, or fortunes spent on dresses, or putting up with a hundred people telling her what to do when Jamia can't stand being out of control.  She wants to do this her way and she wants it right the fuck now. “Frankie, let's go to the courthouse. Fucking get married now!”

Frank yanks her head down the couple inches between them kisses the fuck out of her.

***

 

They start calling their friend non-band friends discreetly.  Maja answers Cassadee's cell phone long enough to tell them Cassadee Pope is otherwise occupied and hangs up before Jamia can even say anything.  Oh yeah, definately third item on the mental checklist.  No answer from James.  Hot Like (A) Robot is onstage, Jamia knows that.  She calls Ian just in case The Cab isn’t on stage and freakishly enough, he answers.  She asks him to meet them at the courthouse.  Frank manages to track down Matt Cortez on the first try.

The paperwork takes an hour standing in line and then another twenty minutes to get a signature from the justice of the peace.  Ian and Matt are shocked to be picked as their witnesses but not even remotely surprised about the short engagement.

And just like that, Jamia and Frank are married. 

 

***

 

Jamia’s heart is pounding when she goes on the We Haven't Decided Yet bus.  The certificate on the inside pocket of her vest is so fucking new the ink is still a little warm on her skin from the printer. 

Maja smiles at her when she boards the bus.  There’s a scrabble board on the floor of the lounge and the band is clustered around it in teams.  Maja and Cassadee, looking suspiciously cozy are closest to the door.   They all chime hello and the girls all leap to their feet when Ian gets on the bus.  The scrabble tiles end up kicked all over the floor.  There's a mandatory round of Eskimo kisses for Ian before Jamia can pull Maja out of the crowd.

Maja laughs at the extrication.  She hugs Jamia and smiles at her easily, “Where are you been?”

Jamia waves for everyone’s attention.  When Pete finally looks up from his fucking sidekick she pulls out her marriage certificate.  “Guess who made Frank an honest woman,” she says excitedly.

Ashlee takes it from her hands, “Oh my god, it’s real.  Official seal and everything.  She’s really, really married.”

“Tonight, we celebrate!” William cheers, throwing his arms around Jamia and kissing her on both cheeks. 

The certificate passes through everyone’s hands except for Cassadee who gives Jamia a traitorous glare when Maja starts cooing about how romantic it all must have been.  The guys all start jabbering party plans.  Jamia waves them down before they get too carried away.

“Wait, guys,” she says.  “I married Frankie.” 

Matt glances at Jamia with a questioning look. "Was there another groom option?" William slips on hand into Matt’s jean pocket.

“We love Frankie, right sweetie?” Ashlee says, poking Pete in the side. 

“Yeah, sure.  Frank’s awesome,” Pete says, looking up from his Sidekick and giving Jamia a thumbs up.  Ashlee gives Jamia a pointed look.  "It's you I'm pissed at."

Jamia gulps, changing the conversation track as quickly as she can manage.  “I don’t want a wedding party if Frank’s family can’t come either.  That means everyone has to play nice and My Chem gets to come.”  That’s enough to stop William and Ashlee’s most excited whispers about streamer colors.

Vicky rolls her eyes.  “Of course they can come to your wedding party.  Did everyone forget we aren’t actually band feuding with My Chemical Romance?”

“Mikey didn’t speak to Gerard for a week,” James says to Vicky.  His expression turns horrified when he realizes everyone in the room heard every word.  “I didn’t mean to say that,” he says  to the carpet.

“Mikey was angry at Gee?” Matt says in a surprised tone.  James nods.  "I, uh, I gotta go," Matt says, taking a couple steps back before  hurrying out the door.

 “Well then,” William says, looking at the empty space where Matt stood with fondness. “Peter and I will go deliver the invitations while you girls decorate.  Jamia, run along to Frank and tell him we expect you guys at nine.  The party starts at eight.”

Pete grins at her.  She can hear his stupid voice yell, “Have fun consummating!” while she gets off the bus.

 

***

 

She has fun consummating.

 

***

 

Frank and her walk over together.  They manage to make it around eight.  The party is spilled over to the space around their bus.  Everyone on Decaydance seems to have turned up.  Even Tyga and the Panic boys are over in a corner taking to the Mean Reds.  She catches Hemmingway curled up next to the bus with Mama, the two of them chewing on something that looks suspiciously like one of Patrick’s trucker hats.

She spots a cake on a folding card table outside.  A drawing of Frank and Jamia in black incing with  guitars drawn along every spare inch.  James grins when he sees her looking at it.  “Lyn-Z threw it together.   It’s vegan, we triple checked.”

Frank bounces next to her.  “They made us a cake.” 

“We have the best fucking friends, Frankie,” she says.  “The fucking best.”

She means to go check on Matt, Gee and Mikey individually but she ends up making out against the wall of the bus for a few seconds until she catches sight of a commotion by the doors of the bus.

Mikey Way in standing on the last stair off the bus with Matt standing in front of him.  A small crowd is gathering around them and the shocking part drawing the crowd is the fact that the yelling match between them.

Frank pulls away and darts over before Jamia has a chance to push him off herself.  Before she even makes it into hearing range, Mikey throws both his arms around Matt and hugs him as tight as he can manage.  Matt looks stupefied.

Jamia pushes her way through the crowd as it disperses and grabs Frank’s wrist.  “What the hell just happened?”

Frank  throws his arms around Jamia’s neck and kisses her quickly on the lips and pulls back.  “Matt and Mikey bumped into each other and just started screaming at Matt for never calling back. Turns out Matt left his phone of the bus when he got kicked out so he never got any of Mikey’s calls or texts. They both thought the other one didn't want anything to do with him.  It's like out wedding party's been blessed by Disney."

“No one even had to die,” Jamia marvels.  “Shakespeare lied to me.”

The crowd disperses enough that Jamia can see Matt wave over William and Christine from opposite ends of the party.  Mikey disappears into the bus and reappears with Alicia.  Jamia smiles, leaning her head on to Frank's shoulder.  Now they just have to get Matt and Gerard to fix their relationship and every one will be happy. 

Frank grins at her, “Can you imagine the conversation?” 

Jamia snorts.  "Mikey wouldn't even both with a description."  She lowers her voice an octave. "Matt, Alicia.  Alicia, Matt.  My eyebrows express the emotions that my Vulcan training does not."

Frank giggles.  "Like, hi!  My name is William Princess Buttercup Fantasia Unicorn Beckett.  I'm your heart brother's concubine and here is our wife, Hippy number five.  She likes oil painting, saving the environment and multiple orgasms.  This is our love child, Bliss Perfection Matthew the Awesome.  We love Mattie and we love you for loving him." 

William leans forward to embrace Alicia and Mikey in a hug right as Frank finishes up.  Alicia  places her hand over the baby and looks at Christine with wide eyes.  Jamia laughs so hard she snorts beer out her nose.  "Oh my god, stop before we don't have any friends."

He drags her out to the impromptu mosh pit and they dance.  The party goes on for another few hours, only interrupted by Patrick’s angry screams when he finds the dogs with the new chew toy.

 

***

“Speech!  Speech!” the crowd yells when they walk up to cut their wedding cake.

Jamia grins at them.  Frankie beams at her, “Let’s have ten billion babies.”

“Okay,” she says, cutting the cake. She scans the crowd for her friends.  Victoria and James are missing, no surprise there.  She spots Ashlee curled up on a blanket with Pete and Hemmingway, Pete touching both hands to her abdomen with an awed expression.  Matt and Mikey are inseperable in the far corner.  Their spouses on the other hand are a good ten feet away talking quietly with Lyn-Z.  A couple more sweeps of the crowd and she spots Maja and Cassadee leaning against the wall of the nearest bus.

She can fix this.

 

***

 

"Stop trying to fix everything, damn it Jamia!"  Ashlee finally snaps three days after the wedding party.  She corners Jamia in the truck stop showers.  "You had no right to tell Pete about the pregnancy and you have no right to drop Maja hints about breaking up with Cassadee."

Jamia wants to roll her eyes, but she knows ashlee well enough to know if she does, Ashlee's going to slap her in the face. 

"You weren't going to say anything.  That's pretty fucking unfair Ashlee, especially considering that's his kid too.  You saw how messed up Matt was when he found out about Christine's pregnancy."

Ashlee points wags her finger in the air.  "That's not fair!"

"Because it's different?" Jamia snaps.  "It's not that different unless you're also fucking Patrick."

Jamia feels the sting on her cheek before she even registers Ashlee's hand darting out.  Ashlee looks a little shocked with herself but she quickly switches back into her furious state.  "I'm going to forget you said that.  It's taken her months to get over Frieda and Amanda.  If she has to have a fling with our handler to get back to her old self, then you will damn better let her fling on!"

The bunk door opens.  "Hey," Matt says in between yawns.  "What are you guys doing fighting this early in the morning.  We don't have to perform until later afternoon."

"She's trying to break up Maja and Cassadee," Ashlee snaps. 

Matt's eyes go wide.  He closes the bunk room door behind him quickly.  "The hell?"

Jamia shakes her head, "I'm just dropping hints.  Cassadee hasn't even graduated high school.  It could be horrible."

Matt shrugs at Jamia before turning back and giving Ashlee a questioning look.  "You're having a fight because of hints?"

"She told Pete I'm pregnant."

Matt's jaw drops. 

Jamia snarls.  "She wasn't going to tell him."

"Jamia!" He shouts.

Jamia's sick and tired of their damned passive aggressive fussing.  "I didn't start this.  You didn't seem bothered with me meddling in people's lives until I got involved with yours.  Pete's thrilled about the baby, what are you complaining about?"

Ashlee crosses her arms and looks stubbornly at the space next to Jamia's head. "He wants to marry me now that I'm pregnant."

Oh.  Everything clears up in Jamia's head.  The fight makes more sense now.  "Ashlee, the entire tour knows he's in love with you.  You bought a furry suit so I know you know you love him.  The baby may have something to do with the timing, but you're the only woman Pete could ever marry."

Matt nods, now that he's regained his composure.  "Probably the only person, too.  Patrick would rather cut off a leg than be stuck with Pete for all eternity and he's next closest in line."

"I'm gonna be a mom," Ashlee says with uncertainty.  "And a wife. I have never wanted to be a wife.  Okay, yeah, a good girlfriend and a great mom but a wife is- That's a wife."  A haunted expression comes across her face for a moment as she crosses her arms a little tighter.

Matt wraps one of his arms around her shoulders, pulling her close.  "Yeah, and I'm gonna be a Dad and Jamia's gonna be a mom.  We're your friends Ash.  We'll help each other figure things out.  it's what families do, right?"

Jamia smiles when she sees the smile twitching in the corner of his lips.  "Yeah, but you have to talk to Vicky about the kinky sex. Me and Frank are perfectly fine with our strawberry sex lives.

Ashlee gives her a confused look.  "Don't you mean vanilla?"

"No.  I said strawberry and I mean strawberry.  You can interpret that any way you want but I'm not handing out details."  Matt uses his free arm to wrap around Jamia's shoulder.

"Freak," he says affectionately.

"Okay, that's it.  What is going on out here?"  Maja shuffles into the lounge with her eyes half shut.  "We are trying to sleep."  She furrows her brow in concentration but before Jamia can make a response the door to the bus opens and Vicky stumbles in the laces to her leather boots untied and a small green chest tucked under her arm. 

"Are you guys having a group hug without me?" Vicky asks incredulously.  "Because that's a little fucked up."

Ashlee holds out her free arm.  Jamia tugs the half asleep Maja into their group.  "Nah," Jamia says with a smile.  "We were waiting for you to show up.  Come on over, Vicky.  All roads lead to babylon." 

Vicky gives them an odd look, but she puts down the chest and fills in the link between Maja and Ashlee.  The five of them lean forward until their foreheads connect. Jamia smiles.  It feels like her happy ending.


	6. Epilogue

CITY LINK-NIGHTRIDER

continued from page 12

RED SUEDE SHOES

 

ASW: (continued) ...which was why we had to play Reading. I swore that if one more person told me to take a break, I would throttle them.

MP: Imagine their narrow escape. She might have even sworn at them.

ASW: You act like I can't swear! I swear all the time!

MP: You aren't very good at it.

ASW: Motherfucker!  Motherfucker?  Mother- stop laughing, guys.  I'm not that bad at swearing.  You all suck.

 

CITYLINK: If I remember correctly, you're the first pregnant lady to perform at Reading Festival, ever.

MI: She was early into her third trimester. She was fine.

ASW: Only Pete was nervous, and you can't blame him, considering the Bottle Incident. The only good thing to come out that incident was that it finally shut the haters up. Some of them. 

 

CITYLINK: Haters?

VA: We've have a lot of pick and choose fans. There are those who love us, but who don't like my keytar playing --

JN: Or they say I'm riding on [my husband's] fame.

ASW: Or they hate the way I sing. 

MP: I get off pretty easily, in comparison. The ones that hate me seem to hate me for MCR. I'm not gonna say that me leaving MCR was a happy decision at the time, but now ... I have to admit I fit in better here than I ever did with them. Those guys know how I feel about them.

 

CITYLINK:  Tell me. How many kids does everyone have, again?  Rumor is your summer tours have more cribs than bunks.

ASW:  Well, Bronx is mine,

MP:  Gwen and Ophelia,

JN:  I’m Lady Bandit’s godmother.

VA: Don’t look at me.  My boyfriend has had vasectomy, thank god.

MI: Babies are a blessing. One day .... For now, it's just myself, my girlfriend, and Bamboo, our cat.

JN:  Frank and I have been discussing adoption. For now, we just do a lot of babysitting.

ASW: The crib thing is kind of true? We fully encourage the people we tour with to bring their children.  Matt and I both have full time nannies and we figure if we can travel with our kids, we can totally have an unofficial day care set up for the other parents.

 

CITYLINK: Maja, you've talked in the past about how much you hated the thought of joining an all girl band. What changed your mind?

MI: Victoria. When everyone else joined the project, it felt like fate.

ASW: Matt's not actually a girl. Everyone forgets that. I believe in your manliness, Mattie!

MP: Thanks.

MI: I am a very emotional person, and when I get emotionally unbalanced I need somewhere to unwind in peace. That's when I spend some time with my boys from The Sounds. I really appreciate their “Suck it up. Let's play Halo” mentality.  Whenever things become  too hard to cope with I spend a few hours on The Sounds bus or spend some time alone in my bunk if we aren't touring together.

 

CITYLINK: I didn't realize this was a hugging and crying type of band.

JN: Yeah, that's our tour bus. Weeping, heaving bosoms everywhere.

ASW: I'd say, as a band, we're more likely to fall into hysterics than tears. Swooning Victorian maidens, that's us.

MP: Jamia's not a victorian maiden, though. She's our rock.

JN: I try.

 

CITYLINK: What musical styles most strongly influenced your album?

VA: If I may?

JN: Not this again.

VA: Mother, may I take this question?

ASW: Yes, you may!

JN: Stop encouraging them! They're going to be impossible to tour with.  They think playing that game is a good promotional technique for our pre-released single, "Mother, May I"

VA: Anyway, we really wanted to make hardcore music that you can use any style of dancing to. For example, “Mike Meyers is My Baby Daddy” has a really strong metal influence, but it's written in rhonda form, because we're classy like that.

MP: The drum portions of “Guyliner” are a tango.

VA: “Portrait of a Young Gangster in Vegas” is a punk rock interpretation of “Portrait of a Young Artist in Paris,” so the keytar portion borrows heavy from the original melody.

 

CITYLINK: Before we go, anything you want to say to your fans?

MP: One hundred dollars to the first person to find my drums.

MI: Don't mind him. Matt's been trying to reclaim his drums from My Chem for weeks. 

JN: It's become a game of sorts ever since Matt's first drum kit was returned from storage. Every month or so Frank steals his drums, Bryar hides them, and then Matt goes on a rampage until he finds them or one of the others give in. 

 

CITYLINK: While we're at it, there are rumors of a curse? You've had ... how many handlers since the beginning, and they've all run off! Last I heard, your latest bodyguard ran away to become the lead singer of Hey Monday.

MP: Yeah.  Tom left us for Empires, Paul has a TV show, and Ian plays in The Cab. It's just a coincidence, not a curse.  We don't have pet unicorns and we're not blessed by the gods, either. Whoever comes up with these rumors needs to get a hobby. Jesus Christ.

ASW: Don't be a dick, Matt. We really appreciate your support and your comments, fans! You guys should all follow us on twitter! I'll totally make it worth your while.

JN:  We just happen to work with talented people. These things happen, but I can tell you from now on we’re going to be hiring professional handlers who can't carry a tune.

MI: Quick plug.  We're offering free downloads of “Treasure-Plunder” on our website, for those of you who want a taste of our next album.

Nightrider was lucky enough to receive one of "We Haven't Decided Yet"s promo CD for their upcoming album "all roads lead to babylon." These gals take serious musical risks, intertwining classical song forms with rocking tunes, but the casual rock lover will never notice how seamlessly these songs fit together. Heck, "We Haven't Decided Yet" may have created their own genre.

 

When they first came on the scene with their album "Red Suede Shoes", offering their brand of punk-electric fusion to the masses, no critic would take them seriously. By the time their first CD went platinum, most critics were still certain the band would fall apart within weeks. A pop princess, an 80's revival keytarist, an Indie singer playing guitar, a label owner with no performance experience and a secondhand drummer? No one could have expected band that would last. Now they've got their own headlining tour next month.  We give these kids four stars, for now. We're holding out that extra star until we see them in concert, which may or may not be happening this summer. The rumormill suggests it'll happen, but according to that same rumormill, Ashlee Simpson is pregnant with Cassadee Pope’s love child. In good time, readers, in good time.

 

Love, NIGHTRIDER.

**Author's Note:**

> I took this down in 2009 because of some uncomfortable anon reviews sort were hypocritical, some were accurate, and some had me doubt myself so much I took it down rather than offend. However, the consistent requests I've gotten over the years to put it back up have given me the strength to do this. Thanks guys. For a fic that was only available 3 weeks, this story has been more beloved than I could have ever hoped for.


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